CENTS & NONSENSE:A recent study revealing that the work of earthworms is worth €700 million a year to the Irish economy has encouraged the worms to demand their rights and seek pay negotiations with gardeners and farmers, writes Margaret E Ward
IT'S THE turn of the worm. Earthworms, it seems, are demanding their rights after an eternity as an unpaid, voiceless, faceless majority. Spurred on by a Department of the Environment study this week, the worms have demanded pay negotiations with gardeners and farmers.
The study, Benefits and Costs of Biodiversity in Ireland, finds that earthworms' work is worth €700 million a year - for the services it provides to humanity.
The worms say this analysis proves that they are an essential part of Ireland's economic success story and that they have been sacrificing for too long. Their main claim centres on the amount of work they do versus the financial reward it provides.
Earthworms say they do all the hard graft - airing the soil and providing it with nutrients - while gardeners and farmers get all the green stuff.
On the first year of planting, a small garden might produce a few raggedy bits of lettuce, scallions and spuds but, thanks to the earthworms' diligence, it might double its yield in year two.
Even so, the worms say they get nothing for their increased productivity. No one sends them flowers or even tells them they've done a good job.
Gardeners claim they have an ancient, verbal contract with the worms and feel that breaking that down will set a dangerous precedent.
An anonymous source says: "If the worms hit pay dirt in the negotiations, then the bees - whose work is valued at €85 million a year by the report - may also want to negotiate a contract."
Spokesman for the worms, Mr Earthmover, says times have changed and the threat from fertilisers and genetically-modified crops means they need a written legal agreement on their employment terms and conditions. "Our daily toil feeds the world but we've been unpaid since the beginning of time," he said.
To ensure they understand the fine print in any new contract, the worms' negotiating team is taking a masterclass in "Wiggly ways with terms and conditions", designed by some banks' mortgage sections and at least one retail furniture outlet.
They have also hired a prestigious media relations firm, Digging the Dirt Co, to improve their public image.
"All this is new to us and - since we're genetically programmed to act on instinct rather than intellect - we want to make sure we have the best possible professionals advising us on all aspects of the talks," said Mr Earthmover.
Pay and public recognition are not the only issues in the proposed discussions. Any increased costs to farmers and gardeners will be passed on to consumers, who are already overstretched by exorbitant food and fuel prices. Food producers say consumers would rebel against this and they would be forced out of business.
Earthworms are unconvinced by this argument. Although consumers are more willing to complain, little can actually be done about price increases by the numerous bodies designed to protect them.
"They're right. It's a free market and companies can charge what they like. Humans always need to eat," said Mr Market Place, a pro-worm food retailer.
The worms are not entirely happy with the findings of the biodiversity study, even though they're using it as a launching pad for their crusade.
One section of the report says: "A high level of biodiversity also ensures that we are supplied with the ecosystem services that are essential to the sustainability of our standard of living and to our survival."
The economic slowdown is putting pressure on the earth-moving jobs sector and some worms want to ensure that the term "biodiversity" should only apply to native species. In recent years, a different worm species was unexpectedly brought on to the island in food containers imported from abroad.
Mr Earthmover says: "When stepped upon, these worms turn to the right rather than to the left. They are an abomination and a threat to our unique culture and way of life. They should immediately be sent back to where they belong."
One important aspect of the report may help to heal the divide between the two warring factions.
The report says that human health depends "on biodiversity, for example as a source of pharmaceutical raw materials, but also in terms of the quality of the food that we eat, opportunities for physical exercise and resistance to disease".
This interdependence means the worms and their overseers may be forced to come to an agreement before the main crops mature in the coming days and months.
Mr Metamorphosis, a prestigious human-insect negotiator from the London School of Natural Rights, believes things have already gone too far. "Look, they need us, we need them. We're in a serious global downturn and we all need to create the right conditions to ensure that our relationship can grow and we all survive."
This is the last Cents Nonsense column. Margaret E. Ward starts writing for the Platform column of this supplement later this month. Cents@clearink.ie
