Planet Football

A roundup of today's others stories in brief

Quotes of the week

"It's better than Big Brother, you just don't know what is going to happen."

- Roy Keane, enjoying the reality show that is the FAI's search for a new manager.

"I'm convinced some people never wanted me to succeed. It was mainly the television punditry. I'm not naming anyone. People will know who I'm talking about. They weren't very complimentary, to say the least."

- We'll take it that Steve Staunton won't be joining the RTÉ panel any day soon.

"If you get a bad defeat, a poor performance, then it's like a turkey shoot. But there's only one target and everyone is standing there facing you with a machine gun."

- Staunton again, reminiscing about those post-match press conferences with gun-toting reporters.

"If people are worried about me losing my temper in certain situations, trust me, they've seen nothing yet. If people are worried now, by Jesus."

- Keane again, promising volcanic days ahead at Sunderland.

"If you keep walking past the barbers eventually you'll get a haircut."

- The one and only Paul Merson, warning that if Middlesbrough carry on courting relegation they'll end up with a short back and sides.

"In Italy referees are all handsome, athletic, telegenic. Here they have tubby bellies and they blow up very little because they are not mad about getting noticed."

- Flavio Briatore, co-owner of Queens Park Rangers (and managing director of the Renault Formula One team), paying tribute to English referees.

Seriously.

Stoking the fire

There is, we know by now, rarely a dull moment in the life of Anthony Stokes who, after the week he had, is probably entitled to conclude that the whole world's out to get him.

Earlier in the week the internet was full of, eh, well informed speculation that he had left Sunderland, claims that looked a touch rocky when he subsequently turned out for the club's reserves, scoring twice against Newcastle. And then was named in the starting line-up for yesterday's game against Portsmouth.

That wasn't all. A week ago we told you about a story in the Sunday People which claimed that an angry neighbour of Stokes' rang the club demanding to speak to Roy Keane about his player's habit of playing his music too loud.

"It seems her complaint hit the mark," they said. "Keane assured her there would be no more parties, Stokes found the remote and, two days after the call, a bunch of flowers arrived from Keane and the club offering their sincere apologies." Very nice. Come Friday? "ANTHONY STOKES: AN APOLOGY," read the rather large headline on the website. "We now accept the story was untrue and we apologise to Stokes for our error."

Cripes, send that lad a bunch of flowers.

Hansen's a gas man

Whether the Sun will have to send Alan Hansen a bunch of flowers and an apology in the coming days remains to be seen. Last week they reported that a film crew visited his home recently to interview him about his Liverpool days for a new series entitled Football Years. The interview was done in Hansen's living-room and he asked the crew if they would like him to put on his gas fire to make the room look more homely. They said yes. Some days later, they claimed, he billed them for the cost of gas used during the visit. A "thrifty Scot" they dubbed him, naturally enough.

More quotes of the week

"Newcastle is a strange club. I don't know what else you can say about them."

- Alex Ferguson. He's right, you know.

"Both players had upset tummies. If they hadn't run off pretty sharpish the pitch may have had some unexpected fertilisation."

- Manchester United coach Brian McClair revealing Rio Ferdinand and Patrice Evra had to be substituted against Fulham last month because they had the runs after eating dodgy lasagne. Thanks for that Brian.

"The good thing about these early kick-offs is that you can go out for a meal and still be in your pyjamas for half eight."

- Crystal Palace manager Neil Warnock on his wild social life.

"People said I was pitting my wits against Sir Alex Ferguson - but it is like using a water pistol to take on a machine gun."

- Birmingham manager Alex McLeish on his recent visit to Old Trafford.

"I think he went for the ball. It was probably with his studs showing, but foreigners tend to tackle like that."

- Phil Neville, with a straight-ish face, on Chelsea's John Obi Mikel.

"He simply went for the money. Andreas gave us his word and then signed with another club. Now we know what his word is worth. Only a characterless rat would do such a thing."

- Borussia Dortmund sporting director Michael Zorc showing there were no hard feelings after Andy Hinkel opted to move to Celtic instead of Dortmund.

Ins and outs of Saha

December: "It has been difficult but I am injury-free now." (Louis Saha).

January: "Louis Saha will miss Manchester United's game against Newcastle after suffering another injury setback. The club has, however, dismissed speculation that he will be out for the season." (Everywhere).

Car trouble for Kitson

December 29th: "I don't own a car. I refuse to shell out the amount of money for a car that I should be worthy of having at this level. If I spent more than £10,000 on a car, if you could see where I came from, and you could see what my dad is driving around in and you could see my friends driving around in their Sky vans, it just wouldn't be right." (Dave Kitson).

January 10th: "Reading footballer Dave Kitson has been charged with failing to provide a breath sample after being stopped in his car by police late at night." Maybe Santa just arrived late at the Kitson house?