Three in one is fun

A bluffer's guide to triathlon

I’m with Jerry Seinfeld on this one.

What’s your problem?

Triathlon is swimming, cycling and running, right?

Right.

Seems a bit random, no? Like, why those three? Why not jumping, diving and, I don’t know, trampolining?

Presumably because when it started in San Diego back in the 1970s, they had the sea, they had the road and they had bicycles. Swim, ride, run. Couldn’t be simpler.

Ah now, we’ve talked about an awful lot of dumb sports over the past week. Simplicity hasn’t been a common thread.

Fair point. This one is different though. It’s devastatingly straightforward. A 1,500m swim followed by a 43km bike ride followed by a 10km run. It’s one of the newer sports on the Olympic programme, having only been included since Sydney.

You mean to tell me the Olympics survived for a century without it? Incredible.

You’re being obstreperous now.

God forbid. Bet it’s not even as simple as you’re making out, is it? There are surely some silly rules in there somewhere.

Well, it must be said that the transition phases can get a little dippy. For instance, if you don’t put your bike helmet or your swimming goggles in the designated box after your cycle or swim phase, you can get given a 15-second penalty.

It’s Olympic housework! A place for everything and everything in its place. Do they make you shine down your bike frame before you take it out as well?

No, but they do give penalties for obstructing your competitors.

I love it. Instead of swimming, cycling and running, it’s tidying, queuing and punishment.

Whatever. It’s going to be one of the best spectator events of the games. The whole competition takes place in Hyde Park, with the swim in The Serpentine and the cycle and run all self-contained within the park. Derry triathlete Aileen Morrison goes in the women’s event this morning at nine o’clock.

Has she a chance?

Definite top-10 possibilities but the medals are likely to be fought out between home hope Helen Jenkins, Andrea Hewitt of New Zealand and Australia’s Emma Moffatt. The Brits might actually double up because Alistair Brownlee is favourite for the men’s race next Tuesday.

I still say the whole event would be jazzed up if they threw in a trampolining phase.

Yeah, but imagine having to fold it up before getting on your bike.

Tidying, queuing and storage!

MALACHY CLERKIN

For a full interactive animated guide to each sport go to irishtimes.com/sport

QUICK NOTES

Top spoofing factoid: If the temperature on the day is over 20 degrees, swimmers aren't allowed to wear swimsuits. If it goes under 14, swimsuits are mandatory.

Do say: The transition phases are crucial, with real opportunities to pick up crucial seconds.

Don't say: The transition phases are sillier than navel fluff.

When:Today, 9am.