Planet soccer

By MARY HANNIGAN

Quotes of the week

“I won’t be sat with a beer in my hand thinking ‘we’ll just let them roll us over and tickle our belly and say, thanks for that’.”

– Mick McCarthy previewing Wolves’ game against Arsenal, in which they had their tummies well and truly tickled by Fabregas and Co.

“I have been living for two-and-a-half weeks in a rented apartment, but here I have nothing. I was told that robbers come for all kinds of clocks and ornaments, but I don’t have any. I heard that robbers come and demand that the owner opens his safe. I have one, but I don’t use it. I don’t even know how to open it.”

– Everton’s Russian midfielder Diniyar Bilyaletdinov warns Merseyside’s burglars they’d be wasting their time breaking in to his pad.

“In other countries they treat idols differently and I am an idol in Germany. This may sound a little cocky but after Franz Beckenbauer I am the second most famous German soccer personality around the world. Germany should be ashamed of the way it treats such an idol.”

– Lothar Matthaeus at a loss to modestly understand why he can’t get a managerial job at a German club.

Nottingham Forest website: “It’s almost seven months since we were last beaten away from home. What do you put that down to?”

Luke Chambers: “The fact that we didn’t play for three months during the summer was a massive help.”

“I left Roma, and I left Real Madrid. If people aren’t happy any more, then I can pack my bags here too. They have been become accustomed to eating Nutella and as soon as they must eat some s**t they behave in this manner.”

– The one and only Antonio Cassano after being booed by Sampdoria supporters following a 0-0 draw with Bari.

Goalie Onyszko is ****ing poleaxed

DANISH club FC Midtjylland insisted that everyone deserves a second chance when they signed Polish goalkeeper Arek Onyszko earlier this year, not long after he’d been sacked by Odense when he was sentenced to three months in jail for assaulting his ex-wife in her home.

But now Midtjylland have given up on the chap, who sported an electronic tag on his ankle when he turned out for them, after he rejected their request not to proceed with the publication of his autobiography, catchily titled “****ing Polack”.

In the book Onyszko shares his feelings on a range of subjects, including gays (or “vomit”, as he refers to them) and women, who he just doesn’t seem to like very much at all, at all.

“These remarks do not coincide with the values of our club,” said Midtjylland, with their head of sport, Jens Orgaard, declaring, somewhat ruefully, that Onyszko had “abused our trust”.

Third chance anyone?

Coach Adolf

ERSKINE, a British charity that raises funds for war veterans in need of medical care, recently carried out a poll testing the knowledge of 2,000 children, between nine and 11, about the two World Wars.

One in 20 of the kids thought the Holocaust was an end-of-war celebration, one in six reckoned Auschwitz was a theme park and one in 10 believed that SS stands for Secret Seven, as in the Enid Blyton books. And when asked who was Adolf Hitler? one in 20 said he was a German football coach!

Age-checking system needs checking

FIFA have been busy in recent times trying to ensure that players in their underage tournaments are as young as they claim to be, even using MRI scans to check out bone density to determine ages.

Former Nigerian international Adokiye Amiesimaka, however, suspects the age-checking system needs some fine-tuning. “In the 2002-’03 season I was chairman of Sharks Football Club of Port Harcourt,” he wrote in his Nigerian newspaper column. “I decided to have a feeder team of fresh school leavers not older than 20 years. One of my key players then is the current captain of our so-called under-17 Golden Eaglets. By his own admission at that time, that is seven years ago, he was 18 years old.”

That would be Fortune Chukwudi he’s talking about. “MRI or not, his football history is common knowledge,” said Amiesimaka, “Fifa must review the procedure.” Indeed.

More quotes of the week

“There is no one on my level in France at the moment. I could come off as being arrogant, but I am sure of it . . . I am back to my standards . . . my objective is to play more regularly and give my all in order to be called up for next summer’s finals.”

– Patrick Vieira, gobsmacked by his exclusion from the French squad for the games against Ireland, but hopeful that he’ll be back in time for South Africa. Ahem?

“Worried about swine flu? I’ve had Aids twice and am still doing my job and sitting here talking to you!’’

– Anderlecht manager Ariel Jacobs. The Daily Mirrorassumed he was kidding, so we will too.

“I’m not saying you have to be married to be a good footballer. I’m just saying it felt strange to come to a club where there are only three members of the first-team squad who are married. You need responsibility in life. I’m not going about finding wives for them, it was just a shock to me.”

– Gordon Strachan noting his Middlesbrough players are showing as little commitment off the pitch as they are on it.