Reconnecting with forgotten friends can be tricky, but is worth the effort involved
IT HAPPENS ONE night when you are looking through a pile of old photographs. You see that picture of you and your old friend from school, laughing hard at a joke you wish you could remember. You can hear the laughter, sensing the warmth of a solid friendship at its peak. Suddenly you are filled with a longing to see the person again.
Why not? This year could be the one for renewing a friendship you thought you’d lost forever. Or an old flame for that matter, which, while possibly fraught with more complications, would definitely add a bit of spice to 2012.
New-old friends come with the benefit of shared history. They might not know what you are up to now but they know where you came from, and that can be comforting. If it goes right the two of you could meet up again, taking up pretty much where you left off, the friendship equivalent of putting on a jacket you haven’t worn for years but one that still feels comfortable. Bear in mind that it might not turn out exactly as you’d hoped. The coat may not fit. It may even pinch a bit or remind you why you stopped wearing it in the first place. Still, if you don’t try you’ll never know.
THE EXPERT
Counsellor and journalist Padraig O’Morain says that renewing friendships can be a satisfying move. “If it goes well it may spark off an active friendship, enriching your social life and giving you a sense of completing a circle,” he says.
The first thing to consider when making a move in the direction of an old friend or flame, is why we want to get back in touch. “If it turns out we want to reproduce the relationship we had before there is a good chance we will be disappointed. People move on and they change and this needs to be considered at the outset.”
O’Morain suggests several questions which should be answered before you lift the phone or send an email. If the other person only wants a low-intensity level of contact, will that be okay? If they want more will you be happy with that? If you lost contact because of a falling out, are you really over it? If you owe them an apology are you ready to make it?
If it still seems like a good idea, the first step might be a Facebook friend request. “This gives the person a choice, to accept your request or not. If they don’t accept it, move on.”
Another approach is to send a card or send a text message inviting them for coffee. “Be sensitive and sensible in your approach.”
The rekindling of a friendship is a naturally tentative business. “The other person may be wondering why you got in touch and you will both be sussing each other out. Don’t plunge in, dip a toe in the water. It could turn out to be a great move or you may have to accept that any contact will be low key and sporadic.”
The main pitfall in both the case of an old flame or an old friend is rejection. Or the possibility that one of you will want a more intense relationship than the other is prepared to give. “In many ways that’s a self-solving problem,” says O’Morain. “The contact will fizzle as quickly as it was renewed.”
If it does work out, O’Morain says it’s important to remember that the new-old friendship needs nurturing. “After all it faded away once before so just letting the friendship take of itself won’t work. Bon voyage.”
RI
