A WORLD CUP MISCELLANY COMPILED BY MARY HANNIGAN

Robben rant: Dutchman reveals his  lack of respect for Europa League

“I CANNOT imagine playing in the Europa League. That is the worst that can happen. I couldn’t care less about winning the trophy. In fact, I don’t think that competition should exist in the first place.”

– Looks like Bayern Munich’s Arjen Robben won’t be making his way to Dublin for this year’s final.

“His heart is good, but his arse is not so good.”

– FC Copenhagen manager Stale Solbakken revealing why Mikael Antonsson was a doubt for the Champions League game against Chelsea – he had strained a muscle in his bottom.

“The players are trying to persuade Edwin to stay on too. I was speaking to him in the shower afterwards but it is his decision and we have to respect it.”

– Even after being cornered in the showers by Wayne Rooney, Edwin van der Sar is still determined to retire.

“It’s not about being patient, it’s about the club winning and I want to be competitive. We used to fight to be among the top teams and be in the Champions League. Sadly that’s not the case now. I want to win titles.”

– Liverpool goalkeeper Pepe Reina contemplates leaving.

“We’re in a close chase for the title . . . if we fail to win it I would consider this season completely lost. Physically I feel well, but I can’t say the same about my emotional state.”

– Andrei Arshavin before Arsenal drew with West Brom.

“I couldn’t believe it when the police turned up,” said Manchester United supporter Sarah Webb-Lee. “It was just a bit of a laugh. We don’t have many rights left but freedom of speech is worth hanging on to.”

– The sticker on her Vauxhall Corsa was deemed offensive under Section 5 of the Public Order Act. It read: “On the first day God created United then completely ****ed up and created City.”

Getting shirty: Reading fan forces 

REMEMBER all those Liverpool fans setting fire to their Fernando Torres shirts after he left for Chelsea? And considering his was the top selling name on Premier League shirts for two seasons running, in Britain and abroad, that was a whole heap of shirts to burn.

Well, maybe they should have kept their matches in their pockets and just looked for a refund – like 13-year-old Reading fan Jon McGhee.

Last July he spent his birthday money – about €50 – on a Reading shirt with Gylfi Sigurdsson’s name on the back, only for the player to be sold to Hoffenheim two months later.

Jon’s Da James asked the club for a refund on the grounds that Sigurdsson had signed a new contract the previous spring, so it was fair for him to assume he would be “staying at Reading for the foreseeable future”.

“On yer bike,” was the gist of the club’s reply, so James took his claim to the county court in Middlesbrough, where he lives. The club agreed to settle out of court, paying €98 to cover legal costs.

Reading spokesman Craig Mortimer insisted the club only agreed to pay up “because the hearing was right up in – Middlesbrough – for the time and effort, it was far more logical to settle”.

James offered encouragement to fans. “For anybody else in the same position, this just shows it is well worth pursuing it,” he said, possibly prompting 50,000 ex-Torres fans to try to repair their fire damaged shirts.

Freefall for Fabbiani: Fat chance of life getting better

BACK IN November we shared with you news of the eventful life of Argentinian footballer Cristian Fabbiani, the fella they call El Ogro (The Ogre) who puts on a Shrek mask when he’s celebrating a goal, like you do.

Fabbiani, alas, has had his fair share of troubles on and off the field, Nestor Gorosito, his former coach at River Plate, publicly doubting the player’s professionalism. “He needs to accept responsibility and lose weight,” he said. “I’ve told him that even if he eats salad, if he eats three bowls of salad, it’s the same as eating something else. Because a cow eats grass and it’s a cow, it eats all day and it’s a cow.”

His private life has been no less turbulent, and sadly we read in the Observer yesterday that Fabbiani and his wife have gone separate ways, the player admitting “we weren’t in love – some women want marriage just because they’ve seen you on TV.”

Vowing never to marry again, Fabbiani bemoaned the lack of trust in the relationship with his wife. As the Observer recalled, in a “we’re saying nothing’ kind of way, it was last November that model Amalia Granata declared: “At times it (her relationship with Fabbiani) was annoying. His wife was so insecure.”

Craven Cottage: set to unveil a statue of the legendary figure of . . . . Michael Jackson

“HE was truly a legend, a term used too often in this modern world saturated in the hyperbole surrounding celebrity,” said Fulham owner Mohamed Al Fayed last week when he announced that a statue of the legend in question would be unveiled outside Craven Cottage next month.

Who is receiving this honour?

Well, our euro was on former Fulham great Johnny Haynes, although George Cohen and Bobby Robson were also strong possibilities.

Mohamed?

“He was my friend, a man with whom I shared many happy memories and who died a tragic and untimely death. Michael Jackson was, and shall always remain, one of a kind.”

Unusually enough, Rio Ferdinand most probably spoke for all Fulham fans when he tweeted: “Michael jackson statue outside fulham FC? Im a huge Jacko fan but why?! Surely theres a long list of players who deserve a statue b4 Jacko.”

Family divided: as Essien battles to save his name

WELL, at least Michael Essien was smiling yesterday after Chelsea’s scruffy win over Manchester City. Before that he had more perplexing matters on his mind, namely his father’s desire to take away, well, his name.

“I will take Michael to court to get him to stop using the Essien name,” said James. “I have a lawyer who wants to help me achieve this aim. And if we achieve my aim then everyone will know he is no longer my son.”

As you might have guessed, relations between father and son aren’t the best, word has it they haven’t spoken for 10 years.

But according to Ghanaian sociologist, Dr Nana Obiri Yeboah, James is on to a loser. “Fathers name their children, but normally the name is an ancestral name so the father does not own the name . . . . The father cannot say that it belongs to him, he was also named by somebody, so he is not the owner of the name.”

James isn’t giving up, though. “The name has blessings on it and that’s why he has been a great player, he insisted.

We’ll see how it goes, but Essien is well used to having his name taken, but usually, it has to be said, by referees.

LIVERPOOL ‘LEGEND’ ZENDEN SUFFERING FROM DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR

THE departure of which player from Liverpool signalled the club’s “collapse”?

(a) Xabi Alonso.

(b) Javier Mascherano

or

(c) Bolo Zenden

Well, according to himself, it’s (c). No kiddin’.

“When I was there it was not too bad. I played in a Champions League final and because I left, everything collapsed after that.”

And by all accounts, he said, it with a perfectly straight face.

2,500:

That’s the number of pounds you’re fined if you’re caught smoking at Wembley. Not that it’s putting Carlo Ancelotti off: “If we reach the Champions League final I want to indulge in another bit of rule-breaking and once again smoke a cigarette in the forbidden temple of Wembley. I did it last year when we won the FA Cup against Portsmouth and nobody pulled me up about it.”

Balotelli following: in the footsteps of his experienced Manchester City role model

WHEN Mario Balotelli was sent off in last week’s Europa League game against Dynamo Kiev for inserting his studs in Goran Popov’s midriff it was good to see one of his senior Manchester City team-mates offer him some sound advice.

“He is a young boy of 20 and he has to learn from his mistakes. I told him. Everyone told him. He is a very good player but has to realise, on a professional level, you sometimes have to change your mentality.

“We are there to help him, not to criticise him or blast him away. He has experienced guys around him and he has to listen to them.”

Well, based on Nigel de Jong’s chief contribution to last year’s World Cup final, it looks like he’s already a role model for young Balotelli.