Beeb boys lost in Negative Town as Crotes stick in Wrightie's froat

TV View:Of course, of course, we shouldn't laugh. After all, only those who have qualified for Euro 2008 can cast the first stone, and people in non-qualifying glasshouses, that finished a somewhat distant 10 points behind the second-placed teams in their groups, certainly have no right whatsoever to chuck stones about the place. But . . .

"I'm telling you," said Alan Hansen, "if it's a draw with 15 minutes to go everyone will be so edgy and you just never . . . "

"Woooooow, come back from negative town, man!" said Jimmy Hill. Just kiddin', said Ian Wright.

"I'm just saying, be wary," said Hansen.

Wright was having none of it.

"Na, 'opefully the boys will just ram it down their froats, all day long," he said.

Shearer nodded knowingly.

So that's kind of how the build-up to Wednesday's Big Game went on the BBC. Hansen urged caution, Wrightie didn't. At all.

Shearer nodded knowingly.

"It's a massive test for the boy; one mistake and you're out of the European Championships," said Hansen of the decision to play young Scott Carson in goal.

"He must have so much confidence in Scott Carson, man," said Wrightie of Stevie McClarenie's decision to drop Paul Robinsonie and opt for the Aston Villa lad, noting, while purring, that Carsie looked reassuringly composed and confident in the warm-up.

Shearer nodded knowingly.

No problems then with the keeper. What about Croatia?

"We've got to remember here, they're actually a very strong outfit," said Gary Lineker.

"It's the way he tells 'em," Wrightie giggled to himself, but, verbally, he was actually quite restrained, only opting for the "they're foreign, so they won't like the rain" line of thinking.

"The best fing about it is we've got bad wevver for 'em so they might not want to come and show us their greatest skills," he said.

Shearer nodded knowingly - he had, it seemed, met loadsa foreign types who'd opted to hide their skilful lights under bushels at the first sign of a shower - and Hansen was by now so convinced by Wrightie's reasoning he declared, "I think England will win, and they'll win comfortably."

The most memorable happening of the evening, though, came at anthems time. Croatia's tune. Wembley booed. Very, very, very loudly.

"Well, the Croatians will really be pleased with the respect that got because their anthem was badly treated in Macedonia on Saturday," said John Motson. Eh?

If Motty's hearing was banjaxed, his sight was grand, though he wondered whether he could believe quite what he was seeing.

Croatia, 1-0: "What on earth went on there?! Was that the pitch I wonder?!" (No, it was Scott 'it's a massive test for the boy' Carson). Croatia, 2-0.

"You can't believe this! This is hard to believe! Although it's happened right in front of us!"

Half-time. "I don't like to be in negative town, Ian, but I think we're there now," said Lineker.

Wrightie was a bit repentant. "They're very comfortable on the ball, the Crotes," he conceded.

Shearer nodded knowingly.

"It's probably the worst 45 minutes you'll ever see," said Hansen, who missed both halves of Ireland's trip to Cyprus.

Second half. 1-2. 2-2. Motty took it calmly.

"IS THIS THE GOAL THAT SAVES ENGLAND FROM HUMILIATION AND POSSIBLY SENDS THEM TO THE EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP FINALS?"

Well, no. 2-3.

"EXTRAORDINARY! AND ENGLAND MAY BE OUT AFTER ALL!"

Dying moments. "Haven't Croatia been at it tonight," said Motty. "They certainly have," we replied.

Dying seconds. "Say something, Mark, say something."

Lawrenson: "I can't." Silence. Which Motty filled with silence. First time he was left speechless in 876 years of commentating.

Back in the studio. Lineker's ears were at half-mast, Hansen was sighing, Wrightie was weeping. And Shearer? He was nodding knowingly.

The next morning the English FA held a press conference to tell us McClaren had been sacked.

"Go 'way," said a stunned English nation. They did, though, promise they'd get it right this time, a promise possibly as useful as Alex Higgins's recent vow to BBC Northern Ireland's Stephen Nolan: "I swear on my mother's life. My late mother's life."

The post-mortem continued on Saturday's Football Focus. Chris Waddle was called upon to explain why English footballers couldn't pass the ball any more.

"We have to go back to basics," he said. "If the players can't handle the football what chance have we got?"

What was Waddlie suggesting? That Wayne Rooney play in the hole behind Gooch Cooper and Paddy Bradley? That's not the way forward. You can't mangle footballing codes. You just have to come back from negative town, man, find a new manager and try again. And cripes, we're nodding knowingly here.