IRISHOLOGY: THE TRIBUNALS
Nobody likes to see jobs lost to outsourcing, or industries farmed out to lower-wage economies thousands of miles away. But most people would probably make exception for the political tribunals. They've been running so long now that no-one can really remember why they started in the first place.
You know how it is. Somebody said something to someone. Some money was handed over. Some houses were built. Someone got a new kitchen out of it. Beyond that, no-one's quite sure. But they keep going because they know it started for some good reason or other, and besides, there's a lot riding on them. Tuscan holiday homes aren't going to pay for themselves, you know.
The Mahon and Moriarty tribunals have been running for over 3,000 days each. It's been suggested - seriously - that they might run for a total of 30 years. It's fair to say that if you have a tribunal in which the barristers weren't even born when the thing started, then it's probably about time to wind things up.
Despite these being protracted affairs, most of population would struggle to tell you which tribunal deals with which scandal. They might hazard a guess that the Mahon tribunal has something to do with payments to certain politicians, while the Moriarty Tribunal definitely relates to payments to certain other politicians. Perhaps the thing could be wrapped up more quickly if the judges just came to the conclusion long ago reached by the public, which can be summed up as: "Sure each one's as crooked as the other." Obviously, if the dodgy politician in question happened to have been your TD, then that should be amended to "sure each one's as crooked as the other, but he did great things for this area and I'd vote for him again".
But on and on the tribunals ramble. Occasionally something exciting happens. Frank Dunlop says something particularly witty. Or someone goes to jail, although it'll be because of something they refuse to do say rather than anything they're alleged to have done.
And so far their chief finding has been that amnesia is so rampant among aged politicians it's a miracle they remember to put on their toupees in the morning.
Otherwise, in an age when it's increasingly difficult to find time to read the paper, for a lot of people the tribunals have become a handy excuse to skip a page.
So, given that it's costing us tens of millions at this stage, surely we could just outsource the bloody things to some foreign lawyers. Maybe we could move the whole operation to Poland.
If their solicitors are anything like their plumbers, they'll no doubt do the job in half the time, for a quarter of the price - and without any leaks.