A soccer miscellany compiled by MARY HANNIGAN

Match high point

THE BEST match of the week? Easy: Roddy Collins v Cillian Shields. Go to YouTube and look up “Bohs v Monaghan Utd (Roddy Collins)”, and watch the extratime.ie reporter’s rather sublime chat with the Monaghan manager after their 2-1 win over Bohemians. There are too many highlights to mention, the only disappointment being that Roddy didn’t sing more than one line from I will survive.

Topman: Van Persie is best

ARSENAL striker Robin van Persie has been named the Professional Footballers’ Association Player

of the Year. The 28-year-old Dutch international has scored 27 Premier League goals this season for Arsenal – his most fruitful campaign for the club – and was humbled to be recognised by his peers.

“If other people are saying it, it is special, but it is even more special if your opponents are saying it,” he said.

“It is very special because you are playing against them week in week out and every single player does everything to win and in the end if they make up their minds that I’m the best player it is a big honour.”

The Young Player of the Year award went to Tottenham full-back Kyle Walker.

Ronaldo leaving them green with envy: Scolari hails Madrid’s man of many talents

“Some people do not like him because he is a great player, good-looking and has sex with all the ladies. People get jealous.” – Former Portugal manager Phil Scolari explaining why Cristiano Ronaldo has the lads green with envy.

“I’ve been consistent in patches this season.” – Theo Walcott? Never mind.

“Messi is a good player, but I’m in the top three: It’s me, Pele and Maradona. I would include Zidane in that list, too.” – Brazilian old boy Romario, in need of a calculator and, possibly, a dollop of modesty.

“I was saved in Sunderland. It’s changed my life for the better – through Jesus’s death.” – Kieran Richardson. Frankly, you’d be afraid to check Twitter to see the replies from Newcastle fans.

“When I went to Liverpool I admit, it was more of a culture shock than coming to France.” – Joe Cole. The problem here is that he’s only on loan at Lille, he has to go back to Liverpool some time. After this, he’ll get more than an “ooh la la” from Scousers.

“I looked up and the goal seemed really far away, like on the M25.” – Didier Drogba on spending a lot of last week’s game against Barcelona defending. Well, apart from the moment he scored.

“He did not believe in me . . . I was terrible and useless! I was Barca’s cancer!” – Xavi hints that himself and former Barca boss Frank Rijkaard weren’t the best of buddies.

“Everton could definitely do us a massive favour on Sunday and I think there is every chance they will pick up something against United.” – Manchester City’s Everton old-boy Joleon Lescott speaking last week. Did you laugh too?

“Nikica Jelavic has come in and grabbed a few goals – he looks handy.” – Rio Ferdinand before yesterday’s game in which the Croatian’s two goals gave Manchester City’s title hopes a serious helping hand.

Best foot forward:but tardy response to Leon’s return

AFTER A bright start to the season with Newcastle that appeared to cement his place in the Irish squad, Leon Best had the misfortune to suffer a knee ligament injury in early February in a league game against Aston Villa and he’s been out since.

The good news is that he returned to training last week and hasn’t given up hope of getting back in to the squad in time for that trip to Polkraine.

“All I amthinking about is the Euros,” he told the Daily Mail. “It’s coming to the end of the season but for me I feel like my season is just starting. My aim isn’t just to finish the season strongly, my aim is to get into the Irish squad and have a good Euros.”

Any words of encouragement from the management team?

“I texted Marco [Tardelli] when I had my first session back,” he said. Ah, good. And?

“Marco didn’t text me back, so maybe that’s not a good sign.”

Oh dear.

Davies puts foot in mouth

“We are hoping he will put an appearance in. We also hope we can secure our position in the Premier League before he comes – we don’t want him having another heart attack.” – Bolton owner Eddie Davies provides a face-in-hands moment when chatting about Fabrice Muamba.

Get a grip: These boots were made for walking – alone

BASKETBALL legend and Liverpool minority shareholder LeBron James unveiled a shiny new customised pair of boots last week that pay homage to his beloved football club. Very nice they are too, but as the Dirty Tackle blog rather unkindly pointed out, there’s a bit of an accuracy issue with them.

First, the sole of the shoes show 18 Premier League trophies – 18 more than Liverpool have actually won. Yes, yes, they won 18 Division One titles, but that’s old money now – indeed, Andy Carroll was only four months old when they picked up their last. So, they don’t count.

The other problem? LeBron’s shoes are made by Nike, so they’re not allowed use the legendary Liverpool liver bird because the club’s kit sponsors are Adidas. So, LeBron’s bird is “actually more like a griffin”.

As tributes go, then, it was, no doubt, heartfelt, but just a little bit imprecise.

Red card, relegation, and a Twitter ban: You have to Hand it to journeyman Jamie

HAVING HAD spells with Watford, Oxford United, Livingston, Peterborough, Fisher Athletic, Northampton, Chester City, Lincoln City, Ebbsfleet United, Chelmsford City, Woking and Hemel Hempstead Town before joining Hayes and Yeading United two years ago, you’d imagine Jamie Hand would have got the hang of playing against former clubs without letting barbs from one-time supporters get under his skin.

Alas, that wasn’t the case when he returned with Hayes and Yeading to Luton on Easter Monday – a club where he had a loan spell earlier this season, with a view to a permanent deal in January. Things didn’t work out, though, so he went back to Hayes and Yeading.

He didn’t, it has to be said in his defence, get the warmest of welcomes on his return to Luton, having a run-in or three with supporters, at one point waving a couple of fingers in their direction.

Mind you, considering Hand has picked up 12 yellow and two red cards this season, you have to say the supporters were quite brave taking him on.

So, that was all a bit unfortunate. But, done and dusted? Not quite. One word: Twitter. Yes, Hand decided to share his post-match thoughts in a tweet or two, calling Luton fans “proper w*****s” who “look like they r 40 year old virgins who live wit there mums” who, well, we’ll leave it there.

When a Luton player suggested this assessment was a touch harsh, Hand replied: “Come and meet me in leicester sq now and I’ll punch your head in and then get back to my chicken wing.”

So, that went well. Hand was then told by his club to close his Twitter account, but the FA had already been alerted to his tweeting and, last week, charged him with misconduct.

Did his week get any better? Well, on the positive side he captained Hayes and Yeading to a 1-0 victory over Lincoln City on Saturday. But? The win wasn’t enough to avoid relegation from the Blue Square Premier. Oh, and Hand was given a straight red card seconds from the end. Apart from that, though . . .

Hoof: Kick it as far as you can

It would be hard to top Alexander Hleb’s fond memories of working under Alex McLeish at Birmingham, where the Belarus international spent time on loan from Barcelona.

“The team played the long-ball game, practically bypassing midfield. To get into the game you had to . . . linger at the back with the defenders to get hold of the ball, which more often than not flew right past me.

“The day before a game he would come onto the pitch and show us what to do: ‘You stand here, the goalkeeper will give you the ball here, kick it as far as you can and don’t pass to anyone nearby. And we all run.’ ”

You know, he makes Big Jack sound like Pep Guardiola.