Luckily, not all the obstacles were Spartan-inspired death-pits

If there’s one upside to tackling 35 gruelling obstacles through hills and fields on a sunny afternoon, it’s the spectacular view to distract from my chicken fillet roll-induced nausea.

Since October, I’ve been training for a Spartan Ultra in Andorra. This ultra-marathon demands 50km high in the Pyrenees — and 60 obstacles just for the hell of it. And if I fail an obstacle? 30 burpees.

Give me strength.

My last stop before attempting this godforsaken run takes me to the Stables. Settled on a family-run farm just outside Gorey, Co Wexford, owners Patrick and Anna Syme have converted their barns into multiple gym and training studios; and part of their lands are dedicated to a challenging obstacle course.

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As one of our last tests before we depart for Mount Doom on probably the best and worst holiday we’ll ever have, me and the other two lads running with me in Andorra decided to head south and see what the craic was about.

What remains of the family farm is a harmonious synergy between pristine countryside and, in our case, sweaty men pelting over fences, swinging across ponds and heaving tires about the place. Pure bliss.

Hen parties, stag dos and sports teams travel from all over the country to tackle this tough course known as the Steeplechase. We extended it from 5km to 8km by running through hillside Christmas tree fields. Although the course is a far cry from our stupidly difficult challenge in two weeks, it’s a perfect opportunity to test our training and not wreck our bodies for too long.

Up and over some stacked tree trunks — as you do — and we’re off. First lesson of the day: don’t precede an ultra-marathon with a glorious Centra chicken fillet roll. Trust me, you don’t want that kind of nausea I had on Sunday. Anna actually recommended eating a normal breakfast for me on ultra-marathon morning; and as that’s usually porridge, cereal or toast, I’ll forgo any chicken-fillet-things and stick with that.

The tire-pull-thing was particularly difficult for me. Being very much not the heavyweight type, I had to pull all my body weight towards the ground while pulling a rope with a chunky tire around a high tree branch.

Spartan runners usually have to crawl through the mud and under barbed wire, so it was a relief when we saw this was replaced by harmless netting at the Stables. Though this was all too short lived. Second lesson of the day: make sure your shorts don’t get caught in the netting and fall down to expose underwear reading “Vibes! Vibes! Vibes!”

Jesus wept.

On to the monkey bars and I learned the best incentive to get to the other side is the threat of soaking my brand-new pink runners in dirty pond water. Looking cool is half the point, right?!

The inverted walls littered around the course look easy, but surmounting these fellas not only takes an enormous amount of energy, but also the confidence to wrap that leg up and pull yourself over. The tallest one at the Stables defeated me, and so inverted walls look to become my nemesis in Andorra. I’ll have burpee-filled nightmares for weeks.

One reason this course was a great idea — aside from the clear benefits of all the field frolicking — was the respect it gave us for balancing running stamina and testing obstacles. Running 3km of hills before this course made it that teeny bit harder, just imagine what 30km or 40km will do.

But not all the obstacles at the Stables were Spartan-inspired death-pits ready to swallow up wide-eyed participants. One long rope bridge across a pond was tricky on the feet positioning, but ultimately, I had a great time. And mounting over hay bales fit the Instagram-worthy cottagecore aesthetic of the course.

Another obstacle was a long tube-shaped slide. Easy and fun for most people, right? Anna told us a story about a primary schoolteacher on a school trip who wedged himself halfway down leading to the funniest thing these kids had ever witnessed at school. She said they almost had to call the fire brigade to saw the fella out. Fortunately for us, we slid down with ease on to the sandpit below.

The last obstacle is straight out of Ninja Warrior: everybody’s second favourite obstacle course reality show (after Takeshi’s Castle). The warped wall is a high climb, but after taking a run at it and manically grabbing for the ledge, I made it in one piece.

Although the course was tough, and I certainly struggled with some of the obstacles, I had an absolute blast. The same probably won’t be said of my next task: Andorra. My next and final column will be when I’ve (hopefully) conquered the Pyrenees and returned in one piece.

So why am I running this Spartan Ultra? That’s something I’ll be asking myself a lot on top of a mountain in two weeks’ time. Hopefully I’ll come up with a good answer then. I’ll need it.

Stay tuned…