Planet Soccer

Real are trapped by CageYou might have read last week about red faces at Real Madrid after the club, on the night they were knocked out of the Champions League by Roma, entertained a man proclaiming himself to be American actor Nicolas Cage.

'Cage' watched the game from the directors' area, was taken in to the team dressingroom and even had his photo taken with club president Ramon Calderon, who presented him with a personalised Real shirt.

All grand, except 'Cage' was, in fact, Italian television presenter Paolo Calabresi. No harm was done, other than leaving Real's cheeks a touch on the warm side, unlike another look-a-like incident in Italy where a bunch of Juventus fans thought they'd spotted referee Mauro Bergonzi, who had given Napoli two debatable penalties back in October in their 3-1 win over Juventus.

So they surrounded 'Bergonzi', "tried to abduct him and continually punch him", according to La Repubblica, until they finally accepted his word that he hadn't given any penalties to Napoli in October.

He was a bank manager.

Hunt mistake

It's been a desperately traumatic few weeks for Stephen Hunt. There was that tiff with Lee Carsley, on Saturday Richard Dunne limped out of action after an accidental collision between the pair, and before that his manager, Steve Coppell, banjaxed his attempts to keep his hair under control: "Stephen Hunt knows my feelingzs on hairbands - they're banned."

That's enough pain for any man, but the Daily Mailhad to add to his discomfort last week by revealing the details of an unfortunate incident on the team bus on the way back from Middlesbrough.

Hunt had been prescribed eye drops and a nasal spray to deal with a bout conjunctivitis that he was suffering from, and . . . well, you've guessed right.

"Hunt decided to administer the first dose of his treatment during the coach journey. A loud scream, however, soon alerted team-mates to his condition as the winger mistakenly used the nasal spray on his eyes."

Mysterious ways

Slightly bizarre headline of the week: Taylor and Bono in Sheffield United sights.

The Taylor in question is Graham, the former England manager; the Bono in question is, well, Bono, the Carlos Tevez of rock 'n' roll.

The Sheffield United link? Well, according to reports, the club's chairman Kevin McCabe wants Taylor to become "football overlord with United".

"We're looking for a younger Sir Bobby Robson," he said - and is seeking investment from an American sporting and media company, one of whose directors is Bono. Intriguing.

Presumably the United fans' new anthem will be Wednesday Bloody Wednesday?

Sorry.

Quotes of the week

"Last year's (Scottish title) race was a bit of a damp squid."

- Mark Hateley on the radio. Magnificent.

"Footballers are like prostitutes - we want to be where the money is. Therefore, I would never reject the chance to play for anyone. ."

- Helsingborg's Razak Omotoyossi offering his services to the highest bidder.

"Can you imagine in any other profession that a dentist would try to demolish a dentist, or a painter a painter? This is a game please, this is an appeal to everybody to stop this."

- Fifa president Sepp Blatter, who sort of suggested dangerous tackles be made a criminal offence.

"I have to be careful with this subject, I would have been doing a bit of porridge myself."

Roy Keane, when asked about Blatter's proposal.

"There are gay footballers but they don't declare it because they think it will not be accepted in these macho organisations. Look at women's football: homosexuality is more popular there."

- Blatter. His colleagues must weep when they see him approaching a microphone.

"Football is like fighting a gorilla - you don't stop when you're tired, you can only stop when the gorilla is tired."

- Former Fulham manager Chris Coleman. Beyond that we can't help you.

"The prices at Wembley are very expensive . . . if we got to a semi against Middlesbrough both of us would have to go down to Wembley when we could play at Manchester City, Liverpool or Everton."

- Alex Ferguson worrying about the cost of an FA Cup semi-final trip to London for United supporters. Stop giggling at the back.

"It was the 95th minute of their usual seven minutes of injury-time."

- Alex Ferguson, scooping the Pot, Kettle, Black award for March, reflecting on Arsenal's injury time equaliser against Aston Villa.

"The names on the backs of their shirts are different to how they are known socially."

- Spurs' Brazilian signing Gilberto, still trying to figure out who Keanie, Berbie and Bentie are.