Hookie gets stuck in as Ronnie loses his religion

TV View: It probably wasn't until Saturday night, when he got home and played back the video, that George Hook actually saw Ireland's 55-6 win over the USA.

Anyone who has ever had a close-up look at the RTÉ commentary box in Lansdowne Road and observed its dimensions will know it's a place where an undernourished gnat would feel a little compressed. And God love him if he ever attempted to spread his wings. George has been called many things in his time but never, we suspect, an undernourished gnat.

"The ceiling is five feet off the ground and I'm teeeeeerrified of concussion," he said to George Hamilton after Tom McGurk had handed over to the two Georges for the game.

"George Maximus and George Minimus," as Tom described the pair who, for all the world, resembled Statler and Waldorf.

Tom was chuckling, as were Brent Pope and Conor O'Shea, upon seeing Maximus pleated like an accordion in the commentary box, his feet, belly button and head all roughly at the same level. It was the only way he would fit.

Only RTÉ can say why they chose to do this to George, but as of last night they weren't answering their phones, perhaps too busy assisting Dublin Fire Brigade in its attempts to cut him out of the commentary box.

If they failed he will still be there when the Irish football team play Portugal in February, when loosehead prop Damien Duff will come face to face with hooker Ronaldo.

"Maaaarvellous," George will say of the contest, while Jim Beglin, sitting on his lap, will busy himself just looking a little bewildered by it all.

But if George was unable to see Saturday's game he shouldn't be too concerned: it didn't merit a letter home. Nor, indeed, did many of the endless string of live football games over the weekend. Rangers v Celtic, for example, on Setanta degenerated in to a spite-fest, ugly, miserable stuff.

"It's almost unrefereeable, this match," said presenter Rob MacLean. If he'd left out the "almost" he'd have been spot on.

Spare a thought for Setanta panellist Walter Smith. He is, apparently, the Scottish manager-elect. How many of the 22 players on show were Scottish? Two. It was hardly, then, a useful scouting mission; he'd have been better off going to see Gretna v Albion Rovers. The football would probably have been better too.

The climax of the Irish season on Friday night was somewhat more tranquil, with celebrating Shelbourne chief executive Ollie Byrne even finding time to pay tribute to Bohemians ("If you're a small club you've a small mind").

Not much love lost at the Nou Camp either on Saturday night, where Barcelona met their old buddies Real Madrid. "Three World Players of the Year, four European Players of the Year, five World Cup winners and the two costliest players in the world," said Sky Sports presenter Rob Wooton of the cast on view.

Promising. But in the end Real played with all the passion of a gnat so undernourished it could be classified as dead. "They were like chickens with their heads cut off," as studio guest John Toshack put it. But, Ronaldinho? Ah, you'd pay to view that fella tying up his bootlaces.

The Ronaldinho of snooker is, of course, Ronnie-dinho O'Sullivan, who has been the source of one of the great sporting mysteries of modern times: did he or did he not convert to Islam? Last year his mentor, Khalid Yassin, said he did, but Ronnie didn't seem too sure. Puzzling. How could you not be sure about stuff like this?

Well, it seems Ronnie paid a visit to London's Islamic Cultural Centre and he thought the people there were "just saying hello" when, in fact, they were guiding him through Shahadah, the declaration of faith that invites you to declare that there is one Supreme Being and that Muhammad is His messenger.

So, Ronnie might actually be a Muslim, if only accidentally. Frank Skinner, on his Friday night ITV show, attempted to get to the bottom of Ronnie's current religious status.

"There's been a lot of stuff in the papers about you being on a spiritual journey," he said to the cue maestro.

"Yeah, I've been searching," said Ronnie.

"Did you find anything?"

"Na," said Ronnie, "I'm fed up. I've looked and looked and looked and looked and looked and now I'm just sort of, like, 'go with it', 'enjoy it', have a laugh if you can. There's nothing to find. I've searched that hard and long and it's like, 'where is it?'."

"Where is it," asked Skinner.

"It ain't nowhere," said Ronnie. Journey over.

"Well," said Skinner, "this is a bit of an exclusive - we'll be emptying the monasteries tonight."