Screen writer

Don't tell me it's only a movie, fumes DONALD CLARKE

OBVIOUSLY, I have far better things to do with my time than chat to nutcases on those internet forum things. My online advisers do, however, tell me that such outlets are very popular with younger film fans.

Which recurring phrases, the underlings wonder, do I find the most infuriating? Well, I would reserve a special place in Hades for posters who, while defending some ho-hum movie, use the "Why don't you go back to watching Twilight?" gambit. The supposed terrible film changes monthly, but the implication remains the same: by demonstrating an ability to identify a turkey, the poster confirms his credentials to claim Watchmen for the canon.

Point out why the first Twilightfilm is a much nimbler piece than that lumbering comic-book adaptation and you risk sending your unseen correspondent into terminal psychic meltdown. ( Twilightis "for girls", you see, and therefore not worth taking seriously.) I would, moreover, condemn those who feel that pointing out a variation between source material and the resulting movie counts as valid criticism.

Folk who argue that winning an Oscar makes a film worthwhile should also be stoned to death in the virtual town square. "U like Harry Potterand the Turnip of Zogbatand you h8 Lord of the Rings?" my imaginary satanic correspondent types. "Ha! go back to watching High School Musical– that's what you like. In the book Harry wears a blue hat but ware a green one in the stupid film. That sucks. And like Lord of the Ringswon 53 oscars. So there." Fling some faggots on the bonfire – we're about to barbecue some flesh.

The most annoying of all such constructions is, however, the class of conversation stopper that most frequently appears as "IT'S ONLY A MOVIE". Other frequent variations on the theme are "Hey, nobody is saying it's Oscar-worthy" or "It's not supposed to be Casablanca/ Gone With the Wind/American Beauty".

The fact that the film has no ambitions to the class of middlebrow respectability exemplified by the average Oscar-winner immediately nullifies any criticism of plot, acting, characterisation or direction. Hey, chill out. It’s only a movie.

Such comments appear most frequently on pages dedicated to the assessment of romantic comedies, action films and family flicks. Last year, the line appeared a great deal beneath reviews of Transformers 2. This summer, we saw many such phrases hovering around discussions of a certain shopping comedy set largely in Abu Dhabi.

Here's the thing. Just because a film works within a popular genre does not mean it is unworthy of serious examination. Such pondering helps us understand why Alienbroke moulds and Transformers 2breaks spirits. It helps explain why Bringing Up Baby(just a comedy) endures and why that shopping thing is already an avatar of decadent hubris.

You don’t agree? Pay no mind. It’s only a newspaper column. dclarke@irishtimes.com