Four legs good, two legs ...

TV View Mary HanniganThe headlines on Aertel's Olympic news section these days are kind of telling the story.

Not good news for Ireland . 702

Bad news for Ireland .. 703

Very bad news for Ireland .... 704

Very, very bad news for Ireland ... 705

Bloody awful news for Ireland ... 706

Well feck this for a lark ........................ 708

Then you turn to page 778 to check the medal table and there we aren't. And there they are: Mongolia. Tsagaanbaatar Khashbaatar, to be precise, with a bronze in judo.

Frenzied celebrations in Tsagaanbaatar's home place? Well, no. There wasn't even a mention of him when we paid a visit to the Mongolian National News Agency website, as we often do, the big story - and trust us, we're not making this up - was about the fact that there is only one exclamation mark in the new Mongolian constitution.

If Tsagaanbaatar was Irish, of course, he'd have the entire contents of Dáil Éireann waiting for him at Dublin Airport and we'd already be lining the route to the Mansion House, armed with our green, white and gold inflatable hammers.

The thing is, though, as the chef d'equipe of the Irish equestrian team, Helen Cantillon O'Keeffe, pointed out to Ryle Nugent on Thursday night, Ireland HAVE won medals at these Games. Gold and silver no less. But, because our heroes have eight legs between them we are somehow reluctant as a nation to embrace them and celebrate their success.

Ringwood Cockatoo mightn't sound like a Monaghan name but he's a Carrickmacross man, only moving to Germany to get work first on the building sites, then with the German equestrian team. He teamed up with Bettina Hoy and before you could say "neigh" he'd won gold with her in the eventing competition thingie in Athens.

Kilkee, Co Clare, will hope a challenge to Ringwood Cockatoo's gold will succeed at the Court of Arbitration for Sport (apparently he crossed the start line twice when once would have been plenty) because that will mean one of their own sons, Shear L'eau (now representing Britain - a kind of Jonathan Macken in reverse), will take gold instead of silver.

So, we ARE actually doing quite well, it's just the two-legged Irish athletes who are struggling. Walker Robert Heffernan, for example, ran instead of walked and was disqualified, while RTÉ pundit Jerry Kiernan as good as implied that runner James Nolan walked instead of ran in his 1,500 metres heat. "I'm not sanguine about his chances," Kiernan had told Billo Herlihy before the race, revealing he had watched Nolan train in Belfield and, "quite frankly he's become a bit of a dilettante". Cripes.

"He ran his fastest time of the year in Houston, but still finished last of 14," he added, information that took the wind out of our green, white and gold inflatable hammers.

When Nolan finished eighth in his heat and told Nugent he had a bit of an injury Kiernan dismissed it as an excuse. "His work ethic just isn't strong enough at this level," he told Billo after being told there had been complaints about his "less than generous" comments about the runner.

This is where it got really confusing. Aertel headline: "Nolan Out As El Guerrouj Shows Form". Meanwhile, Billo was telling Kiernan the dilettante was through to the semi-finals.

Granted, Aertel has now reached the stage where, a bit like ourselves, it is assuming the worst. But, 30 minutes later, we read: "Nolan Qualifies As A Fastest Loser". And with that out green, white and gold inflatable hammers inflated before our very eyes. Irish success at last (If you don't include Ringwood Cockatoo).