Fings far from fancy wiv Phil and Fash

World Cup TV View: For World Cup diehards it's simply alarming that there are only three weeks left, although, admittedly, some are beginning to wilt a touch - or, worse, are suffering from two dead legs, so long has it been since they left the armchair.

When this happens a change is, of course, as good as a rest. So, with that in mind, we briefly deserted RTÉ/ITV/BBC yesterday and took ourselves off to the wilderness that is digital telly to watch the first of the day's games, Togo v Switzerland.

No, we'd never heard of UKTV G2 either, but there it was, positioned somewhere between The God Channel and Big Boobs TV.

If UKTV G2 is in the wilderness it's probably appropriate, then, that one of its World Cup co-commentators is none other than Ron "Big" Atkinson.

The channel's coverage of the World Cup is, apparently, aimed at male people between the ages of 16 and 34, which, as luck would have it, is the target market of one of the channel's sponsors, the splendidly named lads' mag Nuts.

Andy Goldstein was our presenter, his studio guests were Neil "Razor" Ruddock and Rod Liddle, the columnist who wishes he were Bob Geldof but isn't.

We use the word "studio" loosely here; they actually seem to be working out of one those €200 sheds you assemble all by yourself.

For example, when at one point Ruddock coughed, the "studio" shook like it had been hit by an earthquake that measured 7.9 on the Richter scale.

Although the echo that filled the air whenever our panellists spoke suggested that they could also have been in a public toilet. Either way, we're not, we'd assume, talking a gargantuan telly budget here.

Razor looked like he'd been out on the tear the night before and he appears to be a stone or seven overweight, so he's just as Liverpool fans will remember him in his prime.

We largely remember him for the time that he shared with the world his greatest source of amusement: being in bed with his wife and holding her head under the sheets while he broke wind.

Perhaps it's being overly delicate, but ever since reading that we've struggled to look Razor in the eye when he's appeared on our screens. And, when we caught up with him again yesterday, no matter how perceptive his analysis, that image was always going to cloud our view of him.

"We woz talking earlier and we said that 'argreaves is just there to break fings up, he ain't there to create nuffin'," he said to Andy when asked for his solution to England's midfield dilemma.

"Fanks, Rayzah," said Andy, before asking Liddle his thoughts on the Toga v Switzerland game.

"Switzerland started tearing them apart in a most un-Swiss-like manner, it's not what you expect - you expect clocks and money-laundering," said Rod.

"Fanks Rod," said Andy, before opening another in-depth analysis session with Razor on the subject of Spain.

"Well, you gotta fancy Spain, intya," he said.

"Fanks for that, Rayzah," said Andy, and that was kind of that.

Needless to say, with entertainment of that quality on offer, we returned for UKTV G2's next live game, Spain v Tunisia.

"Phil 'n' Fash are in the house!"

That's Phil Tufnell and John Fashanu to you and me.

"Ello, Fash. So, how d'ya fink England have been doing so far?"

"At the end of the day they've played two games and won both," said Fash, "and at the end of the day they're playing badly but winning."

"Fanks, Fash."

"Phil? Who's impressed you so far," asked Andy.

"Argentina and Spain, who we're seeing later on, have impressed me," said Phil.

"Argentina and Spain, who we're seeing later on, have impressed you?" asked Andy.

"Yeah," said Phil, who, like us, had spotted the echo problem.

"Fanks, Phil," said Andy, who then read out a text from "Madge in Winchester", who said she had "curtains the same as Phil's shirt".

"Fanks, Madge," said Phil.

Match-time. The players are in the tunnel. Fash points out that this is a crucial stage of the match.

"See, they're not even looking at each other, they're nervous."

"The game can't be won and lost in the tunnel, can it?" asked Andy.

"Oh, it can," said Fash. "There's so much psychological stuff going on there, if you see the way . . ."

Back to RTÉ. Souness and Gilesie are talking tactics and systems and the like. Na, it'll never catch on.