Three lions but just two votes as Sepp and the boys play it, um, safe

WORLD CUP 2018/ 2022 BIDDING: ON THE COUCH:Pity the Fifa committee members who had to choose between the highest bidders. Highest in merit, of course

SO THEN, D-Day,

Russia v England v Netherlands/Belgium v Spain/Portugal. A decent line-up, it has to be said, pity the poor old Fifa executive committee members who had to choose between the highest bidders. Highest in terms of merit, of course.

It must have been tougher still after they’d witnessed such emotional presentations in the morning. Andrey Arshavin and David Beckham, in particular, yanked Fifa’s heartstrings for all they were worth. The cynics say these presentations count for nowt, but surely they underestimate the Fifa lads’ sensibility?

“I could never ’ave managed what I’ve achieved froo football – I owe my life, everyfing I ’ave to football,” said Beckham, while Arshavin tearfully begged Fifa to believe in Russia, as his coach, when he was a wayward young fella, had believed in him.

“I was not the easiest kid to manage when I was little,” he conceded. (“WAS??” hollered Arsene Wenger in front of his north London telly).

It was Nethergium, though, who kick-started the proceedings, with Johan Cruyff, Ruud Gullit, Guus Hiddink and a blast from the goalkeeping past, Jean-Marie Pfaff (still permed after all these years), as their star line-up. Ruud promised us a green World Cup and two million bikes for fans, enough to earn a standing ovation from Fifa.

Kidding.

Eurosport dragged a Dutch journalist, Edwin Struis, out in to the cold to ask for his verdict on the Nethergium presentation: a chirpy thumbs up. He was particularly impressed by Hiddink's contribution – which, curiously enough, was accompanied by the Monkees' I'm a Believer.

“He’s a global trotter,” said Edwin of Guus, “they know him all the world, he’s a famous guy.”

Alas, Edwin was less kind about Spatugal’s effort, reckoning it was “like a tourism advertorial” – “It’s the World Championship of football, not the World Championship of tourism.”

Spanish journalist Francesc Aguilar begged not to differ. “I think it was a disaster,” he sighed, although, in fairness, Spanish executive committee member Angel Maria Villar Llona had, at least, tried to introduce some levity to the proceedings by declaring: “Fifa is a clean institution! Fifa works honestly!”

Hats off to the fella, he had them rolling in the aisles.

Alas, injury prevented Cristiano Ronaldo from travelling to Zurich, but he was good enough to send a message, in which he insisted that “Portugal and Spain are like brothers”. And with that the Iberian peninsula was united in mirth.

Next up, England – William and the two Daves their three lions.

Manchester City community worker Eddie Afekafe did his bit too, but all eyes were on Becks, as they had been at that press conference the day before. One of the more searching questions put to him was: “How do you manage to stay so beautiful?”

It was a fair question, one for which Becks had no answer, but he was far from tongue-tied when putting England’s case.

Russia, too, put up a good show, not least Olympic pole vault champion Yelena Isinbayeva, who credited Sepp Blatter and the boys with boosting the women’s game.

“My message to you, dear gentlemens, is a simple one: thank you,” she purred.

Then Russia’s bid chief had a bit of a go at Sir Winston Churchill, and we were done.

Decision time. “Over to you, Matthew Amroliwala,” said Gabby Logan, presenter of the BBC’s coverage of the shindig.

“Prince William has just arrived and he said ‘fingers crossed’,” Matthew told Gabby.

“Thanks Matthew,” she said.

Finally, out came Sepp.

“This game has a value,” he told the audience, which nodded knowingly. “Football is not only about winning, it is also a school of life where you learn to lose,” he said, his stare drifting a little towards William and the two Daves.

Out with the envelope. Well, that’s a stunner: Russia!

Mind you, if star power did the trick in this type of carry-on, Chicago would be hosting the 2016 Olympic Games.

Just the two votes, then, and one of them from former English FA chairman Geoff Thompson.

The consensus? Panorama should live out its days in the Tower of London.

Oh, not to forget the 2022 bidding contest. Well, it’d hardly be Qatar, deemed “high risk” by the Fifa inspection team.

Over to you Sepp.

“The winner is . . . Qatar!”

Russia and Qatar it is, then. Lovely. Almost 50,000,000 Google hits combined when you tap in “human rights abuses”.

Crikey, what you wouldn’t give for Fifa to be WikiLeaked.