TO "El Telephone" and "El Telepathy", two of the new nicknames Terry Venables has picked up in the six weeks since his appointment as absentee coach of Australia (or the Coca Cola Socceroos, as Soccer Australia would prefer them to be known), you can now add another: "Who the `ell's he?"
There was quite a crowd gathered at the international arrivals terminal of Sydney's Mascot Airport last night. And the spotlights and TV cameras certainly took the first passenger off the QF2 from London via Bangkok by surprise, she was returning from a holiday in Rome.
"Apparently there is some football manager on the plane," she was told by her friend. "No, I think it's a musician," she answered. "I saw that David Hill from the ABC." Hill, formerly the chairman of the ABC, has faded into relative: obscurity as the boss of Soccer Australia.
Almost half an hour and dozens of passengers later, Venables did emerge, with his wife Yvette, to set the cameras clicking. Hill and Steve Speziole, the SA's communications manager (who is a dead ringer for Eric Cantona), cleared a path to the room which had been set aside for a brief media conference. But that only caused more confusion. "There's that David Hill bloke," said two frustrated on lookers. "But who the hell is that bloke with him?"
Of course there lies the main reason for Venables's appointment on a contract worth in excess of £200,000 year, 10 per cent of Soccer Australia's annual budget, which only requires him to spend 40 per cent of his time in the country.
The hiring of Venables on purely footballing grounds has been likened to "getting a sledge hammer to flatten a flea, when a thong would have done the job for a quarter of the cost" - the Socceroos' main aim is to qualify for next year's World Cup finals in France, and they have been handed their easiest draw for years.
Their first qualifying games are against Tahiti, and the Solomon Islands or Tonga. If they win the group they face the winners of Oceana pool B, likely to be New Zealand, before meeting the fourth place team in the Asia group which could bring them up against China, Iran, Iraq or Lebanon, coached by Terry Yorath. But Venables's appointment and arrival have already generated unprecedented publicity for the game throughout Australia.
And after a brief behind closed doors briefing from Hill, Venables slotted smoothly into his missionary role. "If everyone wants the future of Australian soccer to be big, it will be," he told the local media. "You have had a backbone of soccer for many many years which is more than America had. They just realised with the World Cup that you can't be out of the world game both socially and commercially. It's big, big news."
He didn't once refer to football, which would have offended the Rugby League fans of Sydney, and Aussie Rules mad Melbourne.
"I know you have got huge sports, and you are admired all around the world for the competitive flair that you have in your rugby and cricket and so forth and soccer's been a little bit in the background. Now if you keep knocking it down all the time, that's where it'll be knocked down.
"If we give it a boost, if we try to get behind it, who knows what we can do?"
But the locals are going to take some convincing that Venables is really committed to the job if he keeps making this sort of whirlwind trip - he is not expected to stay long after internationals against Norway, New Zealand and South Korea at the end of the month.
Michael Cockerill of the Sydney Morning Herald, who came up with the El Telepathy nickname says: "He will guide the Socceroos by remote control. It is a scheme fraught with logistical moral and philosophical questions. Venables will need all his barrow boy charm to win over the doubting segment of the Australian coaching fraternity."
A sample of the reactions of local coaches shows the hostility to his appointment: "A slap in the face"; "Someone is taking us for a ride"; "If you are going to be committed then you have to base yourself here".
"He's going to have a fair bit of convincing to do".
The convincing started today, after "a few zeds" at the apartment in Potts Point which has been rented for him, with another press conference then a first domestic game to watch in the west of Sydney.
"I don't see the job as any different from the England and Barcelona jobs," he insisted. "I will be working mainly with videos because you get a better chance to be thorough. I'm not going to do a cosmetic job and go around to places where I don't feel it will be of any benefit."
For the moment, there is no mention of the problems Venables has left behind and just one reference to his recent past, when he was asked if he had turned down any other international jobs.
"Yes, I had a very good offer two days after Euro 96 which under other circumstances would have been quite appealing," he said, refusing to name the country. But his answer to the next question ("How long will you expect to spend on this visit?") was "Turkey".
It had been a long flight.
