B boys hit bullseye ahead of A class

Did you watch that Darts Wives documentary on the BBC the other night? It was a bit of a letdown, to be honest, and the only real revelation of substance was where we learnt that Dennis `the Menace' Priestly's wife feeds him stew on pancakes. I always thought the lad looked poorly when he hit the oche and now we know why.

There was, though, one interesting, nay thought-provoking, contribution - one that will be expanded upon later in this thesis - from surly Bristol darts ace Chris Mason, who was filmed lying on his bed, chilling, while the woman - an employee of Wexford Tourism he spotted through the smoke at a tournament in Rosslare Strand - he left his pregnant wife and toddler for ironed his shirt.

Chris, evidently, was troubled by the results of the BBC's Sports Personality of the Year awards and wasn't shy about expressing his candid views. They went something like this: "Yeah, like, fair enough like, Steve Redmond did alright like at the Olympics, but he has no ****ing personality, has he like? **** me. It's meant to be Sports Personality of Year, innit? Well then, why don't they ****ing vote for someone with a ****ing personality like? It's like Alan Shearer, he has no ****ing personality either like, not like Gazza, he has a ****ing personality. Like."

Lorna nodded vigorously while she ironed, even while negotiating the armpit air-holes in Chris's darts shirt. And those of you who have ever ironed armpit air-holes in a darts shirt and nodded at the same time will know, it's as tricky as simultaneously patting your head and rubbing your tummy, like. If she'd lost her rhythm and concentration those armpit airholes would have melted and Chris's sweat would have had nowhere to go but his boots while he was peppering those treble twenties. At which point Lorna would have been traded in for a brunette from Fethard-on-Sea. Like.

Still, Chris got me thinking. You know those survey/questionnaire thingies in magazines that ask you to choose between answers (A), (B) or (C) and depending on how many As, Bs and Cs you select, they will then sum up your entire personality in one pithy sentence? (Liar, you do them all the time in dentists' waiting rooms).

Like: you have a toddler and are heavily pregnant and your darts professional husband leaves you for a skinny, blonde woman who promises to give up her whole life for him because "darts is his world". Do you (A) chuck yourself in the nearest river, (B) hire a hitman to sort 'im out, like, or (C) sell your story to the News of the World in which you dismiss him as a pillock and say you're "well rid"?

Superbly, Chris's missus opted for (C) - but which would you have gone for? Fair play: (C). But, even if Chris is a "Darts Love Rat (Shocker)" he is, indisputably, a sports personality. A "character", even. Why? Because he's an unstable sporty fruitcake. And even if you won't admit it you know it's true: we all have a soft spot for unstable sporty fruitcakes, even if our sensible side is telling us to resist and give our sporty love to the Gary Linekers of this world.

For example. Through history sporty spuds have been perpetually confronted with agonising choices and demands for their sporty affection - (A) Eric Bristow or (B) John Lowe? (A) Jocky Wilson or (B) Leighton Rees? (A) Alex Higgins or (B) Terry Griffiths? (A) Jimmy White or (B) Steve Davis? (A) Maradona or (B) Pele? (A) George Best or (B) Bobby Charlton? (A) David Campese or (B) Michael Lynagh? (A) Brian Mullins or (B) Ogie Moran? (A) John McEnroe or (B) Bjorn Borg? (A) Tonya Harding or (B) Nancy Kerrigan?

(Who, you ask, are Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan? Remember: ice skating legends. Terrible Tonya's husband and pals whacked Nice Nancy across the knee with a club as she prepared for the Olympic trials, which Tonya reckoned she'd win if Nancy skated with a limp).

Today? (A) Eddie Irvine or (B) Michael Schumacher? (A) Ronnie O'Sullivan or (B) Ken Doherty? (A) Venus Williams or (B) Lindsay Davenport? (A) Eamon Dunphy or (B) Johnny Giles? (A) David Icke or (B) Bill O'Herlihy? (A) Big Ron Atkinson or (B) Jim Beglin? (A) Eminem or (B) Cliff Richard?

Right, do you have more As than Bs? You do? Well, that means you are psychotic, disturbed, irresponsible, reckless, immature, infantile, unreliable, unbalanced, deranged, unmarryable, selfish and, frankly, devoid of any human quality your mother would approve of. (ie you're good crack).

More Bs than As? Responsible, sensible, conscientious, mature, reliable, trustworthy, dependable, diligent, punctilious, meticulous, considerate, compassionate and an all-round good egg (ie. you should get out more).

True, as all those magazines warn you, it's not an entirely scientific survey and we take no responsibility for any emotional distress that might be caused. And it's probably not right to couple Big Ron Atkinson with Eminem, at least Eminem's jewellery is tasteful. And Johnny Giles' lawyers might have a decent case when they see him dumped in the same category as Cliff Richard. But you know the old saying "flirt with glamour and marry sense"?

Well, if you're looking for a good night out we'd recommend choosing an (A), but if you feel it's time to settle down then select a (B). But, the choice is yours. Here's Graham with a final reminder.