Leaving Wembley Stadium on Saturday night, I realised I had just had a life-changing experience. After listening to all the passionate speeches at the Live Earth concert, I decided there and then that the I had to make meaningful and permanent changes to my life: I will never again listen to any pathetic, self-serving drivel from an clueless, ego-obsessed rock/pop star on any subject whatsoever.

I will never allow myself to be so patronised, condescended to and treated like an imbecile.

The hideous Live Earth show made the previous week's Diana concert look like Hendrix at Woodstock. I knew something was dreadfully wrong from the first moment, when that useless oaf from BBC Radio 1, Chris Moyles, opened proceedings with the words: "We're here to save the earth. Can you help?"

If Spinal Tap said that, you'd laugh. But when a DJ says it, it's like a shiver looking for a spine to run up. Watching on TV, you may have heard the crowd roar their approval, but if you had been there you would have heard incredulous laughter.

The mood became surreal when one of the TV screens showed some Australian rocker shouting "Saviours of the world, raise your hands!" By now, even at this very early stage, we decided to pack away our alcohol supplies for the day, realising that such props were superfluous in an environment already drunk on its sense of self-importance.

We knew we had made the right decision when Chris Moyles went on to inform us that because of the concert, he was going to sell his 4x4 vehicle and the guy from Black Eyed Peas promised he was going to crush his gaz-guzzling Hummer.

I missed David Gray and Damien Rice duetting on Que Sera Sera (a curious choice of song for the concert that was in it), but apparently Gray likened saving the planet to the threat Britain faced from the Nazis. We would kindly ask David Gray never again to mention in interviews that he got his first break in Ireland. Maybe he could just say Belgium instead. We can't be associated with such crass comments.

And on it went, moving further into bad comedy territory. Simon Le Bon waddled onto stage and said "Everyone who did not arrive in a private jet put your hands in the air." Again, your TV pictures won't have shown a pocket of 12 people in the audience shouting back: "We did, Simon!"

On the big screens, that well- known eco-warrior, Jack Osbourne, explained to Jonathan Ross why the Osbournes don't recycle anything: "I've heard it doesn't actually do much good."

Just as actor Terence Stamp arrived on stage and symbolically switched off all the lights at Wembley, we decided to cut our losses (and almost tripped to our death on the way out because of the darkness - thanks Terence).

According to the BBC, the Live Earth show got less than one third of the audience that tuned in for the previous week's Diana fiasco. This is the only positive to emerge from Live Earth: the general realisation that the idea of pop/rock stars breast-beating about climate change (or any socipolitical issue) is nonsense.

We are, environmentally speaking, going to hell in a handcart. Climate change is a pressing and urgent issue. Yet even as a "consciousness- raising" event, Live Earth was a spectacular failure. During the broadcast the BBC received a number of phone calls from viewers. Some 130 of them rang to complain about Chris Rock using a swear word, while 420 complained that Metallica's set had been cut short to accommodate a song by Crowded House in Sydney.

The idea of the benefit concert effectively died last Saturday afternoon, when Geri Halliwell used the Wembley stage to plug the upcoming Spice Girls reunion tour.