Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. It's not often that a television pundit confesses to have erred, even less probable that he should bare his soul without recourse to a lexicon of excuses live on air.
It was therefore staggering to hear former Australian international and current Leicester centre Pat Howard offer his act of contrition midway through the first half of Sky Sports' transmission of the Australian-New Zealand Tri-Nations/Bledisloe Cup match last Saturday morning.
Prior to the start of the match, Howard, in studio with former England international scrumhalf and regular Sky rugby contributor Dewi Morris, had spoken about Australia's phenomenal defensive attributes and how, enroute to 10 victories in succession, only Argentina had managed to score more than a brace of tries.
He predicted - as did Morris - that that the Tri-Nations game would throw up a tight, tense encounter with defences dominant and the outcome of the match could reasonably rest on the respective accuracy of the placekickers, New Zealand outhalf Andrew Mehrtens and Australian right wing Stirling Mortlock. Logically sound, but, according to
"sod's law", those who seek to put their neck in the noose of fate are occasionally left dangling.
Six and a half minutes into the match the All Blacks lead 21-0, courtesy of three converted tries, and Mehrtens is lining up a penalty opportunity which he posts to make it 24-0. One can almost feel the warm glow of red faces back in the Sky Sports studio in London. To compound matters, the famed Aussie defence is about as watertight as a string vest.
Aussie full back Chris Latham commits a cardinal error in the first minute: though shalt not try a fancy, flicked reverse-pass when in the middle of the black sea. Howard was probably on his second "Hail Mary" when, minutes later, Jonah Lomu swatted aside four would-be tacklers, including the wonderfully titled Stirling Mortlock, a name that conjures an image of a firm of locksmiths.
Unfortunately for the Aussies present in the world-record crowd of 109,874 at Stadium Australia in Sydney and the ex-pat in a London studio, Mortlock's name was rather more imposing than his defensive capabilities and Lomu offloaded to centre Pita Alatini to score a try.
When Alatini and Alama Ieremia combined to send Christian Cullen over for a third try in the seventh minute, Howard, by way of contrition, was about to start his second decade of the Rosary - The Sorrowful Mysteries.
In mitigation, no one, not even the most one-eyed New Zealander, could have scripted the first seven minutes of Saturday's match. The Holy Trinity of Australian based commentators, Gordon Bray, Chris Handy and Simon Poidevin struggled to fathom what they were witnessing, eventually muttering: "Australia really need to get back into the match quickly if they are going to win." As a statement of the obvious, it is without peer.
Perhaps the triumvirate were blessed with remarkable prescience, for Australia launched a comeback every bit as compelling and quality-laden as their opponent's opening salvo. During the Aussie cavalry charge, Sky lost their sound link with Sydney and this allowed a penitent Howard to observe: "I couldn't have called this one more wrongly. It's an incredible game."
Indeed it was and continued to be. Soon the "Australian Three" were restored to commentary and the home side roared back into contention achieving parity at 2424 by half-time. Former Aussie flanker Poidevin was moved to remark, "this game's out of control. You could charge a $1,000 dollars a ticket and it'd be worth it". It wasn't an overstatement.
Australia continued their momentum after the restart, Bray opining that "this (game) would raise the roof if we had one" - the stadium does, but it was open for the match. It was a marvellous spectacle, the ebb and flow of fortune on the pitch guaranteeing superb television. Australia looked to have snatched victory in the last minute with a try from replacement hooker Jeremy Paul to lead 35-34.
Two minutes into injury-time, with the All Blacks deep inside the Australian 22, Aussie second row David Giffin twice pinched a New Zealand lineout throw, much to the delight of the commentary team whose nervous excitement pitched the tone higher and higher. But, just when all seemed safe, Lomu surged over in the corner to provide the All Blacks with a 39-35 victory.
For once the superlatives were justified. It was an incredible match. Poidevin raced from his seat up high to perform a pitch-side interview with his old mate, Aussie captain John Eales. Poidevin suggested it had been a great game. Eales preferred the, never mind the quality lark, we lost, response. "It was the worst start I have ever been involved with and we threw it away in the end."
His All-Black counterpart Todd Blackadder would not reveal the cunning plan that had guaranteed victory, offering only: "I'm so delighted, mate." So were those who watched it, one of the finest ever matches in the sport.
Elsewhere, the golf at Loch Lomond in Scotland dominated the BBC's sport schedules and offered another Peter Allis gem.
American golfer Notah Begay - who boasts a proud Red Indian heritage - hit a particularly wild tee-shot that sailed over one set of trees, provoking Allis to remark that it was one of the worst shots he has ever seen hit by a professional golfer.
A minute or two later an oncourse reporter informed Allis that Begay's ball had been found in a clearing and that he had a shot. A camera found it's way to the area in question. Temporarily there was silence, before Allis suggested: "He's in real indian country here."
But the strangest sight of the week had to be in the Ipswich versus Wolverhampton speedway match.
In search of another programme, this column came across the strange spectacle at the conclusion of one of the races of someone dressed in, what can only be described as a raccoon's outfit, jumping out on the track to wave the chequered flag.
