Telly time as burly men arrive on cue

KEN DOHERTY has an awful lot to answer for. Thanks to him I got to see an unhealthy amount of telly last week. Well, what else can you do when you're imprisoned in your own home? I even watched skiff sailing on Sky Sports 2 to while away the days.

There were thousands and thousands of them. Burly, cue-wielding men, em, queuing up outside my front door. And Jasons in Ranelagh is nine miles away.

"We'd a waiting list at 9.0 this morning," revealed Martin, manager of the world's most famous snooker club, on Kenny Live on Saturday night. "I just hope we can get more staff to keep the place going," he said, with pound signs flashing furiously before his eyes.

When Stephen Roche won the Tour de France all those years ago I couldn't get out of my door for fear of being run over by cyclists when Sonia O'Sullivan's gallops around the racing tracks of the world began to yield medals joggers were the problem.

If Eddie Irvine wins the Formula One drivers' championship I'm going to get run over, I'm going to die, I just know it. Maybe success breeds success but it can be an awful bloody nuisance too.

Apart from Ken, I blame the mothers of Ireland. By the time they went to bed on Monday night, having watched Ken win an unhealthy amount of money, they had completely changed their stance on the pros and cons of a youth spent in a snooker hall.

Tuesday morning. "Get out of that bed you, get down to Jasons and start practising or I'll leather ya."

"But Ma, it's six o'clock in the morning."

"Exactly, you should have been down there an hour ago."

"But Ma, I've school today."

"School? Forget school son, did you see what that Doherty fella won last night? You're a snooker player "now son - here's the cue I bought for you."

Of course, the really big sporting battle of the week wasn't between the mothers and sons of Ireland or Ken and Stephen Hendry at all - it was Pat v Gay. Which show would Ken appear on at the weekend, The Late Late or Kenny Live? Pat won but Gay collected a pretty decent runners-up prize - the one and absolutely only Ted Walsh, horse racing commentator and trainer extraordinaire.

Gay invited Ted onto the show to look hack at the highlight of his training career so far, when Commanche Court won the Triumph Hurdle at Cheltenham in March.

"So what's happened the horse since then?" asked Gay. "He's well but he's a little bit sore the last couple of days because . . . we castrated him.

Gay, a little stunned, assumed Commanche Run would not he overly excira and delira about this development. "So he wins the race and for that he gets his fundamentals out?"

"It's a decision you make - maybe in a couple of years' time we'll say we made the wrong decision," said Ted.

"It's a hit too late then," replied a tearful Gay.

"Yeah, it's too late then, we can't put them back in, hut I think it's the right decision. Dermot Desmond, who owns him, basically wants a racehorse and not a stallion."

"And will he jump better without his ... how's-your-fathers?"

"Well, I'd say he would. I'd say if any fella got a little hit of a touch on his how's-your-fathers he'd be kind of twinching a little bit. And for those in the audience who have a pair of how's-your-fathers if you got a rub of a yardbrush across them you'd be inclined to twinch a little hit so we felt it would be better to take them away - he doesn't even know he's minus them yet." (Mmm, one suspects he does, Ted).

Not being an authority on these things, one isn't entirely certain if a similar fate befalls Dermot Desmond's successful greyhounds. On Saturday night, Network Two showed us one of Dermot's mutts! storming to victory in the Guinness 360 at Shelbourne Park.

"Surely HE hasn't been interfered with," we tried to convince our selves. What's his name? "Rightly Stitched," commentator Michael Fortune told us. Rightly Stitched? Gulp. Poor fella.

Content with Ted's contribution to The Late Late on Friday, Gay, no doubt, offered his congratulations to Pat, when they met in the corridors of Montrose, on capturing the World Snooker Champion for his show.

Pat, no doubt, accepted these congratulations with grace and humility. Which is exactly how Manchester United fans, would have accepted warm congratulations from Liverpool, Arsenal and Leeds fans last week after winning yet another league title if they had been offered any.

Instead "Yiz only won it cost everyone else was brutal." True, it was the kind of damp-squib end to the title race that Richard Keys and Sky Sports had nightmares about. But it got worse for the channel on Tuesday evening, after Liverpool and Newcastle gave in.

"Congratulations Alex," said Richard to the United boss on the phone. "We understand you weren't "watching tonight?"

"No, I never watch, why put yourself through all that torture," said, Alex who really, under the happy circumstances, should have been kinder about Richard's presentation skills.

But maybe Alex was worried about how his youngsters were celebrating their championship success. Sex, drugs and rock n' roll? Next day Sky's Rob Palmer asked David Beckham to reveal what he'd got up to the night before. "I just went round to Gary's (Neville) with a load of chocolate to watch the game," he confessed. Chocolate? Alex would want to keep an eye on that young fella.

While United may spend this summer resisting huge offers for the services of young Beckham, ITV may be tempted to give Murray Walker a free transfer after his struggle to find form since his move from the BBC. Indeed, so much have ITV spent on securing the rights to Formula One racing and Murray that they appear to have every little left in the kitty - they can't even afford a studio now, they're living in a boat.

"Welcome aboard the ITV yacht our rented home for the next couple of days," said Jim Rosenthal as he introduced coverage of the qualifying sessions from Monte Carlo.

Trouble was it was very breezy in Monaco and the yacht was furiously bobbing up and down. "Monaco throws up the unexpected," said resident expert Tony Jardine, who, one suspects, was close to doing the same thing himself.

Meanwhile Murray was all at sea during his commentary on the qualifying session. "Here is the man to watch, Giancarlo Fisichella ... he's going for pole position," he said as the Jordan driver zipped around.

"Well, he's way off the pace at the moment, eight seconds off in the first sector, four off in the second," said a disappointed Murray. But. "NOW HE'S QUICK, NOW HE'S QUICK, I'm sorry, my apologies, I was looking at Barrichello's times - Fisichella is very much on the pace, he's fastest of all in his first sector, fastest of anybody in the second sector . . . and Fisichella is fastest so far."

During the race? AND THAT IS ALESI - out in the Benetton and he's lost his front wing," howled Murray.

"It's Gerhard, Gerhard Berger," said Martin Brundle. "Sorry," said Murray.

After the race? "In the absence of his father, Prince Rainier, Prince Albert will present the trophy to Michael Schumacher. Oh, Prince Rainier is not only here but he's presenting the trophy to Michael Schumacher.

Poor Murray. Poor Formula One fans. Poor ITV.