Don't hold your breath, Anton

PLANET SOCCER:PERHAPS inspired by Mayo man Conor Mortimer's tribute to Michael Jackson after scoring in the Connacht final, Anton Ferdinand has vowed to pay his respects to the King of Pop when he next finds the net for Sunderland.

“I’m not too sure how it will work out,” he said, “I actually thought of putting a glove in my sock to pull out if I score.”

Hopefully the goal will come, but the stats aren’t encouraging: the defender didn’t score at all last season and has one goal in his last 114 appearances.

As he conceded, “the sock could be down there a couple of years”.

Quotes of the week

"It's not palatial but they're here to play football, not stay in a hotel. We let them have a tactics board and there are some baths, showers and some coat hangers – but that's all they get."

– Burnley chief executive Paul Fletcher on the club's away dressingroom where visiting players – are you sitting comfortably? – will have to queue for a shower.

"There have not been many changes here, it is the same players, so why should we not feel we can finish fifth or better again?"

– Everton manager David Moyes . . . before that 6-1 setback against Arsenal on Saturday.

"As far as I am concerned there has been no contact with Tottenham – and I know that because I spoke to Harry Redknapp."

– Sam Allardyce, speaking about the prospects of Christopher Samba joining Spurs from Blackburn.

"Fergie, sign him up, Fergie, Fergie sign him up."

– Manchester City fans as Carlos Tevez came on for his debut against Blackburn. Naughty.
"We can put a man on the moon, time serves of 100 miles per hour at Wimbledon, yet we cannot place a couple of sensors in a net to show when a goal has been scored."

– Crystal Palace manager Neil Warnock not best pleased after the referee failed to notice Freddie Sears' shot had crossed the line against Bristol City.

Clinton stoops to conquer

“MY main concern is we should never have allowed him (Clinton Morrison) to stoop so low to score his second – someone should have taken his head off.”

– Roy Keane, after Ipswich lost to Coventry, looking for a touch more aggression from his defenders.

Footballers and tales of Swine flu

YOU might recall that there was a bit of a dust-up between David Beckham and his LA Galaxy team-mate Landon Donovan earlier this summer, with the American recommending that Beckham be “benched” for not showing enough commitment to the club.

Now, it might have been natural enough for the British press to take Beckham’s side in the spat, but the headline in Saturday’s Mirror was, you’d have to admit, a bit strong: “Last laugh for Becks as Landon Donovan catches swine flu”.

“As luck would have it,” they said, Donovan had contracted the virus after flying to “one of the world’s most disease-ridden hotspots, Mexico City”. Nice.

“Becks can thus rest safe in the knowledge that there won’t be any more toys flying out of the pram in the foreseeable future,” they said, forecasting that Donovan would be out of action for some time.

Not so. He came on for the second half against Seattle at the weekend, although Beckham did not have to share the pitch with his foe – as luck would have it, he was sent off after 17 minutes.

More quotes of the week

“Who will be the new Pato? There is only me – until three or four years from now when my wife will bring another into the world.”

– Eh, Pato.

“Everyone needs to work the same amount, whether you’re a flamboyant striker or a run-of-the-mill midfielder like I was. Some are piano carriers who pick it up, put it on the stage and let the pianist sit down and play it, but without them there would be no piano on stage.”

– The incomparable Ian Holloway, manager of Blackpool.

“De Lucas’s pedigree is unbelievable – if he was a dog he’d win Crufts.”

– Holloway again, this time talking about top dog Enrique de Lucas, the former Chelsea and Espanyol striker.

“Comparing Van Basten with Ibrahimovic is like comparing Picasso with Rothko.”

– Fabio Capello goes all abstract on us.

More tales of Swine flu

SPEAKING of swine flu. Manchester City's Micah Richards was diagnosed with the virus when he was holidaying in Cyprus.

"I felt so weak I couldn't move or eat," he said. "When I was told I had swine flu all sorts of things started going through my mind – you see on the news people dying of it."

His manager, Mark Hughes, might have wiggled an eyebrow at this particular Richards's revelation: "At first I thought it was a really bad chest infection, or maybe alcohol poisoning."

A lively holiday, then.

Even more quotes of the week

“Patrick Vieira was an Arsenal legend and now he wants to play for us. What’s wrong with that? It’s not like he has murdered someone.”

– Harry Redknapp on the French man joining Spurs, a move that would be regarded as a capital crime by your average Gooner.

“Manchester City are doing a very good job and have bought some excellent players. I can understand why Mr Ferguson at Manchester United is a little bit worried.”

– Rafa Benitez, starting as he probably means to go on.