Hockey humours of Harare

Thursday 31st July

Arrive Harare 8.45 a.m. after 10-hour flight from London. Remove knees from under chin. Bid farewell to Zimbabwean farmer ("may your crops perish") whose lager intake during journey necessitated him visiting toilet every 20 minutes (me in aisle seat, him in middle). Disembark. Africa.

Bus awaits to take us to the Bronte Garden Hotel. Mighty fine tune blasts from the radio. "What's that?" "Munditungamirie by Tongai Moyo and Utakataka Express," the courier replies. "Right." Arrive at Bronte but leave hastily after spotting crocodile sitting beside pool. Return when informed it's a wooden sculpture. Sit beside crocodile and marvel at cheap prices on wine list. Order glass . . . of mineral water. This is a working trip after all.

Drop over to Sheraton Hotel, tournament headquarters. Bump into Spanish manager. She's none too happy. Having checked in and unpacked their hockey sticks Spanish squad were asked to leave hotel for a few nights because government wanted their rooms for an Afro-American conference. They stayed in homes of hockey people all over Harare before they were allowed back. Government own shares in Sheraton so hotel manager wasn't in position to tell Robert Mugabe and the visiting Jesse Jackson that it was fully booked.

Senior member of Scottish delegation arrives to check in only to be told they have no room for him. He kicks up a fuss. They give him a room. He opens the door and finds a naked couple in his bed. He returns to reception and kicks up a bigger fuss. They give him an executive suite. It has a mini-bar, two giant televisions, two bathrooms, a lounge and a bed big enough to accommodate the entire Scottish squad (and the naked couple). He's happy. Most of the squads are split up and put in rooms on different floors of the hotel. A spirit of international co-operation takes over and they keep swapping rooms until each floor accommodates one whole squad. Reception isn't informed. Could have resulted in mother of New Zealand goalkeeper, ringing her daughter from Auckland, being put through to Chinese left back.

Friday 1st August

Ireland play India in first match of tournament at the Magamba Hockey Stadium. Less than rousing Danny Boy is our national anthem. Ireland lose 1-0. Learn that custommade hockey sticks of Ireland's Sarah Kelleher never arrived in Harare. Replacements sent by air courier. They don't arrive either. (Look out for baggage handler in either Gatwick or Harare selling custommade hockey sticks).

Saturday 2nd August

Hosts Zimbabwe play their first match. At full-time they receive a standing ovation and team do lap of honour. Captain Wendy Edwards does post-match interview with dashing Des Evans of ZBC1, which showed the match live. "Wendy, were you happy with your performance," asks Des. "Oh yes Des, I was. Our goalie was great - we were happy with the score," says a beaming Wendy. Zimbabwe had lost 9-0. Single figures though, hence the standing ovation. Ireland lose 3-0 to South Africa. Chief architect of defeat is 18-year-old forward Pietie Coetzee. Her trademark `drag-flick' short-corner strike is the talk of tournament. It's so powerful it left large dent in helmet of Kenyan goalkeeper in the Junior Africa Cup last April.

"No one taught me, it's just natural," explains Pietie, daughter of a Free State sheep farmer. But her mother helped nature take its drag-flicking course by bringing her to nearest hockey pitch at 5 a.m. every day to practice. Practice made perfect. "In terms of world hockey she's a real horse," says an impressed Des in his match commentary.

Sunday 3rd August

THE only black faces to be seen at the Magamba Hockey Stadium during the tournament belong to those employed at the ground. Hockey is very definitely white Zimbabwe's sport. Five hundred yards across the road is the home of black Zimbabwe's greatest passion: soccer. Today the 80,000 capacity National Sports Stadium stages the meeting between Harare's most popular club, Dynamos, and local rivals Black Aces, Zimbabwe's only professional football team. The only white faces in the stadium belong to two football-starved Irish visitors. We're put in the VIP section - carpet under our feet and armchairs for seats. Bit like Dalymount.

Teams come out and kneel down on goalline to pray. ("Jesus, the Irish hockey team should try that," says my companion.) Star of game is Dynamos' Tauya `Flying Doctor' Murehwa, part-time footballer, fully qualified doctor and a god to his fans. You can see why. Spends the game turning opponents inside out, upside down and outside in. His team-mates love him too. His goals often help them collect their win bonus of £11 a man. The average wage in Zimbabwe is £30 a month. £11 a match for part-time footballers puts them in the wealthy league. Match ends 1-1.

Monday 4th August

"Massacre at Magamba," screams the back-page headline in the local newspaper, The Herald, in reference to Zimbabwe's 11-0 defeat on Saturday to China.

Tuesday 5th August

Collin Matiza, the man covering the tournament for The Herald, is confronted by angry Zimbabwean coach Gavin Parker. Parker tries to have Matiza thrown out of the stadium because he doesn't like his criticism of team. "Continue writing about your football, you know nothing about hockey. After the tournament the girls will have learnt a lot. But you? You will have learnt nothing," he screams at the reporter after failing to have him ejected. Later that day Zimbabwe lose 80 to Russia. Another standing ovation.

Wednesday 6th August

Huge excitement at hotel on Wednesday morning. A cloud is spotted in the sky. Ran for camera but on return cloud was gone. It would be Saturday before we'd see another. Ireland play Canada. First point of the tournament after 1-1 draw.

Thursday 7th August

Bump into South Africa's Caryn Bentley in the hospitality tent. Next month the 22-yearold from Natal will become the first professional woman hockey player in Ireland when she joins Coleraine. She will receive a reported £50 a match. Her boyfriend Alan Kelly, who plays with Antrim, arranged the move. "What are Coleraine like," she asks. Gulp. How do we tell her? "They conceded 100 goals and scored five last season - they're kind of the Zimbabwe of Ulster women's hockey," we explain. "Oh," says Caryn who may now end her relationship with Alan.

Friday 8th August

Ireland play Japan. Two-nil down and win 3-2. Mineral water all round that night.

Saturday 9th August

Rest day. Visit Mwanga Game Park, half an hour from Harare. Heaven on earth. Activity number one: elephant riding. "Yeah, I'm game for that." Join queue and wait for cute little Dumbo to arrive. "Here he comes." Cute little Dumbo turns out to be size of 20storey building with all lumpy things hanging out of him. Leave queue. Sunbathe while others complete ride.

Activity number two: paddle a canoe across a large lake. "There aren't any crocodiles in that lake are there, ho, ho, hee, hee," the giggling Irish crew ask. "Just one," says our guide. "Sorry?" "Just one, to keep the fish stock down - but he's not big, only about this size." (She stretches arms out to 1,000-foot span).

Shaking Irish crew board canoe. Too busy looking over side for crocodile to notice we're all paddling on left-hand side. Hence we go round in circles, clockwise, for the first 10 minutes. New strategy (forward movement) required. We all paddle on right-hand side. We go round in circles, anti-clockwise, for next 10 minutes. Three elephants watch us from hill. "Huh, tourists," says the expression on their faces. Scraping noise on bottom of canoe. "JEEEEESUS - CROCODIIIIIIIIILE," screams crew. It's only a branch. Make it to shore 40 minutes later. Hug, kiss, cry, bawl, tell each other how much we love each other.

Sunday 10TH August

Ireland lose to China and miss out on qualification for World Cup. "Who'd want to go to bleedin' Utrecht anyway after spending time in Zimbabwe," the Irish argue with grinning English colleagues.

Monday 11TH August

RING home. Get latest football results. "That'll be £50 please," says receptionist, who belatedly mentions 33 per cent surcharge added by hotel to phone call prices. Bitterly hand over a wheelbarrow load of Zimbabwean dollars. Just as well football results were good.

Tuesday 12th August

Ireland play final match against Russia. Lose 4-2. Final, between South Africa and New Zealand, starts at 5.30. We have to be in airport at 7.15. "Wouldn't it be awful if something happened to delay the final," we say. Eighteen minutes into the second half the electricity goes in the stadium. Twentytwo hockey players spend 10 minutes looking for their respective benches. But we have to leave.

Arrive Dublin. Muggy, rainy, plonk £4.99 a bottle. Switch on Munditungamirie by Tongai Moyo and Utakataka Express on walkman. Close eyes and dream of Zimbabwe.