Compiled by MARY HANNIGAN
Tammy Why Not: Mascot madness
THE award for “the warmest welcome to visiting fans” this season goes to Dunfermline and their mascot, Sammy the Tammy.
As Raith Rovers supporters readied themselves for the game, Tammy charged on to the pitch dressed as a cardboard tank, motioned as if he was firing at the visitors while “the sound of machine gun fire blared through speakers before the derby at East End Park”, according to the Scottish Sunday Mail.
Police later spoke to officials at the club and offered “a word of caution in relation to the way the mascot presented himself”. As Scottish writer and Raith fan Ian Rankin, who was at the game, tweeted: “Not subtle”.
Analogies and apologies: Keeping things in perspective - in a relative way
THE season’s top analogy came from Palermo manager Delio Rossi after Juventus complained about the refereeing in their 2-1 defeat to his team.
Rossi told them to quit whinging and suggested the Italian media only kicks up a storm when it’s Juventus who are at the end of dodgy decisions. “I think Juve’s whinging got more coverage than the Watergate scandal,” he said.
“To make a comparison,” he continued, “it is like when everyone talked on television about Iraq and the Gulf War, but nobody mentioned the conflict in Darfur. If we are to be indignant about war, then we should be in every case. But there is oil in Iraq, there is desert in Darfur. They fought for 10 years without anyone knowing anything. A war should always be condemned as an abuse of power, regardless of who is victim.”
To be honest, up until that point we thought it was only a game.
APOLOGY of the season? Take a bow Gigi Becali. The owner of Steaua Bucharest decided it was time to clear his conscience by apologising to everyone he has offended this year – and that list is really rather lengthy (it includes gays, Rapid Bucharest owner George Copos and anyone who doesn’t share the Orthodox Christian’s religion).
His apology to Copos? “I’m sorry for what I called him. Yes, he’s cheap, but let God judge everyone, I don’t have to do it.”
Gays? “I apologise to them. It’s their problem, their disease, not mine.”
Miscellaneous religious groups? “I’m sorry to all of the religions, the cults. But I do have my views. Jehovah’s Witnesses are on the way to perdition.”
And with that he declared himself “cleansed” and “reborn”.
Sorry, after all, seems to be the hardest word.
U-turns
January 2010: “I’d just like to say that I would never in a million years go to Norwich. I can categorically say that.”
January 2011: “I am massively pleased to join this massive club.”
– Marc Tierney after leaving Colchester for, well, Norwich.
February 17th: “Relax, I’m not going anywhere. I will not abandon the ship. I won’t leave mid-season.”
February 20th: “After a game like today’s, I think it is right to send a signal. So at the final whistle I went to the locker-room to thank the team and decided to resign.”
– Claudio Ranieri after abandoning the good ship Roma.
March 1st: “Live in Cork? I’d rather shoot myself. I prefer Los Angeles.”
March 4th: “I love Cork. I’ve Cork tattooed on my body.½
– Stephen Ireland leaving his fellow Rebels confused.
Leaving a mark - how do you spell that again?
WHO clinched the tattoo of the season award? It was a close enough contest, with David Beckham putting in a strong challenge with his latest creation. As he explained: “It’s Jesus being carried by three cherubs and obviously the cherubs are my boys and so my thought of it is that at some point my boys are going to need to look after me and that’s what they’re doing in the picture. It means a lot.”
The winner, though, is John Carew, the Norway striker on loan at Stoke City from Aston Villa. The poor lad went through the agony of having a tattoo put on his neck, the inscription, in French, meant to read My Life My Rules. Alas, a French professor at the University of Oslo noted that a stray accent over the word Regles meant Carew’s neck actually reads: My Life My Menstruation.
Messi moment
The most shameful moment of the season? Sadly, it was provided by Lionel Messi. During Barcelona's 3-0 win over Racing Santander he left the Spanish Federation with no choice but to fine him €2,500 and award him a belated yellow card. What did he do? After scoring he lifted up his shirt to reveal a rather incendiary message written underneath: "Happy birthday Mammy". The bowsie.
Of the Season: Some of the off-the-field moments
Supporter of the Season
Thatd be 36-year-old Liverpool fan Shaun McCormack who, in December, demonstrated just how passionate he felt about his favourite player by changing his name by deed poll. How did he feel after the January transfer window? "Gutted, Fernando Torres McCormack moaned.
Model of the season? Congratulations Aurora Oliveira: "I sleep with Serie A and Italy players. They're all married. Sometimes I do it with the coaches there too. The only issue is that footballers show such little respect, and some are far from beauties. So I am closing that door, and opening another. I am all about Formula One.
Banner of the season, as seen at Blackpools Bloomfield Road: "Jesus satisfied 5,000 with five loaves and two fishes. Ian Holloway has satisfied millions with 11 Tangerines.
Joke of the season
Cristiano Ronaldo: "The god of football sent me to this planet to teach people how to play and showcase my talent.
Lionel Messi: I don't remember sending anyone.
Friends of the season
"Gaddafi is a man I have always admired. I do not honestly know what is really happening in Libya at the moment, but it must be very hard for Gaddafi and his family."
- Rangers El-Hadji Diouf . . .
Worth repeating: Words of wisdom from usual suspects
Glenn Hoddle: "Didier Drogba's had malaria, so he's not 100 per cent fit for whatever reason."
Jamie Redknapp: "Real Madrid aren't in the same league as Barcelona."
Ray Parlour: "If I was me, I would pick Lampard."
Ray Wilkins: "Fabregas literally carries 10 yards of space around in his shorts."
Ian Wright: "The thing about Drogba is that he scores when he doesn't even play, if that's possible."
Micky Quinn: "Barcelona play football to die of."
George Graham: "London is up there with Madrid or Milan, but Glasgow's unique, along with Liverpool and Newcastle."
Perry Groves: "Arsene Wenger has bought some tall defenders. There was Edu, then came Sol Campbell, Kolo Toure and even Ralph Lauren was over six foot."
