Pete and dud - the Live Aid/Live 8 losers

IT'S a great pub-quiz question and no one ever gets it right: Only one of the artists playing at the original Live Aid show in 1985 failed to record an increase in sales following his performance - in stark contrast to everyone else, whose sales went up in huge numbers. Answer: the hapless Bryan Ferry, who showed no box-office action whatsoever in the weeks following the Wembley concert.

It was a dog of a set. Ferry had gone for the all-star band and roped in Pink Floyd's Dave Gilmour on guitar. (The Floyd didn't do Live Aid because they hated each other even more back then than they do now.) There was a problem with Gilmour's guitar - the technical term for it is "not working".

To add to the problems, Ferry's drummer somehow managed to put his stick through his drum skin. And to cap it all off, Ferry's microphone wasn't working, which is a bit of a handicap for a singer. A roadie had to run on and give Ferry another microphone, but the vocalist forgot which mike was working and which wasn't and spent his entire set clutching two microphones and looking like a complete div.

Ferry's non-sales increase achievement was highly impressive. The TV audience was one of the biggest ever and, given that even the lamest acts on the day (and there were more than one) registered big sales increases, it makes Ferry's plight rather remarkable.

Fast forward to Live 8, and you have a watching audience of about two billion for the Hyde Park et al shows. Appearing at any of these gigs, even in a 10-second highlight package, must have been the equivalent of doing 10,000 Top of the Pops, having 100,000 MTV video screenings and doing about 100 tours of Europe and the US.

Again, even the worst acts on the day were recording increases of about 500 per cent on album sales in the week following the shows. But one person managed not just to equal Bryan Ferry's infamous record, but actually bettered it - that is, he recorded a decrease in sales.

The new, improved Bryan Ferry is Pete Doherty. Following his shambolic duet with Elton John on Children of the Revolution, sales of The Libertines album Up the Bracket dropped by 35 per cent in the following week. Also, the Amazon web shop recorded no pre-sales interest whatsoever in the forthcoming Babyshambles album. (By the way, is Elton John a professional duet singer these days: Doherty, Tupac Shakur etc. Still, if it means we only have to listen to half his voice . . . )

To be fair, Bryan Ferry had a good explanation for his previous world record. Doherty, bless him, has come up with three ingenious excuses for a performance that can legally only be described as "dazed" - which is the only word the BBC were allowed to use in their live broadcast.

The first excuse was that his car had been clamped on the morning of the gig and he had no cash to pay the fine. Really? Isn't the Daily Mirror still giving you cheques for your miserable confessionals?

The second excuse was that he was, in his own words, "high on adrenaline and nerves". Come on, dude - being "high" (on whatever) is hardly a new experience for you.

The third excuse was the best. Doherty claimed that Peaches Geldof (daughter of Bob) made a pass at him seconds before he was due on stage and whispered "something really lewd" into his ear. Something really lewd like "You're turning into the indie Garth Gates" maybe?