Planet Soccer

compiled by Mary Hannigan

Quotes of the week

"I am still alive. You cannot kill me."

- Avram Grant's relations with the English press just get cheerier.

"I have lived for the first time for many years in my country, in my city, with my family. I had time to do things that I don't have when I'm working. But now it's enough."

- Jose Mourinho, fed up hanging out with the wife and kids, heads to the job centre.

"It is news to you that this is a fixed league? Rangers and Celtic win titles by 30 points! How many times this season have we been screwed by referees? If a smaller club starts to grow they use all mechanisms to pull it down."

- Hearts chairman Roman Romanov with another restrained appraisal of the Scottish Premier League.

"What's it like at Sellafield? Not too bad I don't think. You don't get people walking down the street glowing. I've had a few comments about that, but it's not that bad."

- Aston Villa goalkeeper Scott Carson, glowing with pride, stands up for his home patch.

"It's just my style. The last few years I've been shooting like that and I feel very good because I've been scoring magnificent goals and I want to carry on."

- Cristiano Ronaldo modestly assesses his free-kicks.

"Cristiano is at another level. He is so good he puts United on his shoulders and carries them in every game."

- Fernando Torres pays tribute to the other 10 members of the Manchester United team.

"Sometimes you do make a p***k of yourself. You get caught up in the moment. There are times when you look at the TV afterwards and think, 'Oh God, you plonker'."

- Wigan manager Steve Bruce unimpressed by his own sideline jigs and reels after Monday's last minute equaliser against Chelsea.

"I'm still very bitter about it and personally I hope Liverpool never win another trophy under Benitez. I like them as a club but I would be very pleased to see them win nothing."

- Neil Warnock, still not happy that a weakened Liverpool lost to Fulham 11 months ago, a result that helped his then Sheffield United side to relegation.

"We knew he was bad as a manager, prehistoric, but we didn't know he was a person like this. I will talk with my lawyers but we don't need to waste time with him."

- Rafael Benitez blows some kisses back in Neil Warnock's direction.

"I had never left home before and arrived in Manchester where it rained all the time, my English was not too good, I knew nothing and the food was terrible. Well, what can I say? I looked at myself in the mirror and said 'Gerard, what have you done?'"

- Gerard Pique reflects fondly on his arrival at Manchester United.

"Jose Mourinho is the reason I came to Chelsea and if I knew Avram Grant was going to be the coach then I would have signed for another club . . . I knew that nothing good would come with Grant as Chelsea coach."

- Tal Ben Haim nicely settled at Stamford Bridge and fully behind his manager.

Kelly's silver lining

WHEN Steve Bruce signed right-back Stuart Parnaby for Birmingham City last June we were fairly certain that that would be the end of that for Stephen Kelly at the club, that he'd have to move on. We were, as it proves, almost right, apart from the fact that Kelly is the only outfield player to have played in every minute of every Premier League game this season.

The Daily Mailnoted that a grey hair or two has appeared on the head of the 24-year-old since the campaign kicked off. "People will say it's part and parcel of playing in defence for Birmingham," he replied.

After the way his team defended yesterday against Aston Villa the poor lad will be lucky if he's not silver all over come season's end. Great record, though.

Richardson embellishes his legendary status

DAMIEN Richardson's programme notes through the years have been the stuff of legend, although a hefty dictionary was required to help you get the gist of his meaning. It was always worth the effort, though - this, after all, is the man who described the game as "a ballet of wondrous beauty choreographed by highly skilled performers, dramatising the conflict between good and evil that takes place in every heart".

Since leaving Cork City last season Richardson has been on duty as a pundit with RTÉ's Monday Night Soccer, and on the programme's website he has a weekly "Eye on the eL" column. We particularly enjoyed his views on the absence of any home-based players in Giovanni Trapattoni's first Irish squad.

"The boul' Trap would not know his Healy and Gambles from his Proctor and Gambles, nor would he be able to differentiate between Stephen Kenny and Letterkenny. And why should he? Indeed, if Trapattoni possesses the manipulability to successfully steer us . . . to the 2010 World Cup finals, we will give him Proctor and Gamble all for himself, and he could do whatsoever he likes with Letterkenny.

"I'm sure the people of Letterkenny would not mind moving to Stranorlar or Ballybofey were it to ensure Ireland's qualification for South Africa. They wouldn't, would they? I mean, it's not as if we were asking them to move to Longford or somewhere like that is it? Ask not what your country and all that."

And on the issue of whether Paddy McCourt will play for the Republic or Northern Ireland . . . "if we can contemplate depopulating Letterkenny then we can bestow Paddy Mc with a green cap, although he may have to have some serious tonsorial adjustments to allow it be placed on his head."

Two words: required reading