Hide the tinnies

"One of the biggest names in the world game is coming to play for the Western Australian State champions! How big is this for Australian soccer?" gushed Joondalup City supremo Paul Simmons last week when it was announced that Paul Gascoigne might be joining his club, thus boosting their hopes of increasing their average home attendance of 300.

We think it was a rhetorical question, so we won't answer it, but we're very tempted. Instead we'll leave it to two Norwegian managers to express their opinions on the only professional footballer who makes us look fit. Asked if he'd be interested in signing Gascoigne, Rosenborg's Nils Arne Eggen said, "No way, I would recommend that he goes somewhere near our alcoholism clinics instead - and you can quote me on that." Viking boss Benny Lennartsson? "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha - that's my answer." Don't know about you, but we took that as a no.