Kirsty Bertarelli: Sweet Summer Rain review – Richly rubbish

Wed, Dec 12, 2018, 06:00

   
 

Album:
Sweet Summer Rain

Artist:
Kirsty Bertarelli

Label:
KB Recordings

Genre:
Pop

When you google Kirsty Bertarelli’s name, the top headlines are: “The almost unbelievably fabulous life of the richest woman in Britain”, “Kirsty Bertarelli has been named as the third richest woman in the UK” and “Kirsty Bertarelli poses on board her £100 million superyacht” and with a heavy heart, we must tell you that the third-richest woman in the UK has released a one-star album. Shocker.

Sweet Summer Rain is the third solo album from the wife of billionaire Ernesto Bertarelli, and while the production levels are super polished, songs like the jangly Tick Tock (not a Kesha cover) and the adrenaline-draining Thrillseeker are fabulously lifeless.

The crowned winner of Miss UK 1988 has a textured voice, but lines such as Burning Sun’s “Your love is like a labyrinth, carved from a million layers and every one’s a memory, a memory of you with me” are utterly senseless.

When she tries to live recklessly on the title track, her danger levels peak at “I’m dancing on your wire, jumping off a trampoline”.

Even though she has a co-writing credit on All Saints’s 2000 single Black Coffee, those cool points aren’t enough to save her.