Planet Football

Away from homeA large congratulatory 'pheeeew' to Roddy Collins and his band of Irish men at Carlisle United (amongst them the club's player of the year, ex-St Joseph's man Peter Murphy) who escaped relegation from the Football League by a point last week, thanks to their 3-2 win at Shrewsbury.

"There's something about Exeter City that's inexplicable, it has a positive power," gushed Uri Geller when he was appointed non-executive chairman of the club last year, before bringing in Darth Vader (the big lad from Star Wars) and Michael Jackson as honorary board members.

Geller, though, promised that he wouldn't use his fork-bending powers to influence the outcome of the season ahead but said he would work with the players and help them "activate their belief system and their mind power." How successful was he? Well, on Saturday, Exeter City were relegated to the Conference after 83 years in the Football League, finishing behind third-from-bottom Carlisle.

This means that if Jackson takes advantage of one of the perks of his honorary status at the club he'll be able to travel with the team on away games next season, visiting Dagenham and Redbridge and the like. That's something for Exeter's crop of Irish players - Kwame Ampadu, Geoff Breslan, Glen Cronin, Sean Devine, Sean McCarthy and Reinier Moor - to look forward to, unless they're lucky enough to get new clubs.

Showing true colours

Last week we mentioned that Dubliner Ian Simpemba made his debut for Wycombe Wanderers against Colchester - lo and behold, along came an email from Ronan McCabe (ace player with FC Hollywood, Astro League Division Three Champions) who had travelled to the very same game with his pal, Barry Maher.

At half time, Ronan told us, a local under-nines team took part in a penalty shoot-out. "The 6,000 or so fans really got into it and were cheering every goal, save and miss. The final kick was by a little kid in front of the goal which contained the home team's fans and us."

"He strolled up, coolly slotted the ball home and ran up to the fans celebrating. The crowd were really getting behind his celebrations when all of a sudden, to the astonishment and horror of the Wycombe fans and to ruptures of laughter from me and my mate, he pulls off his Wycombe jersey only to be wearing a Fulham jersey. He proceeded to start kissing the Fulham crest and jeering the fans who in turn started booing him. The sheer balls of the young lad. Legend!" Gem.

Quotes of the week

"I insist, some of our players do not deserve to live."

- Atletico Madrid president Jesus Gil calls for calm after his team's 1-0 defeat by Osasuna.

"One moment I'm playing football and the next - whack - I wake up in hospital unconscious."

- TalkSport's Alan Brazil, as heard by Dangerhere.com - a late but very worthy entry for our quotes of the season awards.

"There is pressure, too, in the dressing-room from the young players, who, when he says you have to play this way, they say '**** off Glenn'."

- Paolo Di Canio, hinting that he isn't the only Hammer who gave Glenn Roeder a hard time this season.

"It is unfair to judge my work merely on results."

- The superbly-named Laszlo Boloni, the Sporting Lisbon coach who is being "let go" at the end of the season. Why? Results.

"Shameless drunks."

- David Ginola's view of British women, or is it his chat-up line?

Two trains of thought on Carr

One man's meat is another's man's poison; one man's world class right back is a donkey. You'll remember that Stephen Carr was voted in to the Premiership team of the season a week ago, an honour that was soon followed by a place in Soccernet.com's Team of the Weak, their worst team of the season. "His selection can be regarded as a protest vote at the PFA team," wrote John Brewin. "How Stephen Carr, who has come in for heavy criticism from the Spurs faithful, got selected is a total mystery."

Carr could last be seen plucking daisies in his back garden . . . "they love me, they love me not".

Finding solace in Spurs

Must-get-out-more email of the week? The one sent by David Wragg to Football 365: "While looking for some sort of entertainment during Spurs' "performance" on Sunday, my friend Rob noticed that if you take the 'E' from the front of the surname of Matthew Etherington and put it on the end, you get 'Matthew The Ring Tone'."

O'Brien by a nose

"He's got a horrendous nose, poor lad," Bobby Robson told the Newcastle Evening Chronicle last week. We kind of guessed - and we mean no offence - that he was talking about Andy O'Brien, the shape of whose snout, not for the first time in his career, was dramatically altered after being broken in the game against Sunderland.

Was Bobby sensitive to Andy's troubles? Well: "He already had a horrendous nose when it was right - you want to see it now. We're looking on the internet to try to find a nose shop. It's massive, it's black and blue, it's awful."

More quotes of the week

"He said to me, 'Dave, you've established us as a top four club now'. The implication was that they needed someone else to take them to the next level. Well, see where they've gone now?"

- David O'Leary, failing to sound gutted about Leeds' current woes.

"For the self-styled biggest club in the world, they're a complete joke. I've seen whelk stalls that are better run than them."

- Paddy Harverson, Manchester United's head of communications, has a go at Real Madrid. But has he ever seen a whelk stall win the Champions League?

"We practise soccer all the time. The marines practise fighting. They need to practise more soccer."

- Furat Kashkool, who refereed a football game between US servicemen and an Iraqi team (Najaf Poets) last week. Hark, the poets won 9-0.

"We've made an improvement, and I think from fourth to third at the top of the Premiership is a massive step. It's not so massive when you're 20th and you finish 19th or if you're 19th and you finish 18th or even if you finish 18th and then finish 17th. But I think when you move up a place at the top, it's quite massive, so we've had an improvement."

- Bobby Robson sums up the season, as only Bobby Robson can.

Beckham's Sun shine

Did you ever doubt that David Beckham sells newspapers? According to the Guardian's Media section the Sun attempted to do a meaty story on Labour MP George Galloway, putting him on the front page on April 23rd. Circulation? Down 65,000. A week later they put their "Beckham to Madrid" story on the front page. Circulation? Up 280,000. Expect more of the same. Lots of it.

The gardener reveals all

When and how did David O'Leary know that Rio Ferdinand was leaving Leeds? "We have a lady who cleans here a couple of times a week and she recommended a gardener who Rio also came to use. He told me Rio had said to him not to bother with his lawn or anything after May, which more or less confirmed the rumours I had heard that he was on his way," he told the Sunday Telegraph. Mystery solved - it was the gardener whodunit.