Gooch Almighty stops Brolly making a holy show of himself

TV VIEW: IT WAS the Speed 3episode of Fr Tedwhen Fr Dougal, doing a nixer as the Craggy Island milkman, discovered his milk float had a bomb on board, one that would detonate if his speed dropped below four miles per hour.

"Is there anything to be said for saying another Mass?" asked Fr Derek, when they ran out of ideas on how to stop the thing blowing up.

Joe Brolly thought of Fr Dougal's predicament yesterday when, at half-time, he attempted to analyse Cork's first-half performance against Kerry.

Having decided they were "woeful", "clueless" and "totally second-rate", he reckoned they were a bit up against it, and that Fr Derek should be putting in an appearance in the Cork dressing-room at half-time.

"'Is there anything to be said for saying another Mass?' he'd ask the players, and they'd probably have replied: 'Fire away'."

Not a prayer, then, although Michael Lyster wasn't as downbeat, not least because Daniel Goulding had got that goal for Cork with the last kick of the half.

"Every time you say the last prayers for Cork they sit up in the coffin again," he said.

"They need more than God, Michael," said Joe. "Nothing short of a miracle is needed here."

The religious theme ran through the day's proceedings, Joe and Colm O'Rourke suspecting only divine intervention had kept Cork in the Championship until now.

Indeed, they seemed to feel the Third Secret of Fatima - well, before it was revealed - was less mysterious than the enigma that was Cork's avoidance of defeat thus far.

"If Cork get to the final this year they should play it in Lourdes after what happened last weekend," said Colm. "Who'll win?" asked Michael. "Well, unless God really is on Cork's side . . ." said Joe, leaving no real need to complete the sentence.

"God Almighty," went up the cry in living-rooms from Castletownbere to Youghal, from Charleville to Clonakilty, from Ballycotton to Bantry, and Blarney to Ballydehob. With Wexford already ruled out, Brolly and O'Rourke are running out of counties to holiday in.

But when Pearse O'Neill got that goal seven minutes from time it looked like we were witnessing yet another resurrection, and when Cork levelled the scores two minutes later you had to assume the lads back in the studio responded thus: "Well, Holy God."

Two years ago a headline in The Kingdomread: "Is God a Kerryman?" The author answered in the affirmative. The god in question ended hopes in Charleville, Clonakilty, Ballycotton, Bantry, Blarney and Ballydehob that Brolly and O'Rourke would end up looking like right eejits yesterday.

The Kingdom's god, need it be said, was - and remains - Gooch Cooper.

"Kerry have been able to ride the storm, a storm that was more like Hurricane Gustav," said Ger Canning, who reminded "certain" people that Cork weren't half bad after all.

Back in the studio the certain people were panting a bit, perhaps tempted to genuflect at the feet of Cooper for saving them from punditry damnation.

Damnation, incidentally, is kind of what we detected Colin Montgomerie was wishing on Ian Poulter last week when the club-swingers got a bit cranky with each other as we edged ever closer to D-Day - Nick Faldo's wild-card picks for the Ryder Cup.

The Monty man was popping up every five minutes on Sky Sports News to share his thoughts on Faldo's dilemma, "Pick ME, pick ME" being the gist of his message. Poulter, of course, suggested that Monty mind his own business when the Scot claimed the Englishman had a "hot line" to Faldo.

"Oh well, it's nice to be told what to do by one so young and so inexperienced," said Monty, reminding us all why he's so universally loved.

Yesterday, then, was D-Day, the press conference live on Sky Sports 3. The wild card picks? Monty's friend Poulter and Paul Casey. And no Darren Clarke.

"Ian hasn't managed a round of 67 since January - what was it that made you think he was a better pick than Darren," asked a hardy soul in the audience.

"Well . . ." said Faldo, who confirmed Monty's suspicions when he revealed: "I get on well with Ian."

"I can feel for Monty," he said, without actually confirming what he felt for him, revealing that he'd attempted to contact him to give him the bad news.

"But I only managed to leave a voice message for him - he was watching football or shopping," he said.

Probably watching Cork v Kerry, concluding when he picked up that message that Faldo was a "woeful", "clueless" and "totally second-rate" Ryder Cup captain. Europe's chances without him?

"Is there anything to be said for saying another Mass?" he'd probably ask.

"Having decided they were 'woeful', 'clueless' and 'totally second-rate', he (Joe Brolly) reckoned they were a bit up against it, and that Fr Derek should be putting in an appearance in the Cork dressing-room at half-time. 'Is there anything to be said for saying another Mass?' he'd ask the players, and they'd probably have replied: 'Fire away.'