Mary Hannigan's Planet Football: We liked the snippet from Jimmy Greaves' autobiography, The Heart of the Game, mentioned in the Telegraph last week. Greaves recalled the time he lined up beside hard nut Tommy Smith in the tunnel at Anfield in the 1960s before a game. Smith grinned at Greaves and handed him a piece of paper. "It was," he said, "the evening menu for Liverpool Royal Infirmary." Boom, boom.
That's luck for you
Those of you familiar with events in the Toolstation Western League Division One in England's West Country will know that, despite being a supporter for over 40 years, Bill Potter was kicked off the board of Combe Martin FC after a bitter dispute.
Grand. Except Bill's just won the lottery - £11.7 million to be exact - and intends to invest some of the loot in . . . Combe Martin's rivals, Ilfracombe Town FC. Bummer, eh?
Quotes of the week
"We, the little Swiss, are not going to get gobbled up easily. We don't even want to think about finishing second, we are only aiming at the top spot."
- Switzerland's Ludovic Magnin, determined not to make a meal of it at Lansdowne on Wednesday.
"There is a huge responsibility on all of us to get England through. It would be one of the biggest disasters in sports history if we blew it and we must make sure it does not happen."
- Rio Ferdinand, a man not prone to hyperbole, at all, at all.
"He's obviously really tall."
- Michael Owen pays tribute to his England attacking partner Peter Crouch.
"In my view, when dealing with six-foot four-inch players, and more, they don't reach their peak until they're 26, 27."
- Graham Taylor explains that Crouch still has some growing to do.
"If he doesn't get us through these two games and to the World Cup, we shouldn't just sack him, we should take him to the Tower and be off with his head."
- Mick Channon, trying to keep the pressure off Sven before the Austria game.
Phelan frequent flyer
There've been plenty of widely travelled former Irish internationals over the years, with a few of them travelling the globe in search of post-football-career jobs. Terry Phelan, though, has worked up more air miles than most. He spent the last couple of years in America, where he played for Charleston Battery in the A-League, before running soccer academies. Now? He's off to New Zealand, where he has been appointed player-coach of Otago United.
"I've never been a person who turns a challenge down," he said, "so I thought why not, as long as the ball doesn't turn into an oval one. I'm not going to be a messiah or superstar or anything. I'm just going there to play football and help the lads to win games."
If he's a success, he might be in the running for the Irish job yet.
A thong in his heart
Unwisest revelation of the season? Over to you, Paul Hartley of Hearts: "I prefer to wear a thong under my shorts for comfort, and pink is the in colour at the moment."
Hearts are away to Celtic next. Good luck, Paul.
More quotes
"We have lost three games so far this season 1-0, whereas last year we were winning them 1-0. Maybe that is the difference."
- No flies on David Moyes.
"Spurs fans have been frustrated for so many years. Hopefully one day we can return to the top. Arsenal, Chelsea, why not Spurs one day? Maybe in three years' time Spurs will have the players like Chelsea have now."
- David Ginola, still cracking jokes after all these years.
"They have a problem in the head and if they sorted that out then they would play much better football."
- Austria's Martin Stranzl diagnoses England's difficulties.
"I've hit rock bottom. If I continue playing as I have been recently, it will be like 10 against 11. I'm in a dreadful rut and my confidence is zero. It makes me angry and sad to say it, but Alexander Frei is no threat to France on this form."
- Is Frei lacking a bit of confidence this weather, d'you think?
"Mourinho is a myth. All men have a myth inside them, like a diamond. But that diamond comes in a rough form and needs to be polished, and that is what Mourinho is doing."
- Portuguese sculptor Jose Coelho on the other Jose. Coelho has produced a replica of Mourinho's famous overcoat, in "metal and textile"; it will go on show at Lisbon's Fashion and Clothing Museum later this year in an exhibition entitled "Profane View of the Seven Senses". Right.
Not unique to Alex
It was a mixed week for Alex Ferguson. On the one hand, from his point of view, at least none of his players helped England qualify for the World Cup: Saturday was the first time since losing to Germany in the Euro '96 semi-finals that an England starting line-up didn't contain a single Manchester United player. But on the other, Judge Charles Hamilton ruled that his name was "devoid of any distinctive character". Harsh.
Ferguson, of course, was attempting to make his name a trademark so that he could have exclusive rights to use his full name on goods and services, such as posters and stickers. "The name Alex Ferguson is not an unusual way of describing the applicant's goods," said the judge, who'd probably never heard of our Alex.
Jose Mourinho is attempting to go down a similar route, with Chelsea applying to register his name with the UK Patent Office. A Chelsea spokesman told the BBC that they listed as many products as they could think of in their application, "including lipstick, cigarette holders, handbags, dresses, nappies and romper suits". The mind boggles.
Spot the difference
"It's possible that things are going to happen next summer, but that's all I will say for the moment. Ruud does wish to play in Spain. It is not a case of 'must', more an urge. When he has the chance, he could move there. And I would love to see him play his football there, too."
Ruud van Nistelrooy's agent Rodger Linse speaking on Monday. See below.
"Ruud is happy at Manchester United. As a matter of fact he is in the process of buying a house in Manchester. Why would he buy a house if he wants to leave the club? It is just ridiculous. Every year it is the same thing with rumours of Ruud leaving. This story is incorrect."
Ruud van Nistelrooy's agent Rodger Linse speaking on Tuesday. See above.
