Planet Football

If you added their ages together you'd come up with 104, but, evidently, there's life yet in the auld legs of Niall Quinn, Owen Coyle and David Kelly. Our resident Statto tells us that Quinn's double against Charlton on Saturday was the first time he'd scored twice in a league game for Sunderland in almost two years. "Very interesting Statto," we didn't say.

Peter Reid probably reckons it was worth the wait though because the goals rescued a point for Sunderland after they'd been two down. "I just wish players like him grew on trees," said Reid, to which we say "hear, hear", except to add that it'd want to be a mighty branch to hold Niall Quinn.

Coyle, meanwhile, might not be playing in the more glamorous end of league football these days but he's doing very nicely thank you very much, scoring a first-half hat-trick for Airdrie on Saturday to bring his season's tally to a dizzy 11 goals in 13 games.

And David Kelly, another Republic old boy who's playing in Scotland, helped Motherwell lift themselves off the bottom of the Premier table by scoring in a 2-0 win over Hearts (making it four goals in eight games for him).

At the other end of the age scale, Richie Foran scored a late equaliser for Carlisle against Lincoln, his third in five games since joining from Shelbourne. Up in the Premiership, Jason McAteer finally made his first start of the season for Blackburn, in the 1-0 win over Everton, while Mark Kinsella played his first 90 minutes of the campaign in Charlton's draw.

Having left Kevin Keegan none too impressed after missing training last week, Richard Dunne had to make do with a place on the bench for Manchester City (he came on at half-time in their 6-2 win over Sheffield Wednesday), while David Connolly, already struggling at Wimbledon, could have done without picking up a red card on Saturday (for two bookable offences). Martin Rowlands, too, got to the bath before his team mates - he was only on the pitch for eight minutes, after coming on as a sub for Brentford, when he was sent off for thumping Oldham's Darren Sheridan.

In their alley

"Our UEFA Cup match was called off because of attacks in America the day before, so we went to pub at 3.30 in afternoon. Were loud and abusive to other drinkers, threw peanuts at them. Got thrown out by landlord. Urinated in bins outside pub. Stripped friend naked and left him at bus stop. Visited second pub but not allowed in by landlord who observed that we could hardly stand up. Visited hotel and one of the lads lowered trousers to expose himself to resident grieving Americans stranded in London after attacks.

"Harassed every passing woman. Swore loudly. Walked around bar with trousers and underwear around ankles. One of lads sat drinking with his exposed 'member' visible to grieving Americans. Downed pint of lager in one go and then vomited it all over floor.

"Moved on to bowling alley next door when hotel threatened to call police. Dived down lanes head first, knocking over bowlers and pins in process. One of the lads narrowly avoided having head sliced off by machine that sets up pins. Went home. Great night." An excerpt from the diary of fictitious footballer Darren Tackle in The Guardian? No - how Chelsea's Frank Lampard, Jody Morris, Eidur Gudjohnsen and Jon Terry and Leicester's Frank Sinclair might have summarised their day out on the town, the details of which were revealed by the News of the World. The Chelsea lads have been heavily fined by the club for upsetting the Americans in the hotel, Leicester probably just wish Sinclair WAS guillotined by that bowling alley machine (yes, t'was he).

Getting in the mood

Nice to hear the Japanese police are preparing for the worst ahead of next year's World Cup finals. Violence at football matches is not something they are familiar with so they've been staging mock riots recently to get themselves ready for any trouble they might meet. And who gets to play the part of the hooligans in these riots? Police officers with Union Jacks painted on their faces. Give a dog a bad name, eh?

Keen on Keane

Sven-Goran Eriksson and Giovanni Trapattoni, the coaches of England and Italy respectively, were interviewed on Italian television last week about their teams' World Cup prospects. Trapattoni was highly complimentary about the English team, prompting the interviewer to ask him which English player he would most like in his side. "Roy Keane of Manchester United," he replied, instantly. Yep, he did.

Quotes of the week

"He has a similar mentality to me."

Paul Gascoigne libels Steven Gerrard in the Sun.

"The pictures from the US and all the emotions were very strong. The world was in shock. Dutch people feel really connected to the world. The French, on the other hand, are really chauvinistic."

A PSV spokesman tries to explain why his team lost 4-1 to Nantes in the Champions League the day of the attacks in America.

"They sold me like a cow."

Jaap Stam on his moo-ve from Manchester United to Lazio.

Route one

You will, no doubt, have noted with interest that Peterborough United hammered Bournemouth 6-0 on Tuesday night. What you mightn't know, though, is how they managed to produce such a staggeringly fantastic result. Simple, it was all down to assistant manager Wayne Turner's tactical wizardry. "In training I worked on a pattern of play with the ball going towards goal," he revealed, in a semi-modest, semi-triumphant kind of way. Hmm, this could catch on you know.

Name dropping

As observed by Football 365 - during ITV's coverage of Borussia Dortmund v Liverpool last week Ron 'Big' Atkinson insisted on calling Sami Hyypia "Herpy", Tomas Rosicky, "Rusedski", while Des Lynam introduced commentator Jon Champion as "Bob Champion", the Grand National-winning jockey. Was there something in the ITV coffee?

Football on TV

Today: Southampton v Aston Villa, Sky Sports 1, 8 p.m.

Tomorrow: Deportivo La Coruna v Manchester United, TV3, 7.45 p.m.

Wednesday: Panathinaikos v Arsenal, TV3, 7.45 p.m.; Liverpool v Dynamo Kiev, UTV, 7.45 p.m.

Sunday: Rangers v Celtic, Sky Sports 3, Noon ; Ipswich Town v Leeds, Sky Sports 3, 4 p.m.