VICTORIA GALLAGHER-O'HOULIHANwants a superinjunction
YOU KNOW how it is when somebody trips on her own heel on a pavement and you rush in to provide assistance but they’re just too mortified to accept any help? I had something like that happen to me last week.
Sitting down with my portfolio advisers, I couldn’t help but notice that one of the women thought it was okay to wear blue at the meeting. Blue! As in last season’s colour! Were they all out of bustles at Dunnes Stores?
Anyway, in the circumstances – I’m opening an all-red clothing shop, be excited people – I did feel obliged to take her aside for a quiet word. Well, her response was not at all pleasant. She said I was a slave to fashion and pointed out that my all-red clothing store would have no life beyond the autumn fashion shows.
Well, d’uh. Nobody will be wearing red in November if it’s fashionable now. That’s the whole point. And it’s not like I want to be overseeing the same business in a year’s time. How boring would that be?
Anyway, she soon changed her mind when I unveiled my new marketing strategy. It’s brilliant and simple. I’ll be rolling the grand opening of my hot new outlet into a superinjunction. That way all the various affairs I’ve had among Ireland’s rugby elite and my brand new shop will be out there making headlines for everyone to enjoy.
I know what you’re thinking; but that will put me in the same bracket as a Ryan Giggs cast-off. Hell, no. You see, Ryan Giggs doesn’t know how to use a superinjunction properly.
Nothing brings people out to tweet furiously or google terms quite like a superinjunction. And being a good bit cleverer than what a footballer is, I’ve engineered a win-win situation for everybody: I’ll be groomed to perfection and looking vaguely distressed for the paparazzi; the shop will be a sensation; and I’ll be doing something to bring people together in these troubled times.
Also, it’s a small point but a crucial one – tearful interviews about former romances are only acceptable when the lovers in question come from decent homes.
“My five times a night with Ryan Giggs” is a tabloid headline; “My five times a night with rugby ace” is one for the broadsheets.
It’s wrong to look down on other girls who cannot claim to have had a decent education in posture, style and image management. But it’s pretty hard not to. Pity those poor girls who think it’s still cool to “bed” a footballer.
Did I miss a meeting? Is it 1995 again? Wearing blue might be the equivalent of returning from the bathroom with your skirt tucked into your knickers. But scoring soccer players is like returning from the bathroom naked from the waist down.
Maybe that was the look they were going for. Classy.
