PlanetFootball

Despite the team's worryingly decent form it has, Damien Duff has admitted, been a frustrating time at Chelsea so far as he attempts to come to terms with Claudio Ranieri's dizzying rotation policy.

Away from home

In his 16 appearances to date for the club Duff has only played four full games, been taken off seven times and brought on as a substitute on five occasions (including in Saturday's game against Everton, when he only played the last 12 minutes).

Duff, though, and his colleagues, finally got a full and frank explanation from their manager last week as to why he chops and changes the team so much. Ready? "If it is the case that you need just a first 11 and three or four more players, then why did Christopher Columbus sail to India to discover America," he said. To which Duff, no doubt, replied: "right - that's that cleared up then".

Graham Stack, meanwhile, wouldn't mind if Arsene Wenger rotated just a little bit more, although after some of Jens Lehmann's recent mishaps the young Irish goalkeeper might yet get a lengthy first team run at Highbury. For now Stack has to be content with a place on the Arsenal bench, but he made the most of his run-out against Rotherham in the League Cup last week, scoring to make it 8-8 in the penalty shoot-out that decided the tie, before saving Rotherham's next effort - Arsenal won 9-8.

Just the ticket

Any Longford Town supporters who thought their club won the FAI Cup the Sunday before last were, according to Ticketmaster's website on Tuesday, sadly mistaken. Despite beating St Pat's in the final the website advertised tickets for the "replay" at Lansdowne Road at 7.30 on Wednesday evening. Mind you, when we tried to buy tickets for the game we were told they weren't "currently available for this event". Either they got wind of Longford's triumph, or the game was sold out.

Alarm bells over name

There are, according to the Guardian, ructions at Manchester City following the club's decision to name one of its stands after former manager Joe Mercer, and not Colin Bell, who won an internet poll to decide which City legend should receive the honour. Bell has written to the City chairman John Wardle to complain about the snub, having been originally told by the club that he had "convincingly won" the poll.

City fan Simon Hattenstone accused the club of being "po-faced" after it emerged that they ignored the poll result because they suspected it had been rigged by rival supporters who, they suggested, delighted in the prospect of the ground having a stand called the "Bell End". For the uninitiated: "Bell End" is a euphemism for an unmentionable part of the anatomy.

Quotes of the week

"Now we are treading water. In a year's time I hope to have one foot on the sand, which is where we want to be as quickly as possible. And following that I would hope to be on the sand running with a blonde."

- Leeds United chairman John McKenzie, dreaming of a jog on the beach with Alan Smith (thanks Howard).

"For some people even if you hang us it would not be enough. You should hang us twice - and maybe at Hyde Park in front of the whole country."

- Arsene Wenger, who's beginning to sound worryingly like Alex Ferguson.

"Emile (Heskey) scored two and could have scored two more. I told him afterwards I was pleased he missed some chances because that meant he was getting into the positions and that happens to every striker."

- Gerard Houllier's unique logic continues to be a cause for concern for Liverpool supporters.

Scarey night

Overheard at Belfield on Friday night, Halloween . . . a remark made by a Shamrock Rovers supporter, unimpressed by the first half against UCD, as the players made for the dressing room: "Are youse all dressed up as footballers?" (thanks Michael).

Chinese speak

This week an ITV programme, Body Parts, will claim that David Beckham is as brainy as chess master Gary Kasparov because of his ability to estimate the correct trajectory for the ball when he is taking free-kicks.

Any way, the Chinese publishers of Beckham's autobiography clearly had no regard for his genius when they felt the need to edit his words for the Chinese translation of the book. "We fully respect the original," explained He Yuxing of China City Publishing House, "but tried to make it suit our reading habits." So, for example, in the English language edition Beckham describes his debut for Manchester United as an "anti-climax"; in the Chinese version he says it was "a snake's head and a tiger's tail". And when Beckham quotes Alex Ferguson telling him "to go home" after a row, his Chinese fans will read that Ferguson said: "roll up your quilt". Or should that be "roll up your ****ing quilt"?

Getting shirty

Word has it that, much to his delight, Teddy Sheringham's Portsmouth kit is sponsored by a shop by the name of Classique Lingerie. Our sympathy, though, goes to Portsmouth manager Harry Redknapp whose gear is paid for by ... Bluebell Nursing Home.

Drummer returns

Whatever happened to . . . Animal from The Muppets? Remember? The manic drummer? Well, he will, happily, return to the spotlight next month when he will star alongside Arsenal's Thierry Henry in the latest ad for the Renault Clio, making an appearance as a drummer in a swanky jazz club, according to the Telegraph. Apparently he pipped first cousin Martin Keown to the part.

Fast track to match

There were red faces at Real Madrid last week when the squad refused to travel to the game against Real Zaragoza on the new high-speed AVE train because of concerns about the safety of the line. The players insisted on flying to the game instead, despite the club having already bought and paid for 30 tickets for the train trip. In the end only one of the tickets was used - by Real president Florentino Perez, who happens to be the boss of the company that is building the line.