Aporkalypse

CON TEXT: Aaargh! We're all doomed! Doomed, do you hear?The world is in the grip of swine flu fever, as nations brace themselves for the biggest onslaught of bull since the Y2K bug. This pandemic of paranoia has already spread through the world's media, infecting normally rational journalists with an urge to write fanciful scare stories, and through the general population, causing ordinary people to rush to their nearest medical supply shop and snap up all the surgical masks they have in stock.

I've made my own surgical mask out of an old scarf and a rubber band.Already, pundits have come up with some punning words to describe this latest panic attack on humanity. It's an "epigdemic", says one. It's a "snoutbreak", says another. It's "parmageddon," declares a third. But one word has emerged as the favourite to encapsulate the mass delirium – "aporkalypse".

I can't believe people are making jokes at a time like this!While the World Health Organisation raises swine flu's danger level to Five (just one short of "we're all gonna die"), the world's bloggers are cranking up the humour levels and laughing into their hankies at some of the more ridiculous responses to this latest threat to humanity.

Such as?US vice-president Joe Biden told the Today Show that he has advised his family not to travel in planes, cars, buses, subways or any other confined spaces, just in case they fall victim to swine flu. "If you're out in the middle of a field and someone sneezes, that's one thing. If you're in a closed aircraft, or closed container, or closed car, or closed classroom, it's another thing," said Biden. He didn't say what would happen if you sneezed while your foot was stuck firmly in your mouth. The VP's disproportionate reaction seems to contradict the advice of his boss, Barack Obama, who has simply advised washing your hands and covering your mouth when you cough.

Well, maybe Joe's right – perhaps we should all stay at home until this blows over.Many believe that the real danger from swine flu is that we will be doomed to read endless editorials telling us how half the world's population could be wiped out by Thursday, and how the swine flu virus might then mate with another flu virus to finish off the surviving pockets of humanity huddled in underground caves.

Are you suggesting that these stories may be a tad exaggerated?Some outlandish theories have been put forward for the outbreak of swine flu. Some say it's a ploy by pharmaceutical companies to sell bucketloads of their new antiviral drugs. An Indonesian politician reckons the culprits are western running-dog imperialists trying to flog more drugs to Third World countries.

And one guy, who obviously reads too much Dan Brown, reckons the Illuminati deliberately set off the virus in order to kill off a few billion people and clear the way for a new utopia.

Come to think of it, a few billion fewer people could solve a lot of our economic problems.But the biggest scapegoat in this saga has been the poor, humble porker. Farmers in the UK are worried that people may stop buying pork products in the mistaken belief that eating rashers might cause swine flu. To combat such pig ignorance, the farmers would prefer it if swine flu was given a different name. And the World Health Organisation has obliged – last Thursday it announced that it was giving it a catchy new moniker: influenza A (H1N1).

Try at work:"This is great – one hay fever attack and the boss gives me a month's paid leave."

Try at home: "Believe me, it cant possibly be any worse than man flu."