LAURA SLATTERYlooks back on a year in business

JARGON OF THE YEAR: Long-term economic value

It was the phrase that allowed the Government to pay more for the assets of zombie banks through the National Asset Management Agency (Nama) than they were worth – €54 billion instead of €47 billion, to be precise. It was such an apparently reasonable-sounding snippet of genius that the International Monetary Fund (IMF) felt the need to praise the Department of Finance for its “masterful” definition. IMF adviser Steven Seelig described “long-term economic value” as both “sufficiently specific” and “sufficiently vague” to allow “appropriate flexibility” for Nama: “I hope you can retain this language,” he mused in a private e-mail. Seelig has now joined the board of Nama, so we can only hope he didn’t spend Christmas trying to come up with more clever phrases that end up costing taxpayers money.

Runners-up:TOGIT (The Only Game in Town), used to describe Nama (aka consensus thinking); green shoots (of recovery fame); PIIGS (term used by London brokers to describe high-deficit states Portugal, Ireland, Italy, Greece and Spain).

APOLOGY OF THE YEAR: Tim Berners-Lee

2009 was the year of the apology. Stars of reality TV shows, British MPs, homophobic Daily Mail columnists and wayward golfers gave multiple apologies when the first attempts weren’t judged sufficiently sincere. But while bankers fell over themselves to deliver a PR-scripted mea culpa to the television cameras, the most momentous apology of the year lay well outside the world of imploding collateralised debt obligations. Yes, Tim Berners-Lee, creator of the worldwide web, apologised for adding those irritating forward slashes to the beginning of internet addresses, confessing that they were an “unnecessary” part of URLs and had just wasted everyone’s time. “There you go, it seemed like a good idea at the time,” he said. A bit like Hotmail.

Runner-up: A special mention goes to Pat Farrell, Irish Banking Federation (IBF) chief executive, for the sheer quantity of apologies that he gave throughout 2009.

U-TURN OF THE YEAR: Marks & Spencer

2009 featured so many Facebook “protests” that, by the end of the year, 160,000 people had joined something called An Arbitrary Number of People Demand That Some Sort of Action Be Taken – a Facebook protest against Facebook protests, if you will. Still, Planet Business thinks some lasting good was achieved when Facebook group Busts 4 Justice forced Marks & Spencer to do a U-turn on its policy of charging extra for bras with a cup size above DD. The clothing retailer originally defended its position by saying the charge – described by the Busts 4 Justice group as a “tit tax” – reflected the cost of producing larger bras. But it eventually backed down, taking out advertisements in the British press to say “we boobed” and introducing a one-price-fits-all policy on lingerie.

Runner-up: General Motors was revved up and ready to sell Opel and Vauxhall to Canadian supplier Magna before deciding it would keep its European business and axe 10,000 jobs instead.

VILLAIN OF THE YEAR: The public sector

The public-sector worker may seem like a harmless creature, living a humble life of parking spaces, increments and flexi-time, but do not be deceived.

In 2009, we learned that a monster of such devastating wickedness had never existed before . . . There it went, nonchalantly fighting crime, unashamedly saving lives, blatantly giving our kids homework.

Sooner or later, it would have to be stopped, this indestructible nemesis of such frightful power that it had the ability to suck money from the kitty jar marked “national Anglo debt servicing payments” and bleed innocent bankers dry of their bonuses.

Runners-up: The real nominees are former Merrill Lynch head John Thain, who spent $1.22 million (€848,000) furnishing his suite of offices with antiques mere days after Bank of America rescued Merrill; and Chelsea magnate Roman Abramovich, who – in an open audition for a role in the next Bond film – bought a yacht containing a missile defence system.

HERO OF THE YEAR: Gary Geogh, AIB shareholder

The Irish Timesdoesn't want to condone egg-throwing. However, in a field with few contenders, Keogh is the Planet Business hero of the year for his services to shareholder activism. After hurtling a brace of eggs at the board of AIB – scoring a direct hit on the suit of AIB chairman Dermot Gleeson – the pensioner declared that he felt "happier about the whole thing than I have done for months", referring to his €18,000 loss on an AIB investment. "Always aim for the body," he said, explaining that victims often move their heads before the eggy missile reaches its target. Of Gleeson's double career as both banker and lawyer, he noted, "you couldn't get a worse combination".

Runner-up: Richard Branson, for making the dream of commercial space travel that bit closer to reality.

PRODUCT OF THE YEAR: Tamiflu

There's nothing like a pandemic to give a company a captive market, and for Roche AG, the pharma giant that owns the patent to an anti-viral drug called oseltamivir (brand name Tamiflu), the 2009 outbreak of H1N1 swine flu was like hitting the virus jackpot. Stockpiles of Roche's Tamiflu (and GlaxoSmithKline's Relenza drug) had to be released and replenished, leaving Roche on track to make €1.85 billion from Tamiflu by the end of 2009. It expects to sell 400 million Tamiflu units in 2010, which will be pleasant for us all.

Runners-up: Raw garlic, as consumed by Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan, according to David McWilliams; iPhones for their ubiquity (and the Paper Toss app).

ADVERTISEMENT OF THE YEAR: Galtee Irish Breakfast

Any pretence in keeping ads linked to some semblance of reality was abandoned this year. Cheryl Cole was recruited by L'Oréal to be the face of its Elvive shampoo, despite the fact that what had actually got her hair's "mojo" back was her expensive set of hair extensions. Ageing rocker Iggy Pop starred in ads for Axa subsidiary Swiftcover, which was later forced to admit it doesn't give car insurance to musicians. But the winner is Breeo Foods, which had a complaint upheld against it for promoting a Galtee Irish Breakfast mail order product that, despite promising "the sizzle of Irish sausages", did not contain Irish sausage meat.

Runner-up: Amazingly straight-faced Carte Noire coffee ads with Dominic The WireWest.

INNOVATION OF THE YEAR: The "safe" bed

Google, Apple, Facebook, whatever . . . There was one innovation that truly caught the mood early in 2009: the "safe" bed. Wouldn't trust a senior bank executive to look after your life savings? Not even Halifax Bank of Scotland star Colm Meaney? Bed manufacturer Feather Black had the product for anyone brave enough to embrace the interest-free, insurance-free world of under-the-mattress cash storage – a bed that conceals a safe.

Runner-up: Arnold Schwarzenegger's online "garage sale" to ease the Californian budget crisis.