Bluffer's Guide Cheltenham Festival

What is it?Where thousands of Irish punters go on their annual holiday - in financial terms, every day spent at Cheltenham roughly works out for the average Irish person as the equivalent of going to Mauritius for a fortnight.

Whether they admit to that or not is another thing.

Important things to remember if you're going . . .

• Everyone automatically becomes an expert as soon as they pass the racecourse's gates - people who have never been to another race meeting in their lives will claim to have a sure thing. And you'll only realise they haven't a clue when they get excited that the horse you both bet on is going faster now that the jockey has been thrown off.

• There is even a "Shopping Village" at Cheltenham racecourse, designed for those who think the actual horse racing is merely a sideshow - which means if you want to maintain any racing cred, you won't be caught dead in it. At least not for the main race of each day, anyway.

• So if you only make it out of the champagne tent for one race each day make sure it is the Champion Hurdle on Tuesday - which could very well be Ireland's best day at the course - the Queen Mother Champion Chase on Wednesday and the World Hurdle on Thursday. And for God's sake never, ever admit you missed the Gold Cup on Friday because "there was a mad queue at the beefburger stall".

• You don't actually have to pretend to be an expert any more. The festival used to be for the serious punter only, and it had a wonderful tradition of ignoring such sideshows as Ladies Day. Well, no more. Last year the Ridiculous Head Gear Day did make an entrance.

• Try to bet at least an odd time with your head, rather than your heart. While Ireland has an incredibly strong record at the festival, particularly in recent years, this may well be a year to give many of the Irish runners a miss when it comes to parting with hard-earned money. Hopefully, Tuesday, and the Champion Hurdle, will prove successful, but after that it's difficult to see how some bookmakers arrived at the number eight when guessing the likely number of Irish winners during the four days.

Avoid confusion over these terms

Also-ran:Not a horse that you just remembered was running - when it's mentioned in the same sentence as your horse's name, you can tear up the betting slip.

Backstretch:Not what you do 'cause you've been on your feet all day. It's actually the bit between the turns at the far side of the course.

Dead-heat:Nothing to do with the weather - it's when two horses cross the finish-line at exactly the same time.

A short head:No, it's not about that. In England it means to win by the narrowest of margins - In Ireland, we're more more likely to say winning by a nose. Which, hopefully, a few of your horses will do.