Planet Football

Not a bad week for Graham Kavanagh - named First Division Player of the Month for September, recalled to the Irish squad for the first time in four years and scored a gem for Cardiff on Saturday, from 25 yards (a consolation, mind you: Crystal Palace won 2-1).

Away from home

And what of Liam Miller? He might not be in the Irish squad yet, but he's getting there. Scored for Celtic in their Champions League win over Lyons, started in Saturday's win over Glasgow buddies Rangers and has been promised a new contract by Martin O'Neill.

"A 35-year deal if I can manage it," said the manager, which would have the Cork man playing until he's 57. Just as well he has a good engine.

Still mad about the Roy

A pleasant time was had by all at Sunderland's "meet the fans" night last week when Mick McCarthy, Gary Breen and Jason McAteer, amongst others, answered questions from a crowd of 300 supporters at the Stadium of Light Sports Bar.

McCarthy said he tried to get Sunderland left back Julio Arca an Irish passport, under the name "Hoolie O'Arca", a jest that almost brought the roof down.

When asked what was the highlight of his time managing Ireland, McCarthy revealed: "Sending that twat home". And if he could sign any player? "That twat", so he could send him home every week.

Quotes of the week

"If you'd thrown a hand grenade into the centre-circle you'd have killed 20 people."

- Brian Clough after last week's "negative" game between Derby and Nottingham Forest

"I wish I'd been out there.I could have put that in with my you-know-what."

- Clough again, on the open goal missed by Forest's Danny Sonner in the same game.

"Do you think we are going to come out on to the pitch next Saturday with machine guns and shoot the England team?"

- Aston Villa's Turkish international Alpay, trying to calm English nerves ahead of their trip to Turkey.

"The English will get the hospitality they deserve."

- Aston Villa's Turkish international Alpay, failing to calm English nerves ahead of their trip to Turkey.

"You don't live in a democracy when he is in charge - it's more of a Martocracy."

- Kasey Keller fondly reflects on his days at Leicester City under Martin O'Neill.

The trouble with Ricksen "I don't know what it is with me," Rangers' Fernando Ricksen told the Scottish Daily Record last week, "wherever I go there always seems to be bloody trouble."

Indeed there has - these are just the highlights: punched a neighbour after he complained about the player setting off fireworks in his garden at five in the morning ("I was surrounded by a mountain of old age pensioners, they are in bed by 11.0 and start moaning and ringing the police"); put a strain on his relationship with his girlfriend Graciela by bringing home a lap-dancer and spending the evening bouncing with her on a trampoline in the garden, like you do; dropped by Holland for breaking down a hotel room door in Belarus last June after he'd lost his key; accused of being so drunk that night he drank the contents of a huge vase of flowers in the hotel lobby ("That was exaggerated. Let's face it, tap water in Belarus isn't all that great. Do you really think I would drink a bloody flower vase of water?").

Then there was a one-year ban for drink-driving and a five-game ban for a karate kick on Aberdeen's Darren Young ("he needed straightening out").

Last week he pushed a man into a hotel swimming pool for a laugh, and then discovered the man was, in fact, Rangers chairman John McClelland. He had to jump in to haul him out after McClelland got in to difficulties - by then the chairman's £12,000 Cartier watch was ruined, as was his digital camera and mobile phone.

Despite all these "setbacks" the player is unrepentant: "I don't give a monkey's - I am Fernando Ricksen and I do what I want."

PS: A happy note on which to conclude: Ricksen's stormy relationship with Graciela is back on. Has he discovered he can't live without her? No. He has "Graciela" tattooed on his arm? "It would be hard to find another girl with a name like that," he admitted. Genius.

Green gets it wong

BBC Five Live commentator Alan Green had to apologise last week following a remark he made during Manchester City's game against Spurs.

When City's Chinese defender Sun Jihai was on the ball, Green declared: "The number 17 - that will be the chicken chow mein, then". If he's not careful he'll be offered a job as a comedian on They Think It's All Over.

More quotes of the week

"I was asked about a year ago by somebody what would it take to transfer Henrik Larsson from Celtic and I said about £25 million and a one-way ticket to Paraguay for me."

- Celtic chairman Brian Quinn on the likely consequences of selling Larsson.

"You have to remember that David played behind the same four or five players for what seemed like a century at Arsenal."

- Kevin Keegan reveals that David Seaman is even older than we thought.

"As long as no one scored, it was always going to be close."

- No flies on Arsene Wenger.

"I have always said I will play football until I drop dead. It would be the perfect end for me leaving the pitch horizontally and never waking up again. Yes, I don't mind dying that way one day."

- Rangers' Fernando Ricksen. John Hartson might one day grant him his wish.

Asprilla the fallen guy

We were sad to read in the Daily Star last week of Faustino Asprilla's current problems. The 33-year-old Colombian is attempting to stay on the straight and narrow after an eventful career, the most recent highlight a mishap in the West Indies where he had to shoot his way out of a hotel after an argument with staff.

These things happen. A year ago he was on the verge of reviving his career at Darlington but he turned down their offer of £17,000-a-week, 20 per cent of the gate at Christmas and a rent-free bungalow because it "wasn't enough" to live in the town.

Now? More problems. "I feel very weak," he revealed last week. "Women have been leading me astray, and making me sin."

God love him.