PLANET FOOTBALL: Mary Hannigan'ssideways look at the world of soccer

WE HAD a lucky escape last week because if we'd seen this story in the London Metro– 'Sandro scores the goals' cow milking song set to catch on at Spurs?' – we'd very probably have brought it to you.

Sandro is a 21-year-old Brazilian midfielder who has been signed by Spurs for next season and, the Metrotold us, is currently being serenaded by his fans at Internacional with this little tune: "Sandro scores the goals, Sandro scores the goals, Sandro scores the goals, so we will give him a cow and he will milk it."

"It starts off fairly innocuously but then descends into something more akin to a nursery rhyme than a terrace chant," they said. "If he achieves popularity at White Hart Lane, we could be seeing the arrival of one of the most original songs in the football world. But the cow thing – it's just strange, right?" Indeed it is, although the Metrorevealed that it's a reference to Sandro's "agricultural roots".

Granted, the paper was a bit puzzled by the hailing of Sandro’s goal-scoring ability, seeing as he’s only managed one in his 34 senior appearances so far, but they’d made the fatal mistake – and most of us have been there – of forgetting that Wikipedia entries are sometimes edited by scallywags.

Over to 'Rusty' on an internet messageboard: "Sandro is a Brazilian footballer who is about to sign for Tottenham. Trouble is no-one knows much about him. So I made up a quick song a few months back and posted it on his Wikipedia page. The Metrohave now reported this as true, claiming that his current club's fans regularly sing it to him, and urging Spurs fans to continue this tradition. Hopefully all 36,000 Spurs fans at WHL will sing my song to him in his first game. And he won't have a clue what's going on." There but for the grace of Lionel Messi goes Planet Soccer.

Not quite quote of the week but still quite good...

“They said it was good for my health to become stronger and I ate anything that would improve my health.”

Look away Kermit – Manchester United’s Park Ji-sung on drinking frog juice as a child to help him grow.

"It's vital people don't put too much pressure on him. But having said that, he reminds me of a young Franz Beckenbauer."

- Former Everton manager Howard Kendall trying, but somewhat failing, to reduce expectations of young Jack Rodwell.

"It's a doddle compared to some of the jobs I have had. I've had more problems with blackheads."

- Gordon Strachan insisting he's endured worse than managing Middlesbrough.

"When I first started supporting West Ham we had a tradition for playing the game 'the right way'. I will settle for any way right now."

- Co-owner David Sullivan craving bubble-blowing points.

Lifting the cup on a trip to the finals in South Africa

IT SEEMED, at first, that Cape Town businesswoman Denise Hoogersvorst was striking a blow for the female of the species when she was quoted last week as saying “the World Cup is always seen as a man thing, but there’s no reason why women shouldn’t be involved too”. This, we reckoned, kind of made her the Emmeline Pankhurst of her day.

When we read on, though, we wondered what the Suffragettes would have made of Denise’s definition of being “involved” – women, she suggested, could come to South Africa for the World Cup as part of a ‘his ‘n’ her’ package and have, for example, breast augmentation operations at her Surgical Bliss clinic while the lads focus on the footie.

Johannesburg clinic Medi-Sculpt is also getting in on the act, launching its own World Cup “Liquid Face Lift and Safari Package” – this includes “Botox treatment plus a visit to an animal sanctuary where patients can feed giraffes and play with lion cubs”.

Surgical Bliss offer several World Cup packages that – depending on what you need fixed – include breast augmentations, eye lifts, tummy tucks and in vitro fertilisation (and which of us hasn’t wanted IVF treatment on our holidays?), as well as shopping trips.

"Soccer widows could flock to South Africa this summer – to collect the booby prize," as the News of the Worldput it. "If England get knocked out before the final, fans can at least see their girls lift the cup – from an AA to a DD."

That whirring noise you hear is Emmeline spinning in her grave – the thumps are the sound of WAGs fainting with frenzied anticipation.

Portsmouth's Tug handy to have around

MONEY MATTERS:PORTSMOUTH MANAGER Avram Grant hailed the decision of his players last week to contribute to the wages of four of the club's training ground staff so that they could keep their jobs. "I'm very happy they did what they did," he said, "it means a lot to me personally because football is not just a cold business."

Goalkeeper David James, too, welcomed the gesture. “When the redundancies were first announced I had several phonecalls from team-mates asking what we could do about it, which I thought was brilliant,” he said.

One of those whose job has been saved is groundsman Tug Wilson who earns £60-a-day for looking after the club's training pitches. James, in his Observercolumn, revealed that he was particularly pleased about Tug staying on.

“Losing a staff member such as Tug is detrimental to the team. Yes he’s also a nice bloke and we have the odd chat about environmental issues, but I don’t want him back for chats, I just want him there so that when the bogs get blocked he can sort it out. Without Tug around those kind of problems are going to cause friction in the team, as well as a stink.”

In fairness to James, he premised his remarks with: “At the risk of sounding like a spoilt footballer . . . ”

Number of the week: 32.87

IT'S NOT often that we complain about footballers being underpaid, but €32.87 million is all Lionel Messi picked up for his work in 2009, the figure including salaries, bonuses and sponsorship. The way the little fella is playing this weather he really should be getting that much per game. He heads the 'richest player' list, though, released by France Footballmagazine, David Beckham, Cristiano Ronaldo, Kaka, Thierry Henry (behave), Ronaldinho, Carlos Tevez, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Frank Lampard and Samuel Eto'o completing the top 10. Jose Mourinho, needless to say, is the world's highest paid manager, followed by the main man in Manchester. No, not Alex Ferguson, Roberto Mancini.

Quote of the week

“ Messi is the God of football. Stratospheric. Magical. Divine. Generous. Extraordinary. ET was born in Rosario and plays in Barcelona.”

- Spanish newspaper Sporta bit lukewarm about Lionel Messi's performance against Real Zaragoza.