Spooky goings-on down Eurosport way

You know when something spooky happens to you in the course of your life and you wonder is it a message from a higher power telling you that the time has come to change your ways? A second chance maybe, like when you miss that plane that ends up lodged in the side of a mountain or you set your video for truck racing on Eurosport and you end up with the 1996 Ms Fitness USA Championships on your tape?

Or maybe, in this case, it was just bad luck. A Mr Unfit USA competition might have provided more interesting viewing, but if it exists, Eurosport have, to my knowledge, yet to air it.

The channel has, in recent years, made this genre of bodybuilding/strongman/strongwoman/bulgy people contests its own, partly because no other sports channel wants them, partly because they have an awful lot of airtime to fill. (Up until this year, their Formula One coverage, which regularly featured live pictures of the track drying out after a shower, filled about 98 per cent of their air-time - but they lost that to ITV).

Actually Ms Fitness USA turned out to be quite an extraordinary competition with even more extraordinary competitors. Take Tatiana Anderson for example. The 30-yearold "veteran", commentator Simon Reed told us, is a "former world champion baton twirler before becoming Miss Petite Texas and then Miss National Fitness". Now I don't know how they rear them in Texas, but if Tatiana is petite one couldn't even begin to imagine what their big women are like. Between ourselves, one suspects she repeated that old chant, "I must, I must improve my bust", one too many times for her own safety as a teenager.

Having completed the beauty, poise and projection section (the gown round), Tatiana donned her swimsuit to line out for the physical beauty and muscle tone round. "What the judges are looking for here," explained Simon, "is whether the physique appears evenly developed with lean muscularity in the upper and lower body - a balanced, sculpted appearance without over-development in any one area."

A balanced, sculpted appearance without over-development in any one area? Tatiana was lucky she didn't keel over and land on her nose, such was the remarkable degree of over-development in her upper front region. She scored well, though, which suggested that the judges (most of whom were male) surprisingly didn't deduct too many points for her less than balanced sculpted appearance. The most inspiring part of the competition, however, was the Rose of Tralee-esque section when the competitors told us a little about themselves and, in some cases, read us a poem (for this bit they sported evening wear).

Lesley Wood, whose mother was a competitive bodybuilder and whose parents gave her gym membership for her 15th birthday, told us she just wanted to "blow the judges' doors in". "The only difference between you and me is that I'm doing it, you're not," she declared, while looking straight at those of us curled up on our living room couches, munching extra large packs of nacho cheese-flavoured tortilla chips. (According to Lesley we are part of the "inactive market", which is the politest definition of the term `slob' I have ever heard).

Then there was Christie Baxley of North Carolina. "The lifestyle I have chosen is a joint effort, not only with my partner in the gym, but also with my partner in life - my husband Chuck. With our combined knowledge we plan to build a happy and healthy family," said Christie, before tilting her head sideways and smiling a big cheesy smile in to the camera.

It was Patrea Johnson, Ms Fitness Western States, though, who left them (in this viewer's humble opinion) all standing in the talking round. "My heart was pounding, I could barely breathe, the cornfields of Indiana were rushing towards me . . I knew I was going to die." Blimey. What was Patrea at before her imminent death? "Pow, the chute opened. I was safe."

Oh. Parachuting. Phew.

"As I drifted to the ground, still shaking, I knew I had achieved. I'd tackled something I'd feared and to complete the jump I controlled my fear," she continued, as the viewers wiped the sweat from their brows. "Then, my philosophy of fitness training became clear - I said to myself, `forget the negative. Image: achievement'. Thank you."

Before the speech, Patrea was in 11th place overall. After? She slipped to 13th. The judges? Philistines. Maybe they weren't impressed, but Patrea's words left the rest of us so overcome with inspiration that we binned our extra large packs of nacho cheese flavoured tortilla chips (once we finished the tasty crumby bits at the bottom of the bag) and went in search of those leotards we bought over a decade ago (and never took out of the bag).

Having noted that the judges didn't care whether or not Patrea made a safe landing in the cornfields of Indiana, Shelly Rego (21, Miss Fitness New York) chose a different route in to their hearts: the `I love my Mom and Pop SO much' line. "I am standing here upon this stage tonight as a result of the amazing support and patience my family has given me since I've been a child," she whispered. And in her back stage interview Shelly explained just how much winning the competition would mean to her. "I will sit in my car and drive around and think `what if I'm the next Miss Fitness USA' . . . and I actually get a tear in my eye," she said.

Well, when the judges announced their winner, Shelly was in floods - she won. First prize? $36,500. Tatiana? Third. And then she fell over. Patrea? Stranded in an Indiana corn field.

"In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king," Patrea should have howled at the judges as she left the auditorium. No, I don't know what it means either, but Rodney Marsh does - and it sounds deep. The former England international has been uttering these profound sayings on Sports Saturday (Sky Sports) the past few months and they don't half leave his fellow football experts puzzled.

"There's an old North American Indian saying - `In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king'," he said on Saturday, after criticising Wolves president Jack Hayward for putting too much pressure on his manager to win promotion this season. Stunned silence in the studio.

"Oh yeah," said George Best after a while. "Expand on that Rodney," pleaded a confused Alan Brazil. "You work it out," he answered unhelpfully.

My philosophy of fitness training became clear - `In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king'. Now that sounds good, even if it doesn't mean a whole lot. Patrea should try it next year.