Alvin And The Chipmunks: The Squeakwell

Directed by Betty Thomas. Starring Zachary Levi, David, Jason Lee, Justin Long, Matthew Gray Gubler G Cert, gen release (opens Monday), 90 min

I’VE GOT a question. Are the female chipmunks supposed to be the boy chipmunks’ girlfriends, or do the chaps think of them as sisters?

I ask because early on in this fantastically titled film — Squeakwell, get it? — the boy rodents, rock stars who have been forced to spend time in high school, notice The Chipettes (their professional name) sashaying down the corridor and, through the sheer power of lust, cause sexy music to play teasingly over the soundtrack. You with me? That seems clear enough. Later on, however, Toby, the rodents' new guardian, allows both male and female chipmunks to share the same bedroom.

Now, I know that debased communists run Hollywood, but this just doesn’t seem right. What’s Toby going to do next? Hand out marijuana “joints” and encourage the creatures to read Harold Robbins novels to one another?

“Why bother worrying about moral degeneracy in a Chipmunks film?” I hear you say. “It’s not as if they matter that much. Fox would hardly care if we picketed.”

That shows how much you know. The first Alvinfilm earned $360 million on its theatrical release. During 2007, it took in more than Enchanted, American Gangster, Knocked Upor Juno. It earned about twice as much as No Country for Old Men. So, I'd get making those picket signs if I were you.

Oh, hang on, I should tell you what it’s like. Well, it’s worse than the first one, though still better than your average Oliver Stone film. So, it tastes a bit nasty on the way down, but it shouldn’t actually kill you.