Once again, following the proposed bid for Eircom from a group of investors led by Sir Anthony O'Reilly, the glittering world of global high finance is in the news.
The vista is truly awesome. Dropped like shimmering gems before us are terms like international financier, foreign consortium, venture capitalist and global investment strategy. Paraded through the media for our jawdropped admiration are the awesomely wealthy and successful figures of Sir Anthony himself, George Soros and Denis O'Brien. Arrayed for our bemusement are the fabulous vehicles by which they are driven - legendary institutions like Goldman Sachs, Warburg Pincus, Soros Private Equity, Providence Equity Partners. And beyond these, visible only in outline, stand the massed well-heeled ranks of unnamed private investors, Armani-clad figures in the murky background.
The thing has hardly started, and already the noise is deafening. In the forefront, the shouting and the arguments rise, a great international babel of dissent and disagreement, a cacophony of accusation, defence, counter-accusation, assertion and denial. In the background can be heard, like some great heartfelt prayer, the single word profit, whispered, chanted and chorused like the powerful mantra it forever remains. And above, in the air, is heard a peculiar humming sound, and perhaps an occasional heavy wingflap, which can mean only one thing: the vultures are gathering.
Ah look. Give us a break. Don't be going all hufffy and getting your knickers in a knot. Are you begrudging us poor Eircom investors - the original fall-guys - the chance to claw back a small portion of our losses to date? If you were selling your oul' banger wouldn't you welcome a bit of a barney between competitors, rather than sell the yoke to the first chancer who answers your small ad?
Please calm down. I begrudge nobody anything. I recognise that you may get a better deal as a result of competitive bidding. I would appreciate it if you left my elderly Toyota out of the reckoning. And before you mention it, I am aware that vultures, although greatly despised, actually perform a useful function.
What's the matter with you then?
Nothing at all - or at least not yet, because, so far, no bid at all has been made for Eircom. The O'Reilly/Soros group is currently seeking information from Eircom in order to complete its due diligence, as we experts say. And even Denis O'Brien's eIsland offer is so far only indicative. In short, there is as yet no money on the table.
However, one is amused (flashes sardonic grin) at the reaction of Denis O'Brien to the proposed O'Reilly/Soros bid. Firstly, emphasis was put on the "Irishness" of O'Brien's eIsland bid, as if the consortium consisted exclusively of ardent nationalists, and would be backed entirely by Irish pounds, and not at all by shadowy foreign cash. We wouldn't want any of those dubious Soros dollars, now would we? And if an Irishman, however successful, accepts a knighthood from the Queen of England, well, he does rather compromise his Irishness, does he not? Speak up, Sir Bob.
But sure how would this matter, if the price was right?
I have no idea. But next we were warned about the terrible dangers of Eircom falling into the hands of a group of "triggerhappy venture capitalists" - as opposed, no doubt, to the deeply caring venture capitalists who will fund the eIsland offer. This frightening scenario would be "South American", said Denis O'Brien, and we all know what that means: banana republics, machete-wielding thugs in the streets, wildly unstable government, raging inflation, jungle law and naked corruption.
The Lord save us!
An understandable reaction to a greatly exagerrated scenario. Finally, we were invited by Mr O'Brien to consider the age difference between himself (43) and Sir Anthony O'Reilly (65) in terms of who might be likely to take a longer-term view of Eircom's future.
I'll have to think about that.
Do so. But consider also why a brilliant businessman like Mr O'Brien should have to resort at such an early stage of this exciting game to the waving of green flags, the weaving of South American sagas and the flogging of red herrings.
bglacken@irish-times.ie
