Invent a modern Irish horror film

 

The past two years may have been horrific, but dammit, they’ve been dramatic too. The Irish Timesinvites readers to invent a horror movie about recession-era Ireland. You don’t have to write it – just come up with a title and concept – and the best one will win a holiday. To get you in the mood, here are the films we came up with

FRANK McNALLY

TitleFrom the makers of The Bertieville Horror, another all-too-true story: The Tax-Rise Chainsaw Massacre

TaglineThe first €5 billion cut is the deepest. Until the next one

Directed byBrian “de Palma” Cowen

Chainsaw wielderBrian Lenihan

Man hiding in pressBertie Ahern

Screaming, scantily-dressed female stuck in bathroom window while trying to escapeCathleen Ní Houlihan

Scary name and sound effectsLeo Varadkar

Rated: AA minus and falling

Parental warning: Contains nude scenes, masked only by hair-shirts. Also some violence, as truck is driven at Dáil gates again – and this time doesn’t stop.

HUGH LINEHAN

Title 28 Months Later

TaglineIn June 2008, he was leader of the best little country in the world. Now he’s running for his life – and he still hasn’t woken up properly . . .

StarringJustin Bieber as Brian Cowen, Jedward as Enda Kenny (We want to make money out of this thing, right?)

Parental warningMay contain late-night drinking, strong language with a Donegal accent, real zombies, Ivor Callely

MIRIAM LORD

TitleFrom the makers of Slump: Revenge of the Loolahs, IMF/ECB productions presents: Midnight on Merrion Street

TaglineThey thought they could handle the bankers

Starring Charles Laughton as Brian Cowen, Margaret Rutherford as Brian Lenihan, Doris Day as Enda Kenny, Rodney Dangerfield as Bertie Ahern, Marlon Brando as Peter Sutherland, George Raft as Seán Fitzpatrick, Danny Kaye as David McWilliams, Gregory Peck as Judge Peter Kelly and Groucho Marx as Willie O’Dea

Parental warningContains scenes of gross incompetence and delusion, going forward. No bankers have been harmed in the making of this movie. No actors have been embarrassed in the making of this movie as they are all dead. May cause negative equity

KEVIN COURTNEY

Title Wall Street: Money Sleeps with the Fishes

TaglineHe was the Godfather of Greed, but now he’s facing the mother of all recessions – and we’ve got to take the hit

Starring Marlon Brando as Don Coweone, James Caan as Sean-Luigi Fitzgeraldo, and Al Pacino as the crazed cement truck driver

Parental warningMay contain scenes of total carnage, as warring political parties tear strips off each other

Title Scumbag Zillionaire

TaglineQ: How did a lowly banker get a cheque for 50 million? A: It was written

Starring Matt Damon as Brian Lenihan, Gene Hackman as Seanie Fitz, Zero Mostel as Brian Cowen

Parental warningMay contain disturbing scenes of abject poverty, including: Mercs parked outside Lidl, people concealing lunchbags in their briefcases, and Fine Gael TDs using public transport

RÓISÍN INGLE

Title From Here to Negative Equity

TaglineOne man, one woman, a portfolio of vacant investment properties

Starring Colin Farrell as the Man Who Bought Too Much, Amy Huberman as the Woman Who Encouraged Him and Aidan Gillen as the Estate Agent

Parental warningMay contain distressing scenes of people shopping in Lidl because they can no longer afford Fallon Byrne

DONALD CLARKE

Title Last House on the Left(aka The House that Dripped Money)

TaglineFrom Buy-Buy to Bye-Bye! From Possession to Repossession!

Starring Philip Seymour Hoffman as distraught homeowner, Christopher Walken as chastened estate agent, Alan Rickman as looming bank manager, Arnold Schwarzenegger as The Repossessor, Nobody Whatsoever as potential buyers

Parental warningMay contain: extreme schadenfreude for the blameless poor, scenes of explicit negative equity

JIM CARROLL

Title The A-Team

TaglineIf you have an economic problem, if no one else can help you point out the bleeding obvious, and if you can find them on a night when they’re not appearing on the TV, maybe you should hire the A-Team

Starring David McWilliams as “Hannibal” Smith, Morgan Kelly as “Howling Mad” Murdoch, Constantin Gurdgiev as Face and Brian Lucey as BA Baracus

Parental warningMay contain references to the IMF, leaving the euro, national sovereignty and other things which we don’t really know much about but sound scary all the same

ORNA MULCAHY, EDEL MORGAN, FRANCES O’ROURKE

Title Ghost Estates

TaglineYou can buy there . . . but you can never sell

Starring Teri Hatchet as the desperate housewife, Morgue Kelly as the psycho (sorry, psychic) seer, Vinnie Jones as the builder who never snagged

Parental warningmay contain scenes of animal cruelty (dead horses being flogged)

SIMON CARSWELL

Title Dude, where’s my bailout?

TaglineAfter a decade they can’t remember, comes a lifetime they’ll never forget

Starring Brian Cowen as himself, Steve Carell as Brian Lenihan, Pete Postlethwaite as Pat Neary, Gene Hackman as Michael Fingleton, George Clooney as Seán FitzPatrick, Naomi Campbell as Mrs FitzPatrick and Salma Hayek as Gillian Bowler

Parental warningMay contain scenes involving the gratuitous use of obscene amounts of taxpayers’ money – not suitable for taxpayers

SHANE HEGARTY

Title I Repossess Your Grave

TaglineThe movie they tried to ban, about the banks they couldn’t kill

Starring Leslie Neilsen as Seán FitzPatrick, Acker Bilk as Michael Fingleton

Parental warningMay contain nuts

THE COMPETITION

THE TASK

Invent a horror movie about modern Ireland. You don’t need to make it, direct it or even script it. Just come up with a title, advertising tagline, cast list and parental warning. We’ll create a movie poster of the best one, and the best entry will win a fabulous, recession-escaping holiday to London.

THE PRIZE

The winner will receive a weekend in London to include flights, two nights in a 4-star hotel and tickets to see the musical Chicago. Two runners-up will receive a six-month membership to the Irish Times DVD club.

HOW TO ENTER

Enter at irishtimes.com/recessionthemovie where you can also read full terms and conditions.

CLOSING DATE

Friday October 29th