It puts the sport in the SUV. Michael McAleer drives Porsche's crazy off-roader
It's like entering a hippo in the 100 metres hurdles. The very idea of creating an SUV sports car suggests the some decision-makers at Porsche's home in Weissach spent too much time in a Munich beer tent that October.
"Heah, Wendelin . . . (hiccup) those big ass 4x4s are really taking off. These Munchens in BMW are having maximum fun mit der X5." Quick slurp from the gallon stein . . . "What about we build a 911 off-roader?" However it played out, someone somewhere thought it was a good idea. And it is.
Of course, creating a proper off-roader capable of 160 mph and 0-62 mph in 5.6 seconds would seem the work of an idle pubescent mind, the sort of thinking car fans come up with over curried chips on the way home from the pub on a Monday night.
Yet we all knew what Porsche is capable of. These are the same engineers who managed to dangle the engine out of the back of a sports car and still make it handle like a dream, eventually. They are the proud parents of one of the best roadsters ever in the Boxster S. Finally, it's also the car firm that built the 911 SC RS, and a 959 that crossed the desert to win the Paris-Dakar rally. You'd be a fool to question its engineering pedigree.
Of course, it's not just about engineering, it's about raw power. If power corrupts, then the Cayenne should be in Government. The all-new 4.5-litre V8 features in both the S and the Turbo, the latter offering 450 bhp and a top speed of 165 mph and 0-62 mph in 5.6 seconds. Our test car was the more placid 340 bhp Cayenne S, with a top speed of a mere 150 mph and 0-62 mph sprint in a generous 7.2 seconds.
The gearbox is a new six-speed affair, combined with the usual auto system and tiptronic controls on the steering wheel. It shifts smoothly and responds immediately to the merest touch on the buttons. Unlike regular Porsches, the system can also be changed via the gear stick.
Inside, the dials are all very Porsche as is the cabin in general, and oodles of fancy gizmos like the automatic heated steering wheel that keeps a constant temperature once the engine is running, so no more cold steering wheel in the morning - not particularly a problem that kept us up at night but an added bonus nonetheless. However, it does not match some of its competitors, most notably the X5, for interior styling and the rear seats are too bench-like. But then rear seat's really aren't really Porsche's forte.
The key difference between the Cayenne and SUV competitors is not only in outright power, but in handling, where there's a wealth of information being fed to the driver through the steering wheel. You can almost feel the tread on the tyres as you tear along. You might be perched in the air, but you're connected at ground level. The best is on the wide sweeping bends, first left then right, weaving the Cayenne through like its road-going siblings.
Throwing the Cayenne through the slalom course and veering it through cones and we noted that it's got brains as well as brawn. Along with the usual stability controls and damping, the Cayenne has an excellent air suspension system that this time - unlike those on offer in several luxury cars - is not merely a gimmick but actually serves a practical purpose.
Of course, Cayenne matches this with great big brakes that wind it back to the start of the week. Yet, for the few hours we were behind the wheel, we still couldn't overcome the trepidation about throwing such this two-tonne brute into bends. It's like the Williams sisters in high heels; all that energy, fitness and muscularity don't seem to sit well at such a height.
There's also something sacrilegious about burying a €100,000 Porsche in a dank pool of brown sludge. The fact that the light brown clay congealed around the water gave it a particularly cesspool look did not entice us in. But it's all part of the job, so in I went.
So what's our excuse? Well, we were driving around the golf course at Portmarnock. (Before members rush out waving four irons in hot pursuit of all Porsche drivers, it was on an undeveloped part of the course.) And it was during at the height of last week's downpour, when it seemed God turned a powerhose on Portmarnock. Oh, and it was a bloody great hole.
Perhaps we should have been a little more sanguine about taking the Porsche test driver at his word. "Go as slow as you want and you can still feel the system holding on to the side of the bank." This was at about a 30-degree incline and the mud caked in the tracks where others had cut their way through. Naturally, having thrown the Cayenne around a slalom test and traversed both road and muddy inclines to get here, I took both my own driving ability and the Cayenne's ability to defy the laws of physics, somewhat for granted.
When we did slip sideways, I was nonchalant. The grating sound of the brakes applying on the wheel with less grip echoed round the cabin and we certainly didn't seem to be going anywhere. No problem. Why I've been up hill and down dale in off-roaders by now and sure a bit of rocking to-and-fro will free us up. It did, but by now we were doing the political fox-trot, one step forward three steps sideways.
Thus we found ourselves, embedded in 10 inches of questionable liquid, dry but a little shamefaced. The rescue party arrived and towed us to terra firma within minutes but it was with a lot less bravado that we drove back into the pit for another go, our expert passenger, Porsche instructor Ian Hilton idly dismissing any concerns that we may end up back in the sink.
And so, with a lot more trepidation we circled the "bomb crater" as we later learned it was called. This time we made it round.
In fairness Porsche has not tried to create the ultimate off-roader, yet the Cayenne's adjustable air suspension, low-ratio gearbox and optional locking rear differential renders it more than capable of crossing muddy car-parks. The only problem may be the downright frightening grinding noise that comes when the system is working to find grip. It sounds like a loose cog is eating its way through the engine, certainly not the sound you want to hear after parting with all that cash.
The Cayenne S has steel springs as standard, but the air suspension option on the model we tested is a must for those even tempted to take the Cayenne to the beach. It's standard on the faster Turbo version.
The regular steel springs are, by all accounts not up to the off-roading task, and can't be lowered or raised. On the other hand, the air suspension system sets the Cayenne at 116 mm when taking to the road in sports mode, but can raise it to an impressive 273 mm of ground clearance when ordered to stand the car on its tip-toes. At that height it resembles a miniature bigfoot, the body sticking high in the air away from the wheels.
So when will Porsche produce a diesel version? Thankfully, such heresy is not on the cards. The idea sends a shudder down the spine, but it seems like Stuttgart holds the opinion that diesels win little in the way of new buyers in these brackets and only act as substitutes to their own petrol versions, thereby failing to improve overall sales. There is a God.
In all honesty, the Cayenne is no sports car and Porsche fans, of which I am one, will be disappointed at not being thrown back into the seat by the raw power of the engine in the S version. Neither is it the ultimate off-roader, though it is very impressive in this regard.
It's really Porsche's family car, with a decision by Stuttgart to opt for the trendiest format these days, SUVs, rather than a simple saloon. It also has a commercial role to play for Porsche; fast becoming its best-selling model, it should secure Porsche's independence, acting as a cash-cow and allowing them to invest in new technologies and true engineering feats as the 550-bhp V10 mid-engined two-seater Carrera GT.
As for all-important street cred, it falls slightly flat for eyecatching appeal - something we never expected to say about a Porsche. It's got the stylish Stuttgart front lines but the rear is too nondescript, and doesn't even bear the Porsche logo. Fuel consumption figures are also quite frightening at 14.4 mpg, which will have you in the filling station every 300 miles or so.
But the real problem with the Cayenne may be its heritage. Porsche's reputation is second to none. It's a precious commodity in the car industry and by associating it with another brand, it's opening itself up to attack.
All the underbody, platform, suspension and 4x4 system is shared with the VW Touareg, but it was initially developed by Porsche and each company has done its own settings for electronics, springs and dampers. Unfortunately, while linking up with VW pays off in term of economics and sales, the pub-talk ranting by naysayers that it's a souped up VW Touareg will always linger in the background. For VW that's great; for such a prestige marque as Porsche, that may spell trouble. As for the point of all that speed in a hill climber, perhaps if you have to go looking for the point, you've already missed it.