Are you constantly feeling disappointed? Then you need to know about the arrival fallacy

The arrival fallacy refers to one of those unfortunate facts of life that we all eventually get to know: that the dream job, dream partner, dream lottery win, dream house don’t give us a life of bliss, showered with roses and with violins playing in the background.

The roses produce thorns and the violins screech, sometimes a lot. We also learn, unless we are very unlucky, that happiness isn’t the be all and end all of existence – that we need to aim for a deeper satisfaction. When it comes to relationships, it doesn’t help that our expectations are so demanding in themselves. In romantic infatuation, we think that if we could be with that person, we could live happily ever after. Of course we would never fight. What could there be to fight about?

That it doesn’t work out that way is not so much inherently the fault of people as it is of the expectations that we load on to relationships. This isn’t to trivialise differences or that sometimes a partner can behave in ways that wreck the relationship. Outside of that, when people come to realise that here we are, two flawed (because everyone is flawed) people working, sometimes happily, sometimes not, on their flawed relationship the realisation, I think, deepens the bond.

I’m reading Nuala O’Connor’s remarkable novel, Nora, about the life of Nora Barnacle, James Joyce’s life partner. Whatever their expectations may have been at the start, they had many blazing rows and went through tough times – but their love was deeper than the ocean. They didn’t insist on living happily ever after – they would have liked to, no doubt, but it isn’t written in the stars for anybody. Outside the area of relationships, you can flip the arrival fallacy around in various ways, for instance, arriving where you don’t want to be doesn’t guarantee misery.

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A research study on dialysis patients (published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology) suggests that people who are undergoing dialysis are in a good mood just as often as people who are not undergoing dialysis. It changes your life, of course, because it affects the range of things that you can do and when you can do them and where and how – yet it doesn’t necessarily change your level of happiness. I find some comfort in that because we can all expect our share of all the ills to which flesh is heir.

In a population that is growing older, we need to watch out for a very insidious version of the arrival fallacy. This comes into play when you look back and say, if only I had done such and such a thing, if only I had married such and such a person, I would have had a far happier life. In other words, if only I had arrived at that destination, my life would have been one of happiness: I would now be purring like a smug, contented cat instead of sitting here lamenting what did not happen.

But this is the old arrival fallacy again, applied to the past. In all probability you would not have enjoyed unadulterated happiness – you would have had possibly the same amount of ups and downs as you’ve already had. I’m not denying that some different choices might have brought a deeper level of satisfaction. But that isn’t the same thing as saying you would have moved into No 1, Cloud Nine, and luxuriated there permanently.

Once we are aware of the arrival fallacy and of how it can, in itself, lead to disappointment and cloud our days, it’s too easy to conclude that there is no point in trying to get what we want. That’s not it, though. Humans try. That’s the way we are. But we need to value the journey and not just the destination.

Padraig O’Morain (Instagram, Twitter: @padraigomorain) is accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His book Acceptance – Create change and move forward, is published on 2nd March. His daily mindfulness reminder is free by email (pomorain@yahoo.com).