TWO becoming three can be the most challenging transition for any couple to go through. Yet, amid all the talk about furnishing the baby’s room, buying a buggy, car seat and cute little outfits, most couples will gloss over what it will mean for their sex life.
But it is a phase of their relationship that couples need to go into with their eyes wide open. To quote the screenwriter Nora Ephron in Heartburn: “Having a first child is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage.”
Life changes utterly when carefree sexual partners become responsible parents. The physical toll of the birth and sleep deprivation, along with the emotional and physical demands of looking after a newborn, usually means sex is off the table for weeks if not months.
For women, “there is this unbelievable exhaustion”, says Cathy O’Neill, co-author of the book Babyproofing Your Marriage and a mother of four children, aged eight to 15 months.
“I think what happens for so many of us is this feeling that we have so much responsibility on us taking care of a new baby, the sex piece starts to feel like ‘just another thing I have to do for somebody else. Given a choice I would much rather have a bath or sleep, thank you very much’.”
If you are going to have sex in these circumstances, it is something you are doing for your partner, she suggests. “The saints among us will do that. For the vast majority of women it is, ‘I am too tired’.”
However, men say that to have their approaches met with a big sigh and “if you really want to” is “completely emasculating”, says O’Neill, speaking from her home in Austin, Texas.
“It is not just about sexual frustration – men really feel left out in the cold. One guy said to us his wife will get up three or four times during the night to attend to the baby, ‘but I would have to put the bed on fire for her to notice me’.”
When this state of affairs goes on for a couple of months it is no big deal. “The husband is most likely exhausted as well if he is helping out with the baby,” she points out. “But when you are starting to get into months three, four, five and six – and it is plenty for whom it is 12 months – it is not good.”
Eithne Bacuzzi, a psychosexual therapist with Relationships Ireland, calls it “sexual gridlock” – they can’t move forward or back.
“Good sex requires a sense of wellbeing and positive anticipation and a feel-good factor – and that is quite difficult during the exhausted, sleep-deprivation time.”
For men it can be a time of great uncertainty. They may have been overwhelmed at the birth and unsure of how or when the time is right to be sexually active again.
In the absence of good communication, every move is fraught with the potential for misunderstanding. The woman is afraid even to hug her partner in case he thinks “she’s on for it” and he, after a rebuff or two, may stop attempting any physical affection at all.
The belief that it is “all or nothing” is a disaster for a relationship, says Bacuzzi. Some males think that having sex is penetrative sex only, whereas women are looking for intimacy, cuddling and touching without pressure to have intercourse.
A disconnect may have started during pregnancy, says sex and relationship therapist Tony Duffy. Or even before, if conception has not been straightforward.
Trying to conceive may have already had a detrimental effect on a couple’s sex life, if they went through cycle after cycle of hope and despair.
“Sex can become rather mechanical with the man feeling little more than a sperm donor.”
While confirmation of pregnancy may bring elation, it also means bodily changes for the woman and fears for both about what lies ahead. Women may be ill during the first few months and this, along with hormonal changes, may mean they do not feel emotionally available for sex, he points out.
Meanwhile, men can sometimes fall into one of two categories, says O’Neill: those who start to see their partner as a very weird science project or those who view her as a very fragile vessel and “worry about hitting the baby on the head, which is not physically possible but it is a very real concern they have”.
The birth can be traumatic for both the woman and her partner, says Duffy. It can be difficult for him to see her in pain and to witness the baby being born – “the vagina becomes a different organ and between placentas and everything else it is not the most attractive sight!” – while, after an episiotomy, a lot of women feel it is too tight or painful to have intercourse.
Some women may take months, even years, to resume having sex. “It is very common that women are not interested – that will stay unless it is dealt with.”
So what can couples do to try to keep their sex life on track through early parenthood?
Communication is key, stresses Duffy, who is based in Naas, Co Kildare. Stop mind-reading. If there is an issue, say it, don’t think you know what the other person is thinking – nine out of 10 times you’re wrong.
“When I get to see people, there has been so much of that; the intimacy is gone, their sensuality is gone, because there are so many of these thoughts going around people’s heads.”
The whole “use it or lose it thing” does play a big part, he says. And O’Neill agrees: “I would say around month four or month five, for women, unfortunately, there has to be an element of ‘just do it’.”
The more the man helps out on the home front, the more likely the woman is to be open to having sex, she points out. “Lighten her load, let her get upstairs for a shower or bath so that she can switch out of being a mum and switch into being a girlfriend.”
A common problem observed by Bacuzzi is that, after a few children, a couple’s sex life peters out for no particular reason. When she sees couples in this situation they are relieved to hear that this is not unusual.
She advises them to prioritise their relationship outside the bedroom. Set aside a date night and, if finance is an issue and they can’t go out, arrange a special meal at home and turn off the TV, laptop and iPhone.
“Couples need to have fun, playfulness and some flirtation going on,” says Bacuzzi. “They need to recharge the relationship batteries and maybe recall why they got together, what was the physical attraction that drew them together and revisit it.”
A rekindling of their sex life may follow. “I think it starts with friendship and maybe sharing each other’s feelings a bit and that creates affection and sex evolves out of that. Going straight to the sex doesn’t work – especially for females.”
She says after a row, the man may quite cheerfully suggest they have sex but for the woman it is the last thing on her mind. We can’t do anything about gender differences like that, she adds, “but we have to get it into sync in some way”.
Duffy uses the analogy of a cooker: “Men are like gas, when it’s switched on it’s switched on and women are like an electric one – you switch it on and it takes a while to warm up.”
Intimacy and foreplay can develop out of kindness, interest and attention. He says a low sex drive, especially in women, can be caused by partners not giving them enough attention.
“A lot of the men are rushing things and, to be honest,” he adds, “a lot of men are very poor technique-wise.”
Parents-to-be are not hearing the message that it is going to be “unbelievably hard” on their relationship, says O’Neill. So, when they find themselves hanging out either side of the bed, they panic.
“Unfortunately, many couples end up thinking that their marriage is really in trouble: ‘I don’t love him any more, he doesn’t love me; what have we done?’”
Thinking like that is the worst thing you can do, she says. “You are still the same people as when you got married – this is just an unbelievably difficult time.”
O’Neill, an Irish lawyer, collaborated on the Babyproofing Your Marriage with two other women after they all observed the impact starting a family was having on their relationships.
Six years on and, for her and her American husband Mike, two more children later, O’Neill is happy to report that all three marriages are still going strong. It is very sad, she says, to see couples break up under the strain of early parenthood.
“It should not be happening – these are not relationships where there is abuse or adultery or addiction. They are just good, solid, normal people who get caught up in the vicious cycle of feeling, ‘Oh God, this is going to be my life for the next 20 years, I can’t do it’.
“It is so fixable,” she adds, “it is just about spending a little bit of time together.”
See relationships ireland.com; tonyduffy.com; babyproofing yourmarriage.com
How to keep the passion alive
* Try to remain physically connected during pregnancy – if intercourse is not possible or desired, keep kissing, cuddling and touching.
* Before the baby’s arrival, acknowledge that the following months are going to be very challenging, that your sex life will be on hold, and discuss how you both might deal with that.
* Keep talking and remain affectionate after the birth, even if sex is not in the offing.
* Men should remember that women need emotional intimacy for the physical act – showing care and consideration by helping out with the baby and the house is the first stage of foreplay.
* Don’t let the baby dictate your life entirely – make time for yourself and your partner.
* If your sex life has petered out, try to rekindle it by paying attention to your relationship outside the bedroom.
* If sexual issues persist, seek professional help before resentment and hurt torpedo your whole relationship.
'It's almost as if sex doesn't fit into the mum and dad equation'
When Lisa and her husband were expecting their first baby, she began to notice a difference in how he was treating her.
“He was not as affectionate and, although we had sex during the pregnancy, due to complications in early pregnancy it didn’t happen as often, nor was it as vigorous.”
After the birth, she thinks he found the huge changes to their lives very difficult and she felt isolated.
However, things picked up and they resumed regular sex, although nothing like the “honeymoon” period of their relationship when they had it at least once a day.
A difficult year followed as Lisa, who is in her late 30s, lost a close family member to cancer and, three months after the death, found out she was pregnant again.
“This pregnancy was very difficult; I was suffering with depression, grieving and never really enjoyed it. I could count on one hand the amount of times we had sex during this pregnancy. I was so depressed and down that sex was the last thing on my mind.”
But they were very happy after the second baby was born. “Emotionally,
I actually felt better but, physically, I was shattered all the time,” says Lisa. “Initially it was the tiredness that prevented us from having sex.”
Three years later, she still has not been able to work herself up to the point where she wants it again, although she has done it occasionally to please her husband who is getting increasingly angry and frustrated about the situation.
“I don’t know if I just got used to not having sex or whether there has been some sort of change within me, but I no longer feel the need for sex.”
She is thinking of going off the contraceptive pill to see if that improves her libido, but she thinks there could be psychological reasons too.
“Sometimes I feel ‘funny’ having sex with my husband; it’s almost like I now see myself as a mother and wife and him as husband and dad, and that sex doesn’t fit into that equation.”
She knows her husband feels rejected, but “I feel if he were more affectionate with me [other than
when it is foreplay] that I would be more inclined to be with him and it would improve our physical relationship.
“I do miss him just catching my hand or cuddling up on the sofa, I can’t seem to bring myself to make the first move as sometimes he seems cold towards me.”
They tried one session of couple counselling, which she found helpful, but he refused to go back.
After hearing a brief outline of Lisa’s predicament, psychosexual therapist Eithne Bacuzzi says she thinks the problem is more to do with what happens outside the bedroom. “My gut tells me that she doesn’t feel valued and cared for.”
If Lisa felt emotionally neglected by her husband during pregnancy and after birth, she would find it hard to trust her feelings for him again.
Men often just don’t get it that women, particularly at times like this, need to hear, “I love you for who you are”, and not just “I love you because I am going to take you to bed”.
“When you have that distance emotionally, women find it very hard to relax into sex,” Bacuzzi explains. “It is the ultimate trusting – for sex, penetration and especially orgasm, you have to let go.”
Name has been changed
The world average age for weaning that was quoted in last week’s article on extended breastfeeding came from a book by Dr Ruth Lawrence but it is disputed by US professor of anthropology Kathy Dettwyler. Although Dettwyler’s research suggests that the “natural” duration of breastfeeding among humans would be somewhere between 2.5 years and seven years, she cites a median figure for weaning of 2.8 years, based on a cross-cultural sample of data for 64 traditional societies published in the 1960s.
