Stephen's a table topper

ALL IN THE GAME: A soccer miscellany

SOME footballers, as we know, are very fond of personalised registration plates, but until we saw this photo from VIPmagazine we had no idea personalised pool tables were an option too.

Well, we're assuming it's Stephen's name on the table, rather than the team managed by Giovanni Trapattoni?

Lehmann's language: Wiese guy has real beef with Jens

THE now retired, but never retiring, Jens Lehmann has moved in to football punditry and, predictably enough, isn't shy about speaking his mind. There was no goalkeepers' union solidarity from him last week after Werder Bremen's 2-2 draw with Spurs in the Champions League, Lehmann somewhat sharply blaming Tim Wiese for Spurs' first goal.

Wiese, who clearly has immense respect for the former German goalkeeper, took the criticism well, noting that: "Lehmann belongs in the Muppet Show, on the couch or in a mental institution".

SAM: I'M SOPHISTICATED, ME

"THERE is a problem with perception. Arsène is seen as a sophisticated Frenchman while Im just a rugged English centre half from the Midlands with an accent to match, but is Arsène more advanced than me in terms of coaching? Not a chance.

"I'm not suited to Bolton or Blackburn, I would be more suited to Inter or Real Madrid. It wouldn't be a problem to me to go and manage those clubs because I would win the double or the league every time."

Sam Allardyce, still battling self-esteem issues.

Worried sick: Walters texts in ultimate sick note to physio

WHO has the worst job in football? Well, there are probably a few contenders, but after yesterday's interview with Jon Walters in the News of the Worldyou'd have to hand the title to the poor old physio at Ipswich Town.

Walters, who's hoping to win himself a place in Giovanni Trapattoni's squad, left Ipswich for Stoke City last month, his relationship with Roy Keane not the warmest at the time of his departure.

According to the player, Keane suspected he was less than committed to the Championship side once he heard talk of interest from Premier League clubs, and when he was sick the night before a League Cup match at Exeter Walters "knew Roy wouldn't believe me".

So, what did he do? "I took a picture of my sick and sent it to the physio," he said. That must have been a delightful text to open up. Of course, it could have been anyone's vomit, the dog's even. No worries, Walters had a way of proving where it came from. "I got the physio and doctor to smell my breath the next morning just after I'd been sick again."

Two words: "Oh" and "Lord".

Balotelli turned on by AC: Manchester not such a super city says Milan-fan Mario

A KNEE injury has restricted Mario Balotelli to just one appearance for Manchester City since his move from Inter Milan last month, the player returning to Italy for surgery. It might be an idea if City ship him back to Manchester pronto, though, because the fella seems to making eyes at AC Milan.

"Forza Milan," he shouted at reporters from his hospital window, which presumably went down nicely with his former Inter buddies. "What's wrong with that?" he said in a radio interview, "if I like Milan, what can I do about it?"

He tried, though, to reassure his new employers of his commitment to the City cause, but in the process was a bit rude about Manchester architecture when he pointed out that "if I was looking for the nicest house in the world, I wouldn't have come to England".

Meanwhile, Balotelli's trip home got trickier still when a woman by the name of Melissa Castagnoli turned up on Italian television to announce that she was "dumping" him, news that might have been of interest to his current girlfriend.

"She was never my girlfriend," he insisted, "everyone tries to use me for publicity so they can be in the newspapers."

But when asked what he'd do if he had his time over, he half hinted he may actually have been familiar with Melissa after all.

"I wouldn't spend time with silly girls who just want to use me for publicity. I prefer to be alone than with such brainless people. Evidently I must be stupid as well, as I keep on finding these girls." City? Good luck.

Body issue: keeper Tim gets 'em off

IT'S A year since six DC United players agreed to pose naked for the "Body Issue" of ESPN's magazine. The group reckoned it was a grand idea – until they turned up for the shoot.

"You always have that bad dream, where you're naked on the soccer field, you know," Ben Olsen told the Washington Postat the time.

"I've had it before, for sure. You forget your uniform, you're out there, and it just somehow came true during a photo shoot. It was pretty trippy."

While Olsen reckoned he looked "diesel" (this is a very good thing, apparently), his family was less impressed. "My mother's not happy," he said, "she's gonna have to explain this at her Catholic church."

The trauma of it all, though, didn't put off Olsen's former United States team-mate, Tim Howard. The Everton goalkeeper volunteered to get his kit off for the latest ESPN Body Issue, and the lad looks a bit diesel himself.

LONG ODDS ON BABY CROUCH

AFTER last week's news that the partner of England striker Peter Crouch is expecting a baby boy, a certain betting company offered odds on a range of possibilities surrounding the happy announcement. "Baby Crouch to be taller than Peter Crouch (6ft 7in) on his 18th birthday" was 10 to 1 while "Baby Crouch to become a professional model" was offered at 15 to 1. You can also bet on what the couple will call their baby – Peter Jnr is the favourite, although we noted another name on the list: Wayne. Naughty.

Growing pains: Teenage diets, big feet, and existential excuses

WORD OF MOUTH

"Obviously he eats his veg."

– Roy Keane on Connor Wickham, his still-growing 6ft 3in 17-year-old striker.

"It's the fault of the banks – they shouldn't have allowed people to over-extend themselves as much as they did."

– Having over-extended Barings Bank a bit himself, we're assuming Galway United chief executive Nick Leeson said this with a wink.

"It was such a good shot that even if the 'keeper had saved it, it would have gone in the back of the net."

– Les Ferdinand on ITV, as heard by Private Eye.

"I scarf down food like a horse and no one is happier than me."

– Carlo Ancelotti in his autobiography, which appears to be as much about his eating habits as it is about football.

"If there was a god then he wouldn't have let Werder Bremen come back from two goals down against Spurs tonight."

– London Times columnist David Aaronovitch, on the BBC's Newsnight, explaining why he's an atheist.

"Sacchi should learn to shut up. He must speak less on TV and in the newspapers. If you don't like how I play, don't watch me."

– Zlatan Ibrahimovic, live on Italian television, after the former Italian coach Arrigo Sacchi suggested that if he hadn't such big feet he couldn't have scored one of his goals against Auxerre.

"Look, it was only a compliment."

– Sacchi's reply (see above). Lesson learned: don't call Zlatan "Big Feet" again.