If you are an adult, two words of warning before you try to play the computer game you bought for your son, daughter, niece, nephew, grandchild this Christmas. First, you need to be under 10 to be any good at these things. Second, if you have children under 12 and you attempt to take them on in a football, golf or basketball computer game they will only humiliate you by thrashing you soundly and leave you feeling entirely inadequate. The trick is to feign disinterest in the game and wait for them to go to bed, before settling down for eight hours to read the joystick instruction manual (under-12s can skip this bit, they are born with a joystick in their hand). Again, you would need to have been born in the last decade to understand that games come in various formats, or `thingies' as adults call them. There's PC CD Rom, Playstation, Nintendo 64, Saturn, Sega Mega Drive, Super Nintendo, Gameboy, Amiga . . . buy a Playstation game for the under 12-yearold's Sega Mega Drive and your Christmas Day will be ruined.
The prices for games vary enormously too, starting at around £10 for budget games and rising to over £50 for some new games - take it that you won't buy many new titles (for any format) for less than £30.
If you are asked to buy a football game this Christmas chances are that it will either be FIFA 98 or Actua 2. FIFA 98 only arrived in the shops last week and, according to all the major stores, is well on its way to being the season's top seller. "Pick from 172 nations and take your team all the way to the in France," says the box, so, with enough practice, you might be able to get Ireland to the World Cup after all.
Andy Gray, Des Lynam and John Motson provide the commentary on the game so every time you scythe an opponent down with a tackle from behind you'll hear Motty gasp, "Ooh, I say". Actua 2 employs the commentating services of Barry Davies and Trevor Brooking, which might be one of the reasons FIFA 98 seems destined to outsell it.
Which is the better game? Ask 100 experts and they'll split down the middle, but they'll all admit you won't be disappointed by either. International Superstar Soccer, which is not yet available on all formats, is another highly recommended football game.
Also hugely popular in the football section of the market are the `management simulation' games, where you get to run a club from top to bottom, pick the team, choose tactics, buy and sell players, fire the groundsman and resign from Barnet to take up the offer of the job as Barcelona manager.
The big three in this area are Championship Manager 2, 1997-98, Premier Manager 1997 and FIFA Soccer Manager, the last of which claims to feature "state-of-the-art artificial intelligence that ensures every tactical decision you make seriously affects the run of play and the match result" of your team. It's far from `state-of-the-art artificial intelligence' football management simulation games most us were reared. No wonder under-12 year-olds think we're stupid.
If you don't fancy the pressures of football management you could try running a Formula One team with Grand Prix Manager 2 - or if you just want to drive go for F1 1997, Touring Cars, F1 Racing Simulation, Toca Touring Car Championship, Motor Racer, Top Gear Rally, Tour Car Championship . . . there's no end to them. While all of these games are for those who take their driving seriously Ignition belongs in an entirely different category. "It takes skill to drive like a nutter," it says on the box. "In an exotic range of vehicles . . . you've got to ram, nudge, barge and otherwise cheat your way to victory. If you spot a sneaky shortcut, then use it - if your opponent's hugging the cliff edge then give him a nudge and a salute as you cruise in to the lead and he cruises in to a deep gorge." Shocking, but great fun.
Actua Golf 2 and PGA 98 are the top two sellers in the golf section this Christmas but, like football and motor racing, there is a huge range of games available, including Arnold Palmer Links, Greg Norman's Ultimate Challenge. (Game manufacturer Total Sports have a three-in-one offer for Christmas - for £34.99 (PC CD) you get FIFA 97, Arnold Palmer Links and Pete Sampras Tennis 97)
There are plenty of American sports' computer games on the market too, with NBA Live 98 (basketball), NHL 98 (ice hockey), NFL Quarterback 98 and Madden NFL 98 (both American football) all highly recommended. Bar Gaelic football and hurling, it's hard to think of a sport that doesn't have a computer game at this stage. (When, oh when is someone going to create a hurling game for the computer?) If football, motor racing and golf don't appeal try Cricket 97, International Rugby League, Virtual Pool, Virtual Snooker, WWF Wrestlemania, Sampras Extreme Tennis, Tennis Arena, Jetski Racing, Virtual Boxing, Jonah Lomu Rugby or Sailing.
If you think you are a budding Aidan O'Brien try Hooves Of Thunder, where you can own your own stable, train Derby winners and win or lose thousands betting on the races. And then there are the fishing games, Out- doors Bass Fishing Tournament III being one of the more popular. If you're tired of catching double pneumonia sitting for hours on a riverbank waiting for a bite then a fishing computer game is the answer to your prayers. Choose your bait, throw your line in to the water and then sit back and wait . . . in the comfort of your home. Hours might pass before a fish arrives on the scene but at least you're dry and warm AND you can watch telly at the same time. These games could signal the end of outdoor fishing as we know it. Fantastic.
(Make sure your computer has the minimum system requirements, i.e. is powerful enough, to run whatever game you buy. If it doesn't it either won't work at all or it will be so slow a round of golf, for example, could take half the day - a bit like Bernard Langer).
Top Ten (all formats)
1, Championship Manager 2 1997-98 (PC CD).
2, International Superstar Soccer (Playstation).
3, Toca Touring Car Championship (Playstation).
4, FIFA 98 (Playstation).
5, Motor Racer (Playstation).
6, Worldwide Soccer 98 (Sega Saturn).
7, Top Gear Rally (Nintendo 64).
8, Mario Kart (Nintendo 64).
9, Ace Combat 2 (Playstation).
10, Tour Car Championship (Saturn).
Chart supplied by Virgin.
Videos: Not nasty
If you're an Arsenal fan it is strongly recommended that you avoid Nick Hancock presents Sporting Disasters (£10.99), one of the festive season's best-selling videos (clue: "Nayim from the halfway line"). Admirers of Michael Atherton might want to avoid this "comic collection of sporting near misses" too (clue: one run short of a glorious century against Australia a certain England captain was run out). There's also that famous missed conversion from under the posts at Wembley in the dying seconds of a rugby league final many years ago. It's all cruel stuff, but highly enjoyable.
Hancock's Football Hell (£17.99) and Alan Hansen's High Wide and Hansen (£13.99) concentrate on hilarious own goals and dodgy goalkeepers, as do the endless range of Danny Baker football videos.
They Think It's All Over: Full Throttle (£15.99) is the latest `never-to-be-seen-on-TV' video from Hancock (again), Rory McGrath, Lee Hurst, Gary Lineker and David Gower while Frank Skinner and David Baddiel's current offering is More Unseen Fantasy Football (£14.99). The film version of Nick Hornby's Fever Pitch (£14.99) is also out in time for Christmas.
Soccer Studs: The Sexiest Clips of the Sexiest Footballers (a snip at £14.99) comes with a "suitable for a 12 and over" rating, so God knows what our favourite footballers are getting up to here. "Join Lee Sharpe in the pool, Ian Wright on a photoshoot and Eric and Ryan at a swanky party," says the cover. If you don't already have a copy now might be the time to invest in Euro '88 or The Road to Italy (both £15.99), just to remind you of happier Irish footballing days. Ronnie Whelan's goal against Russia in Germany back in 1988 should appear in 500 Great Goals (£9.99), a collection of the best goals from around the world. Extensive archival research, no doubt, went in to the production of the Ipswich Town Golden Goals Collection (£12.99) while one suspects Manchester City: The Pain and the Glory (£5.99) features more pain than glory. (Incidentally, the copy of Baptism of Fire: A pictorial view of Bolton Wanderers, spotted on the shelves last Christmas is STILL there - £15.99 and it's yours).
The story of Chelsea's route to the FA Cup final last season can be bought for £14.99 or, for £13.99, you can get The Offi- cial FA Cup History.
Ian Wright's breaking of Cliff Bastin's goalscoring record at Arsenal is celebrated in ReWrighting the Record (£14.99) while, in Captain Fantastic, Tony Adams celebrates holding his right arm up in the air for a whole decade at Highbury. Bergkamp: A Perfect 10 (£11.95) should also be of interest to Arsenal fans, although be warned, it was made in 1995, the year he joined the club.
For £11.99 you can get 300 Liverpool Goals - to think Roy Evans paid about 150,000 times that for Karlheinz Riedle and he can barely get one.
David Beckham: Football Superstar (£13.99) and Alex Ferguson's Ultimate United (£13.99), in which he picks his all time United eleven, are the top selling Manchester United videos this Christmas but, lest ye forget, there's Au Revoir Cantona (£14.99), which features every goal He ever scored for United. It also includes a bonus video, Cantona Speaks means they couldn't get rid of it).
The big selling golf video this Christmas is The Ryder Cup: Europe Reigns In Spain (£15.99), Sky Sports' highlights of the events at Valderrama back in September. Alternatively, if you want a reminder of Tiger Woods' finest hour in 1997, there's the official film of The US Masters (£16.99) or, if you've given up on ever getting your handicap down to single figures, you could invest in How to cheat at Golf (£11.99).
One suspects RTE's The Road to the Final (1997 Gaelic Football, £15.99) will find its way in to a few Christmas stockings down in the Kingdom, and, if the stocking is big enough, Paidi O Se's Ireland (£19.50) might be in there too. Equally, every home in Clare is likely to have at least one copy of The Road to the Final (1997 Hurling, also £15.99) by the time the turkey is consumed. If you're not from Kerry or Clare, and had nothing to celebrate this year, you might want to take a look at the wide range of GAA videos available from RTE (all priced £19.50) and most leading shops. It includes the best of the hurling and football championships from 1988 on, Mayo 1951-89, Decade of the Dubs and, for £9.99, 101 Great Hurling Scores 1993-96.
There's really only one video to get for rugby fans this Christmas and that's Living With The Lions (£16.99 stg, Pearson New Entertainment), described by the Rugby World magazine as the "best video the sport has ever seen". Made by the people who produced the Graham `Do I Not Like That' Taylor documentary for Channel Four's Cutting Edge series a few years' back, it is a two and half hour fly-on-the-wall, behind-the-scenes view of the Lions' triumphant tour of South Africa this summer. Highlights include Keith Wood drinking champagne out of the navel of a team-mate, after the series-clinching victory over the Springboks in Johannesburg, and footage of fluid being drawn from Simon Shaw's cauliflower ear. If you can survive those `highlights' the video provides a fascinating insight into the tour and the various characters that made up the Lions squad.
Des Lynam's boxing video, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (£15.99), featuring Ali, Tyson, Robinson, Marciano, Hagler, Dempsey, is another of the current big sellers along with the film, When We Were Kings (£15.99), the true story of the rumble in the jungle between Muhammad Ali and George Foreman.
The Derby - The Great Races (£14.99) and National Hunt Review 1996-97 (£15.99), which includes highlights of this year's Cheltenham Festival, should satisfy the horse racing fan or, if you want a bit of everything, try The Greatest Moments in Sport (£12.99), which includes highlights from the careers of Carl Lewis, George Best and Mark Spitz, among others.
TOP TEN
1, They Think It's All Over - Full Throttle (£15.99).
2, Nick Hancock's presents Sporting Disasters (£10.99).
3, When We Were Kings (£15.99).
4, Apocalypse Clarkson (£13.99).
5, Fever Pitch (£14.99).
6, Des Lynam's The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (£15.99).
7, High Wide and Hansen (£13.99).
8, Boxing Crazy (£14.99).
9, Ooh Aah Cantona (£12.99).
10, Alistair McGowan: Football (£13.99).
Chart supplied by Virgin.
Merchandise: Razors to shower gel
Football
"We even sell Coventry City razors," revealed Eamonn Creavy of Soccer City, as he explained how huge the football merchandising industry has become. Granted, he admitted he hadn't actually sold one yet but, still, there was a time when only a certain club from the north-west of England would stamp their crest on razors - now they're all at it.
Money boxes, door plaques, lampshades, watches, golf balls, alarm clocks, car tax holders (Liverpool only . . . so far), shower gel, aprons, slippers, pyjamas, pencil cases - whatever you want, there's a good chance you can get it with your club's name on it. For £140 Soccer City will provide you with everything you need to transform your child's bedroom in to a shrine to his or her favourite team - duvet and pillow covers, wallpaper, curtains, floor mats, lamps, everything.
Incidentally, a blow for football-loving women was struck recently when Manchester United produced a three-pack of "Ladies' briefs" (£9.99) - surprisingly there's no red pair in the pack, just black, white and grey, with MUFC printed around the band. Very attractive too.
Banba toy stores and Arnotts stock Paint it Yourself scale models of Old Trafford and Anfield (£24.99) and the Smugs range of `Soccer Star mugs' for £9.99 allows you can drink out of the heads of Ryan Giggs, David Seaman, David Beckham and Alan Shearer.
Corinthian Premier Power Play figures (£6.95) are big sellers this Christmas (Roches Stores, Banba, Dunne Stores). But if you want to spend more (£20) you can get a Unique Power Shoot: Kicking Action player with - get this - interchangeable heads. The only two spotted in the shops were Liverpool's Robbie Fowler (with Dominic Matteo's head to spare) and Manchester United's Ole Gunnar Solskjaer (with Gary Neville as back up). So, when Liverpool sell Fowler to Hartlepool your child can just throw his head in the bin and stick with Matteo. Brilliant.
Soccer Super Heroes (£6.99) are similar to the Power Play figures. However, an error seemed to occur when the David James figure was manufactured because the Liverpool goalkeeper is holding the ball safely in his hands. Despite this, disappointingly, he has not been reduced in price.
The Corinthian FA Premier League collection (smaller three inch high figures) are still going strong at £2.25 each. The manufacturers are doing their best to keep up with the fast-changing world of football - last Christmas Ruud Gullit appeared in a Chelsea kit, this year he's wearing a rather dapper suit. If your granny is a Daniel O'Donnell fan you could buy her the Alex Ferguson figure because it looks a whole lot more like Donegal's pride and joy than the manager of Manchester United. Also spotted in the range was Belgium's Luis Oliveira, who scored against Ireland in the second leg of the World Cup play-off - one could perhaps buy the figure and use it as turkey stuffing.
Formula One
Formula One merchandise may not quite rival its football equivalent in popularity just yet but on the evidence of the number of speciality shops springing up in the past year it can certainly be regarded as a `growth industry'.
F1 Pit Stop has branches in Belfast and Dublin and there are plans for a least two more in other Irish cities in the coming year. The shops stock a huge range of Formula One products but it is their Ferrari and Jordan range that top their sales.
The Ferrari range includes T-shirts (£17.99), polo shirts (£29.99), baseball caps (£14.99), polar fleeces (£74.99), long-sleeved shirts (£49.00), baseball jackets (£129.99) and rugby shirts (£59.99). Jordan has much the same products on offer, as well as keyrings (£7.99), a Team Jordan flag (£18.99), umbrellas (£39.99), beach towels (£21.99) and ceramic mugs (£7.99).
Ferrari's Michael Schumacher is the most popular driver in the F1 Pit Stop shops, with his own range of merchandise that includes his Dekra cap (£14.99), a team jacket with Schumacher's name (£114.99) and, oddly enough, a V-neck poncho shirt (£21.99).
Jacques Villeneuve, apparently, sold nothing . . . until he dyed his hair white. At that point, according to F1 Pit Stop, they could hardly keep with the demand from women for Villeneuve T-shirts and photos. If you have £800 to spend and have always wanted a bit of a Formula One car, you can buy the nose of a Jordan (the money goes to charity), which crashed at some point. For considerably less you can have nuts and bolts and brake pads and lots of other bits of cars that came a cropper. Minature helmets (Schumacher, Senna, Hill, Panis, Frentzen, Barrichello, Villeneuve and Irvine) are on sale at £9.99 but if you want a model of a Jordan car (£38.99) you will have to join a waiting list that currently numbers 50. The shops also stocks a large range of videos (at £14.99 each) with reviews of each F1 season since 1981. Replica Kits: Something new. . . something oldThe replica kit business carries on booming. The prices of football jerseys range from £29 to £45 and the same teams - Manchester United, Celtic, Liverpool, Arsenal - top the best sellers' list around the country. An alarming upsurge in the sale of Chelsea shirts this year is reported around the shops while Manchester City are also going well, purely because their kit is now made by Kappa, the trendiest of all kit manufacturers (they also make the Barcelona and Juventus kits). League of Ireland clubs are also selling a lot more jerseys this year, partly, according to Soccer City, because the design and quality of the shirts has improved and, on the whole, they are u10 cheaper than most foreign jerseys (with the exception of Shamrock Rovers who are sponsored by Umbro).
The orange Irish away shirt has, by all accounts, been a 'disaster' this year but, one retailer confessed, many tourists who were customers during the summer, were convinced that the orange shirt was the one to have and so, unlike most of the native football fans, bought one. Greek visitors might be puzzled when they spot a few locals sporting Panathinaikos shirts. Soccer City's Eamonn Creavy explained that the club was founded in 1908 by Irish Christian Brothers, hence the shamrock crest on the jersey, hence the interest shown in Panathinaikos, by Celtic fans in particular.
The Toffs (The Old Fashioned Football Shirt) range is still selling well and now covers almost every English club and many European and international teams. The Toffs are exact replicas, down to the weight of cotton and stitching, of club shirts going back as far as 1892 - if you felt the weight of the Bishop Auckland (u42.99) shirt you'd wonder how the players could move at all.
Lifestyle, Arnotts and Clerys stock a large range of rugby jerseys, with the Irish, New Zealand and Australian shirts (u19.95) the most popular. Arnotts and Clerys also sell GAA shirts, which are becoming more popular by the year - Arnotts now have the new Dublin kit in stock.
Toys
Football games and motor racing sets are the best sellers in the limited sportsrelated toy market this Christmas. In the football range Subbuteo (u28) and Pro Action (u30) come out on top, with a large supply of accessories available for both games.
There are a few table football games on the market too, including Wembley Football (for six years and up), on sale at u49.99, Team Football at u20.95 and Tomy Power Soccer (u52.95).
Hornby, Tomy and Tyco lead the field in motor racing sets - Formula One Scalextric (u99.95), Jaguar Challenge Scalextric (u90), Escort Rally Scalextric (u64), Tomy Giant Raceway (u80) and Tyco Formula Grand Prix (u75) are some of the more popular sets (the more you pay, the more track and accessories you get). If your one-year-old wants something more like the 'real thing', short of buying a Formula One car you could get the plastic F1 Williams (u19.95) or a motorbike (u29.95). Only trouble is neither comes with an engine, just pedals.
Desks or tables that can be used for a number of sporting 'activities' can be found in most shops this Christmas. Banba stock the Monneret 5 in 1 table (table tennis, table football, pool, table top hockey and a study desk - yuck) for u88.50 and the similar Championship Table (6 in 1) for u129.99 while Roches Stores have the 10 in one Championship Table reduced to u115.
Alternatively there are toy pool and snooker tables available in most toy shops Champion Pool (u69.99) and Top Break (u59.99) or if Junior is a budding Frankie Dettori and you've won the lottery you could buy a rocking horse in Banba for either u300 or u400, depending on Junior's size. Last Christmas rollerblades (around u30) were the big craze - they're still popular but they're now joined by the skateboard-like Syde Winder (Dunne Stores, u14.99). Dunnes sell six piece protective sets for u14.99 and helmets from u7.99.
The motorised miniature golf game, otherwise known as Alligator Golf (u22.95) can be found in most leading toy stores - putt the ball in to the alligator's mouth and he'll flip the ball out before going in to a spin. (You can always remove the batteries on Christmas Day if it gets to you after a while).
The GearNike remains the most popular brand name in sports clothing and footwear, for both adults and children. Adidas, Reebok and Puma are the main challengers but Kickers, Kappa and Ellesse have also had a good year in the leisure wear market.The price range in footwear, whether it be fitness, running or cross-country shoes, trainers, basketball or football boots, golf shoes or hill-walking boots, is as wide as the range of goods on offer. Among Arnotts' top selling sportswear this year is aerobic clothing and running gear (again, with a huge price range) while fleece jackets and golfwear are also popular.David Beckham: Football Superstar (£13.99) and Alex Ferguson's Ultimate United (£13.99), in which he picks his all time United eleven, are the top selling Manchester United videos this Christmas but, lest ye forget, there's Au Revoir Cantona (£14.99), which features every goal He ever scored for United. It also includes a bonus video, Cantona Speaks (means they couldn't get rid of it).Golf clubs, pitch and putt sets, tennis and squash rackets, snooker cues and rollerblades are among the top-selling sports equipment at this time of the year. And, again, the price range in every category is huge.For children, Mookie Sport and Pro-Shot have a range of reasonably priced, but fairly basic, sports equipment that includes table tennis sets, footballs, rugby balls and basketballs. Mookie also sell a Garden Games set (£14.99) for net games (badminton, volleyball, etc) and football goals (Tournament Soc- cer Goal, £27).For adults, there is a choice of exercise equipment. Arnotts report big sales of Slendertone Gymbody and exercise bikes while Lifestyle can hardly keep up with the demand for the Health Walker (£179). This contraption comes with a recommendation from Eamonn Coughlan who claims it is "like walking on air". The York Fitness range (handgrips, dumbbells, wrist and ankle weights) allows you to exercise while remaining slouched in your armchair watching television, which sounds a nicer way of getting into shape.What you might be interested in most, however, is the AbMax (Lifestyle, £34.95) which promises "a firm, sexy stomach" if you use it five minutes a day, three times a week. "All gain, no pain," says the ad for this machine and, true enough, the grinning (and skinny) female model on the cover of the box appears to be suffering no pain at all as she works out. The cover also features a perfectly formed (and smouldering) male model so, if you stick to your 1998 resolutions, you too could look like a member of the Baywatch cast. Good luck.
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