Glasses are half-empty all round

ON THE COUCH:Late comeback can't disguise the misery of what had passed before as Gilesy sees Wimbledon in disguise, writes MARY HANNIGAN

WATCHING Armenia v Slovakia on Setanta on a Friday afternoon might, possibly, be an indication that you need to get out more, but if you’re going to qualify for Euro 2012 it can’t all be glamour, there’ll be days when you just have to put in an honest shift.

Which is what Curtis Fleming did yesterday, on duty with Paul Dempsey in the Setanta studio, and while he meant no offence at all to his Slovak friends he was well and truly chuffed to see them stuffed in Yerevan.

The group table, then, had a positively ravishing look about it, you could almost smell Poland and Ukraine, so to speak, but while Curtis was chirpily buoyant as he looked ahead to the game against Russia, Paul was Debbie Downer.

“Too negative,” he said of Giovanni Trapattoni’s tactics. In light of the fact Ireland had won the opening two games in the group and sat on top of the table, Curtis felt this was assessment was a bit on the gloomy side, “Results always mask everything, Paul,” he said.

Undeterred, Paul ploughed on. “Where does the manager stand right now? If the style remains the same over the next few critical fixtures will there be those who’ll say the jig is up, this is €2 million a year plus, what are we actually getting for it?”

“Well, I’m always a glass half-full man,” said Curtis, an upbeat feeling shared over on RTÉ by Bill O’Herlihy whose half-full glass was overflowing.

“A sensational result,” he beamed as he shared the news with those who hadn’t spent their Friday afternoon watching Armenia v Slovakia on Setanta.

Trapattoni, according to Tony O’Donoghue, was no less elated, telling us he’d just been “poked in the ribs a couple of times” by the manager, the Italian telling him: “You must understand, every team is strong!”

So, then, the mood was good, only Eamon Dunphy making us fret.

“I hope to God Arshavin doesn’t switch sides and attack Kilbane,” he said, wiping the beam from Bill’s face.

Over to George Hamilton and Ronnie Whelan. “The Dutch referee is from a town famous for its cheese,” George told us. Easi Single? Ah, no, Gouda.

Off we went. Bright and breezy start. Looking good. But wait. “Plan B is gone out the window,” sighed George after the second goal went in.

“Do we have another plan?” asked Ronnie. George didn’t answer.

Half-time and you half wondered if the RTÉ studio would be empty, the lads, unable to take much more. Fair play, though, they were still there.

“What a bummer,” sighed Bill, his dejection having him slumped so low in his chair he almost disappeared from view. “Outclassed completely,” he said.

Giles couldn’t disagree, but promised Bill, “things can change in the second half”. So Bill sat up straight again.

Off again. George was astounded to report the Russians were high-fiving each other on the way out to the pitch “as if they have won the game”.

“Hopefully they think that way, it’s not over yet for the Irish lads,” said Ronnie.

Five minutes later it was. Surely.

Hold on. Penalty, Yuri Zhirkov nearly bludgeoning Robbie Keane to death in the box. Well, okay, he might, just possibly, have clipped his heel. Goal.

And then . . . Good heavens. “IT NEVER SURPRISES ME THIS GAME!,” howled Ronnie, Shane Long’s goal leaving him tongue-tied and befuddled.

That was that, though.

“Who would have believed it, what a comeback!” said a nonetheless impressed Bill. “Over the 90 minutes I thought it was awful,” said a less cheerful Giles. “Why not go the whole hog and do what Wimbledon did 15 years ago?”

That was the consensus – caveman, route one Neanderthal football was our downfall. Bill wondered if replacing Paul Green with Darron Gibson from here on in might help.

Dunphy had his doubts. “I think Gibson is hopeless, I can’t emphasise how bad he is, he’s brain dead.” “That’s very harsh, Eamon,” said Bill. “And Green should not play again for Ireland in a top match,” added Dunphy.

Paul Dempsey would have felt at home in the RTÉ studio, half-empty glasses everywhere. The next programme on RTÉ 2? Mission: Impossible. Uh oh.