Jack on form as Telly Tubby puts Lawro under pressure

TV View/Mary Hannigan: It can't have been an easy decision for Jack Charlton. Would he go on The Late Late Show or The Dunphy Show on Friday night to promote a low-fat spread, enriched with plant sterols which have been clinically proven to lower cholesterol (much like Jack was clinically proven to lower fast-approaching centre forwards in his playing days)?

It was, perhaps, the trickiest selection dilemma he'd faced since first opting for Mick McCarthy over David O'Leary in the centre of his Irish defence, but Jack has never shied away from making tough decisions.

So, even though he might have been loathe to offend Eamon, he opted for Pat: less flair, maybe, but probably more dependable, with a more even temperament.

So, The Late Late Show it was. The good news, we learned, is that Jack's cholesterol levels have dropped by 11 per cent. He put this down to using his low-fat spread, but it could just be that he's not eating Irish football reporters for breakfast any more, thus eliminating the highest source of fat content from his diet.

Jack was in fine form, berating the number of foreign footballers in the English game, but resisted tucking into his favourite theme: the disgrace that was Sven-Goran Eriksson's appointment as English coach.

And you have to concede, it's a reasonable point - who could argue that it's absurd that any man be given the job of managing a country other than the one of his birth?

It was, though, when Pat asked Jack about the "modern" game that he became seriously animated. Infuriated, even. Forefinger jabbing the air in frustration. It was the ghost of Jack past.

"The goalkeeper gives the ball to the centre back who knocks it to the left back who knocks it to the winger who knocks it back to the midfield player who knocks it back to the centre back who gives it to the other centre back who gives it to the full back who knocks it to the outside right who knocks it to the centre midfield player again, and gradually they're approaching the halfway line where it gets a bit tight, then somebody gets closed down quickly so they knock it back to the goalkeeper who humps it up the park. And you say: 'well, why didn't you do that in the first place?'"

In other words: Jack reckons Wenger doesn't know his Arsene from his elbow. Yes, he might have won a trophy or two, but it's all been too pretty. This is a game for sweat and toil, leave artistry and girly stuff to the ice-skaters.

Although, hardly had Jack his breath back, when he complained to Pat that people always incorrectly accused him of favouring the long-ball game. True, he didn't quite advocate "pass and move", but there was nothing unsophisticated or unscientific about "Packie and hoof".

Pat didn't argue, Eamon would have said "go 'way and s***e".

While Jack looked in fine fettle the same couldn't be said for the BBC Football Team that ran in yesterday's Great North Run.

Let's just say, by the time Paula Radcliffe and Sonia O'Sullivan were showered, changed and on flights out of Newcastle Mark Lawrenson was still jogging alongside runners dressed as teapots and pints of Guinness at the back end of the field.

"He's had a shocker," as Steve Cram put it.

Ray Stubbs had lost contact with Lawrenson when the latter "stopped for a pee" after three miles.

"He was in danger of getting arrested," said Stubbsie, explaining why he'd legged it.

Meanwhile, further up the road, John Motson was being tracked by a BBC computery thingamajig, a little flashing football representing his progress on a map of the course.

"Can you keep the tracking device on my husband so I know where he is all week," read the on-screen message, sent in by a Mrs Motson, after we saw the flashing football appear to veer off the course and into The Dog and Duck for a swift half.

When Motty's football started moving again on the map Cram noted that "he's flashing along John Reid Road", which was as unpleasant an image (sheepskin coat and all) as one could have been served on a Sunday morning.

Motty made it, though.

"I did 1.52 last year and hoped to beat two hours again this year but if Brendan (Foster) did 1.39 he's beaten the BBC record because seven years ago I did 1.40," he wheezed, suggesting that he might be into statistics.

Meanwhile, Lawro was being overtaken by a one-legged Telly Tubby with cramp.

The Telly Tubby closed 'im down and put 'im under pressure, and Lawro wilted. And with that the Telly Tubby replaced Lawro in Jack's all-time XI.